Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 21 February 2012 by full ahead
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.
 
 Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
 
 "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
...
 "Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to [censored] ya both."
 
 "[censored] off you liar!"

 "I'll prove it," Murphy says.
 
 So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
 
 "Of course, what's the use of [censored]' one?"
Posted on: 21 February 2012 by full ahead
A group of primary school infants go on a trip to fairyhouse races to learn about horses. When it's time to take the children to the toilet it is decided that the girls will go with one teacher and the boys with the other.
 The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she goes inside and help...s the boys with their pants and begins hoisting the boys up one by one holding there willies to direct the flow.
 As she lifts one boy she can't help but notice that he is unusually well endowed. Trying not to stare she says
 "You must be in year four".
 "No love" he replies,
 "I'm riding silver shadow in the 2.15!'
Posted on: 21 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Pete and Mary were walking home from the pub when Mary says "I need a piss." and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers. Feeling horny, Pete puts his hand through the bush and feels something dangling. "Honey, have you had a sex change?" he asks. "No" she replied. " I've just decided i need a poo instead."
Posted on: 21 February 2012 by BigH47

How come The Early Learning Centre doesn't open until 10am ?

Posted on: 22 February 2012 by count.d

BigH, they open at 9am. I know this because it's where I first heard the Urika.

Posted on: 22 February 2012 by BigH47

Of course, if you look at it from the other side, space is just the first frontier .

Posted on: 22 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I am giving up Es for Lnt.
Posted on: 22 February 2012 by Reginald Halliday
My doctor tells me I have a vengeance complex.

We'll see about that....
Posted on: 23 February 2012 by tonym

Has anybody noticed that although it's 30 years since the falklands conflict, Simon Weston doesn't look a day older?

Posted on: 23 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Blimey Tony!! Tony
Posted on: 23 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
A boy scout knocked on my door this morning, and asked if there were any odd jobs needed doing. So I made him shave a Squirrel.
Posted on: 23 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I've given up seeing prostitutes for lent. Although I have to pay extra, i didn't realise wearing a blindfold could be so much fun.
Posted on: 24 February 2012 by Consciousmess

Another great range of jokes!!

 

I must ask a question, however, as I don't get the following joke and curiously, psychology is the subject I teach:

 

According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
Fünf.

 

Can anyone excuse my thickness and explain?!!!!!!!!!!

 

Jon

 

 

Posted on: 24 February 2012 by JamieWednesday

Eins

Zwei

Drei...

Posted on: 24 February 2012 by Reginald Halliday

What happened when the Rabbi slipped during the bris?

Nothing - it was no skin off his nose.

Posted on: 24 February 2012 by tonym

I've given up Viagra for lent. I'm really missing it, though, not at all sure I'll be able to keep it up.

Posted on: 24 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Liverpool have asked permission for their fans to bring flares to Wembley on Sunday. Apparently, last time they were there everyone was wearing them.
Posted on: 25 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
There's already talk of a hosepipe ban this summer, which is distressing news for anyone planning on committing suicide in their car. Tony
Posted on: 26 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My new job is a breath of fresh air. I'm responsible for filling the packs of Walker's crisps.
Posted on: 26 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
MPs. Not a good bone in their bodies. They're full of crap. Their brains are either addled or self-serving, and they cant see the wrong they do. So here's what's left: Yep. I hate them all. It's just easier that way. Tony
Posted on: 26 February 2012 by full ahead

Mother Superior called all of the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back, "I'm so tired of Chardony

Posted on: 26 February 2012 by full ahead

A man was in a pub drinking his pint which is was holding low, when a well know female athlete at the time, farted in his pint. He said: " You fart in ma Whitbread". She said: " No, I am Tessa Sanderson".

Posted on: 26 February 2012 by full ahead

What's the difference betwen a policeman's truncheon and a magician's wand ?
The magician's wand is for cunning stunts

Posted on: 26 February 2012 by Tony Lockhart
90,000 fans, 4 goals, dramatic penalty shoot out.

Carlsberg don't do penalty shoot outs. Luckily Carling do.
Posted on: 27 February 2012 by Richard S

BRITISH HUMOR IS a trifle DIFFERENT

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

 

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

 

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

 

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.


COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer ?100.


WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

 

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, ?200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.