Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Why don't owls mate in the rain?
Because it's too wet to woo!
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty glass jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognise that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.
But then...
A student stood up, took the jar, and proceeded to pour in a can of beer.
The moral of this tale is:
No matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.
BREAKING NEWS - Harry Rednapp has turned down the England Manger's job to become Tax Consultant at Rangers
An elevator has an entirely different smell to a dwarf.
Blimey, that was quick! 
Blimey, that was quick!
Funny too.....I think he'd like it! G
Never go to the pub with a ventriloquist. They can talk & drink at same time - costs a fortune.
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day...
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off.
I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £998'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pounds back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .
A man had a constant compulsion to sing "Green Green Grass of Home"
His wife, at wits end, urged him to seek medical attention.
His doctor diagnosed it as TJOCD
- Tom Jones Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
"Is it common?" the man asked
The doctor replied "It's not unusual"
USAAF squadron commander Col Brad D.Truegrit III informed his men they had been assigned to fly a dangerous strike on a terrorist camp high in the mountains.
"Its real dangerous you men & some of you will not be making it back"
"The mission is for ultra low level precision flying through deep tortuous valleys at a maximum of 200 feet & to attack the enemy HQ inside reinforced caves at the base of 5000 foot cliffs".
After the briefing & the usual "any questions men" 2nd-Lt J Blow raises his hand & asks .... "sir, would it be more effective to come down to a lower level to get the bombs deeper into the caves"
"No airman, that is too risky, you will collide with the RAF attacking at 50 feet"
This morning I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble letters.
Going for a shit tomorrow could spell trouble...
An idea for a new TV programme, we get a serial killer to knock off members of he West Ham football team, and then bury them in residential areas. Contestants then have to find the bodies, it would be called 'Hammers under the Homes'.
Another new programme coming to Sky Living 26 soon ....
Work colleagues swap jobs with members of another trade and clean out each others vessels. This week it's the turn of the oil workers v the brewery workers.
It's called "Scraping the barrel"
There was a big fire on my allotment site last night. We went there today to see the chard remains.
Patient: When my boyfriend and I have sex, my toes flex back and forth. Why is this?
Doctor: You're supposed to take your tights off first...
steve