Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 09 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Nike have started making trainers for lesbians called Nikes4dykes. They have 50% more tongue and you can get them off with 1 finger.
Posted on: 09 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Went to the "Self checkout" section in the supermarket earlier. Got kicked out for giving myself a prostate examination.
Posted on: 10 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
When I feel really bored, I lighten myself up by sending a text to a random mobile number saying "I've hidden the body. Now what?!"
Posted on: 11 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
You know you're an ugly bird when you slip Rohypnol in your own drink and hope for the best.
Posted on: 11 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My single friend asked me "What's it like being married?" I said "Get yourself a tape recorder, tape Loose Women, then play it back at a louder volume than the TV. Whilst you're trying to watch a Grand Prix".
Posted on: 12 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Kerry Katona "I dont understand my sudden weight gain, I'm a really light eater." Yeah, when it gets light she starts eating.
Posted on: 14 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
"Morning doctor." "Good morning, bend your knees." "Arrgghh!" *SNAP* "No, the other way."
Posted on: 14 March 2012 by MangoMonkey

This is my last upgrade...

Posted on: 15 March 2012 by Jono 13
Originally Posted by MangoMonkey:

This is my last upgrade...

Funniest post all year.

 

Jono

Posted on: 15 March 2012 by MangoMonkey

Thank you!

Posted on: 20 March 2012 by Reginald Halliday

Chuck Norris was born May 6,1945. The Nazis surrendered May 7, 1945. Coincidence? I think not.

Posted on: 20 March 2012 by Jono 13

Chuck Norris jokes always make a Tuesday less dull.

 

Jono

Posted on: 22 March 2012 by BigH47

Want to see if the budget was for you ?

 

Look at your watch if it was over £5k then you will be OK.

Posted on: 22 March 2012 by Jono 13
Originally Posted by BigH47:

Want to see if the budget was for you ?

 

Look at your watch if it was over £5k then you will be OK.

According to the BBC calculator I am £12 year better off.

 

If that isn't funny I don't know what is.

 

Jono

Posted on: 22 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I took a girl back to my place last night. "I'm going to mess you up!" I said. "Oh," she said with a wink, "do you like it rough?" "No," I said locking the door, "I just don't want them to recognise your body."
Posted on: 23 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
What do women and dog turds have in common? The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.
Posted on: 23 March 2012 by Donuk

Tony, much as I enjoy many of your jokes, I do think you should be told that your attitude to women falls short.

I am surprised a moderator has not pointed this out.  I know the padded cell is tolerant but who knows there may be women readers who do not want to be compared with dog turds or think about being molested.

Yes, I do have a sense of humour, No, I am not a liberal pinko.

Just that you're are offensive, old chap.

 

Happy days, Don

Posted on: 23 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
No problem. My posts are moderated, and everyone is free to complain about my posts. Perhaps frequenting a crew room full of servicemen and women has warped my tolerances over the years.

Just one point though, and forum members I've met agree here. These awful jokes of mine aren't from my heart. Usually I'm laughing because they're so bloody awful and disagreeable, just as the barrage of anti-pom jokes I received from 150 or so antipodeans in the middle east years ago was awful but so so funny.

Just beware of the silent people!


Reports indicate that Muamba can breathe unassisted, recognise people and has regained limited control of his limbs.Liverpool have offered a swap for Andy Carroll
Posted on: 23 March 2012 by tonym

Keep posting the jokes Tony! Those that don't like 'em, don't comment.

Posted on: 23 March 2012 by Chief Chirpa

Tony Lockhart, why not just put up a link to Sickipedia or wherever it is you're getting all your offensive and painfully unfunny jokes from? That way, instead of folks here thinking you're a witless moron, they'll see that you're just copying jokes from witless morons.

Posted on: 23 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
All in your (anonymous) opinion, of course. Thought you'd left the forum! Tony
Posted on: 23 March 2012 by GraemeH
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
 These awful jokes of mine aren't from my heart. Usually I'm laughing because they're so bloody awful and disagreeable.....

Can we please have them posted under 'Bloody Awful and Disagreeable Jokes' rather than 'Best Jokes' then?  G

Posted on: 23 March 2012 by Chief Chirpa

Come on Tony. I hadn't thought there might be some offensive Muamba jokes doing the rounds until you just mentioned him. I'm sure you've read plenty this week, so why not post them here, or put up a link?

Posted on: 23 March 2012 by Richard Dane

The best jokes thread has long presented moderators with something of a quandry.  When it comes to a joke, knowing where to draw the line is extremely difficult.  Therefore it was decided that only the most obviously offensive posts would be removed from the thread - i.e. those that could be considered as something other than a joke. 

 

Tony, I enjoy some of your jokes but of late your posts on this thread have been close to crossing the line.  Perhaps time to raise the standard, or have all the best jokes already been told? 

Posted on: 23 March 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Okey dokey