Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Random Statement for a Sunday: It's ok to smoke dope in the rain. But you shouldn't in hail .
Pop Fact for Today: Mark Knopfler's first job was at a free range egg farm and apiary.
He got honey for nothing and the chicks were free .
A drover was in town to pick up supplies
"Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
"Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
"Nah ... she ain't that ugly."
My workmate arranged me a blind date.
"She's really nice, but there's something you need to know... she's expecting a baby."
I felt like a right tw*t sitting waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.
When me and the family go out shopping, it's the wife that keeps us all in line. Mainly because of her OCD.
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so
sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is
dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws
on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He
then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the
dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to
its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its
head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock,
took the bill. "£250!" she cried, "£250 just to tell me my duck is
dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been £20. But with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all
adds up."
Today this lady said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club, but I'd never met herbivore.
Police were called to an accident involving a B&Q lorry carrying 5,000 tins of paint today.
They were surprised to find the driver, covered in paint, rolling around laughing in hysterics.
Apparently he was overcome with emulsion...
Generations People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.
People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.
People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X.
And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called GenerationY.
Why do we call the last group Generation Y?
Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
Y are you always picking on me?
Star Wars Quote for a Sunday:
Death Star Commander: "I don't own that George Michael record".
Darth Vader: "I find your lack of Faith disturbing .
My wife is a pessimist in the bedroom.…
Her vagina is always half empty.
just saw a bloke driving a tractor and shouting - THE END IS NIGH! - I think it was Farmer Geddon .
Following their F.A. Cup win on Saturday, Chelsea fans have signed a one year extension to remain at the club. The fans, who signed from Blackburn in 2003, had been strongly linked to Manchester City.
Tony
Re: Queens speech:-
All these Lords call themselves "Earl", "Duke" or "Count", and not one of them is a jazz legend.
A paper bag goes to the doctors because he's all itchy & has an embarassing little rash. The doctor gives him an examination & tells him he's got VD. The paper bag starts sobbing & says "But I've only ever slept with one other bag in my life!" The doctor replies "Well, she must have been a carrier"
That's bull***t Tony, no one's going to buy such a lame excuse, it's like telling racist jokes and saying you're not a racist. Ups... we had that one here with you before already, didn't we?
Many of the jokes you make would qualify.
I hardly ever come to this section of the forum so I don't care much but I agree that it sheds a bad light on Naim.
I hardly ever come to this section of the forum so I don't care much but I agree that it sheds a bad light on Naim.
That's your opinion. Please don't come to this section at all if it offends you.
We've been over this, if it was doing NAIM any harm I think the facility would be pulled.
Until then..........
Apparently the BBC have decided not to show the whole of Vidal Sassoon's funeral. They're just showing the highlights.
steve