Best Jokes (continues)

......file me in the same pile as George but without the eloquence. Anyway probably time for a joke?

Dont think this one has been done before but I might have missed it .....

An Englishman, Frenchman and German are captured by saddam during the gulf war. Saddam takes them to the border and shows them the barbed wire and minefields and explains that, as it's his birthday, if they can safely negotiate these obstacles they are free to go.

The Frenchman goes first. Saddam asks if there is anything he would like to aid his journey. The Frenchman refuses and with a shout of viva le France marches out towards the border, steps on a mine and is blown to smithereens.

The Englishman goes next. Saddam makes the same offer but the Englishman also refuses and, in a burst of national pride, strides out singing "land of hope and glory", steps on a mine and explodes.

The German has watched all this thoughtfully so when offered assistance he asks for coiled pieces of metal and a mallard. He straps the mallard to his head and attaches the coiled pieces of metal to his hands and feet. He edges up to the minefield, encourages the mallard to flap vigorously and jumps onto all fours where, using the pieces of metal, he bounces clean over the minefield and barbed wire to safety.

Saddam looks on astonished and shouts to him "how on earth did you learn to do that?"

"Four spring duck technique" replies the German.

.......I'll get my coat

Martin

Aaah, the good ol H2O2 

It's not offensive but it's just not very funny. It reminds me of the stuff I found hilarious as a student but grew out of many years ago.

It's a bit infantile is it not? Each to his own though.

Hilarious! (from a juvenile 62-year old.) Funny how those who like to cr*p on the Jokes Thread don't seem to post jokes themselves. We'd probably find them too sophisticated anyway.

It is a shame that those who do not want to see women vilified have to leave the forum because it is not properly moderated.

Don, sunny downtown York

This topic isn't funny anymore for a long time ...

Regards,

Michel

It is easy to say there are no boundaries when it comes to humor, but I have yet to hear a funny joke involving violence against children.  So maybe there are one or two boundaries, but a lot fewer today than ever before.

I recall back in the mid-80's, when there was lots of children starving in East Africa (ok, when aren't there?), and Sam Kinison screamed "It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would just MOVE TO WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!".  

Utterly shocking at the moment he said it.  The source of many nervous giggles in the weeks and months after.  And the source of many good belly laughs in the years since.

Because it wasn't about the starvation.  Nobody finds that topic funny.  It was the simple irony of the statement.  Irony is funny...always has been, and always will be.

Some jokes make us feel uncomfortable.  They test our boundaries.  The best ones make us think about things in ways we normally don't.   Lenny Bruce on drugs.  Dice Clay on sexism.  Chris Rock on racism.  I am pretty sure these guys see their role as speaking the truth, provoking thought, and spitting in the eye of censors and reactionaries.  They serve an important role in our culture.  And what about all of the dark jokes that follow any notable death or remote tragedy?  A natural human way of dealing with grief, is it not?

The challenge with drawing a line, any line, is deciding where to draw it.   All told, Richard seems to have done pretty well here IMO.  If you don't like a joke (or if you don't like a post in one of the other threads), why not just ignore it?  Ignore the whole thread, or the whole forum if you want.  Nobody is forcing anyone to read anything here.

Hook

Well said Mr Hook.

I'm glad there are clear thinking people in this world. 

I woke up this morning and said to my wife "I can't be bothered travelling all the way to Sunderland for the match. Man Utd are certain to win. In fact, i've even had a bet on the final result."

"But love, you're the referee "

OK, so I don't have to visit this forum.  It has been suggested that if I don't like what I read I should leave.  Some of you folk think that you have the right to write whatever you like, and those who don't like it must bugger off.

This attitude is replicated so much in society!

I should point out that I really enjoy most of the jokes that appear here.

Rather than condoning a few people using this forum as their toilet wall, another option is to continue to challenge the relatively few very disgusting contributions.

You state your rights to write whatever you like.

What about my rights to challenge it?

Don, sunny downtown York

Feel free Don. 

Personally, I just find it easier to ignore stuff that offends me, rather than get my bowels in an uproar.  The bloody antibiotics I'm on right now are doing a fine enough job of that on their own!

ATB.

Hook

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

 An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.

The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. 

The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer. 

The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drink saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"

A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don`t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I`m actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man`s age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it`s done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."

The National Poetry Contest had come down to semi-finals between a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming. They were both given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu”

First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He confidently stepped to the microphone and said:
“Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination: Timbuktu.”
The crowd went crazy. No way could the redneck top this, they thought.
The redneck, with sweat rolling down his face, made his way to the microphone and said:
“A friend and I a hunting went,
We spied three maidens in a tent,
They being three, we being two,
I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”
The redneck went to the finals

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint`s o` Guiness and they give me a third one free!"

"That`s nuthin`" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

Judge Judy to Prostitute:

"When did you realize you were raped?"

Prostitute (wiping away tears): "When the check bounced."

"What happened to you? You used to be so much fun!"

"I joined alcoholics anonymous..."

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads and have a pint of Guinness.
After a while, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood..... big stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...
NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.
He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers.
He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildingsand decides to use the wall to solve his problem.
As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie(Police), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."
"I`m very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can`t find a public restroom."
"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me".
He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the Bobbie.
"Whiz away, anywhere you want."
The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.
Since he has the cop`s blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie,That was really decent of you... is that what you call "British hospitality?"
"No" replied the Bobbie, with a satisfied smile on his face, "that is what we call : the French Embassy."

Great Fred!

Yep, Great stuff Fred. Real best jokes!

Dear George,

To quote Voltaire in this context is a bit far fetched. Voltaire was part of the Enlightenment period, a philosopher and fierce advocate of peoples’ civil liberties, yes, but one with a noble cause. I don’t see much of a noble cause in the joke that was posted and I doubt he would have equated women to dog sh*t, not even back then. Now if you choose to wave the book of rights at me than surely you will accept that it is also my right and possibly duty to speak out against that I do not agree with. I never called for censorship, others drew their conclusions and interpreted my words in such a way. All I ever did was criticise Tony for his choice of jokes on this forum and I stand by that.

You speak about standards that are set by the moderators of this forum. What standards are these, if I may ask? The anything goes standard? Your advice for me is to look elsewhere, if I come across something I don’t agree with or which might be offensive to others. What about racial segregation in the US, when black people’s civil rights were suppressed and they where publicly humiliated, forced to sit at the back of busses when taking public transport. What would have been the right answer then? Look the other way and keep quiet? I doubt it.

Some here have been quick to condemn my criticism, trying to ridicule it by waving the ever so powerful PC argument. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I am not fussed by jokes which make fun of different nationalities, straights, gays, whites or coloured people, men or women, as long as those that are being made fun of can laugh about these jokes as well. There is a fine line between jokes that are funny and a joke that makes fun of others at their expense. If no black person can laugh about a joke you make it is racist no two ways about it. If no woman can laugh about a joke you make it disrespectful in the most chauvinistic way and to be deplored. Period. Yes cultural differences might come into play but not in this instance, I don’t think. I wonder whether Tony would tell the dog turd joke to his wife, daughter and all their best female friends at a garden party that they had organised, I wonder whether any of the women there would be laughing at that joke then? Didn’t think so.

As far as I am concerned it’s a public forum here, not just a forum for Tony, his mates and other Harden Up folks. There are some women registered here too, they may be in a minority yes but the least anyone here can do is to make sure they don’t post offensive stuff. Call it PC, if you must. To me it’s a question of respect to those around you, old fashioned manners. Simple as that, no more, no less.

ATB

tp