Best Jokes (continues)

Hello TP and others,

I respect your opinions, but could you please start a seperate topic for such a discussion.

Please leave this thread for the jokes.

Cheers, Fred

+1

TP, that Voltaire joke was crap!

But that is good. LOL 

Moderated Post: TP,  Please see my earlier post. Whatever the argument, there's no call for the ad hominem post that I've just moderated. I would suggest a separate thread if you wish to continue the argument.

If any particular post causes offense then it can be reported to the moderators who will then review and decide whether any action needs to be taken.

Im so angry after i just heard tens of thousands of Manchester City fans are expected to line the streets later for a victory parade after the club won the Premier League title. As if I don't have enough trouble getting to work and back in central London. 

Surely that comment would have been more relevent if the "red" side of manchester had won? 

Probably only have to wait a year?

Still it is educational being here, looking up all the clever words and latin quotes. 

Im so angry after i just heard tens of thousands of Manchester City fans are expected to line the streets later for a victory parade after the club won the Premier League title. As if I don't have enough trouble getting to work and back in central London. 

Old Man Utd joke Tony, and very true of their support. Man City has the true Manchester fan base. I'll now dive behind the sofa and wait for the flack from all those United fans around the world.

I just found out my old friend Gavin has died from the effects of acute heartburn. I still can't believe Gav is gone.

Tom, that is quality.

I knew I should never have invested in that online origami company, it folded last week.

STOP PRESS - NEW CURRENCY FOR EUROPE

New Currency for Europe is to be called the "George Foreman Euro"

It's like the old Euro, but with no greece.

New website for emos: Imanemo.com/wrists

I surprised the milkman this morning by coming to the door naked. I'm not sure what shocked him the most - my nudity or the fact I knew where he lived.

nice.

My mate said he didn't believe in adultery. So I showed him a video of me and his wife.

Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.

Brilliant! Not only am I about to have a lovely fish pie, I have just been cheered up by a silly rhyme 

Tony

Q: If H₂O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice? 
A: H₂O cubed.

Q: If H₂0 is water, what is H₂0₄? 
A: Drinking, bathing, washing, swimming, etc.

(I'll stop there)

I always sleep naked. Well, I did. Then along came Mr South-East Trains with his silly little rulebook.

I swapped phone numbers with Cheryl Cole last night. Worst idea ever. Now Ashley Cole keeps texting me, begging for another chance

I'm not from UK, so I had to google it. I typed "Gavi" and got "Gaviscon" as the most probable answer. Funny.

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on
The table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on
Him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes
Later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most
Definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which
He handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock,took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Has a certain familiarity about it that last one...(see P.46)

Still a good joke though