Best Jokes (continues)

I watched a really boring documentary on how to build a time machine last night.

That was an hour I'll probably get back. 

Tony

Chemistry jokes, huh?

Q: How many molecules are there in a helping of guacamole?

A: Avocado's number.

Biology jokes too.

How do you tell a male bacterium from a female bacterium?

Pull down its genes.

_______________________

How do you make a hormone??

(Same answer.)

Any room for physics..?

Two neutrinos go through a bar...

How does a mathematician deal with constipation?
He works it out with a pencil.

There are 10 types of people in this world. Those who understand binary and those who don't.

What's the best way to walk out of the bookies with 200 quid?

Go in with 5 grand.

Paddy & Mick were scuba diving one day. Paddy says to Mick "Why do you roll backwards into the water?"

Mick says "Cos if i rolled forwards I'd still be on the boat!"

The Past , The Present and The Future walk into a bar




It was tense

How do you repair a damaged toll gate? 

Toll Gate Booth Paste. 

In order to catch a bus, first one must think like a bus.

Fella sees a Jamaican putting up a sign, 'Boat For Sale'. The man looks but all he sees is a caravan and a jeep. He goes up to the Jamaican and asks, "Where's the boat? All I see is a caravan and a jeep."
"Ya mon", replies the Jamaican, "and they boat for sale ! "

A Liverpool fan is so angry at the king kennys sacking ,he throws his season ticket in the bin. his wife spends the next half hour looking for the remote control.

Not even in my wildest dreams did I think I'd work in an LSD factory run by french ginger unicorns.

Something for the far less mature among us

Brilliant in its simplicity 

Towels.  Biggest cause of dry skin known to man.

Letters from a Divorce

FIRST LETTER:

My Dear husband:

I'm writing this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you. I've been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it and the last 2 weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home & you didn't even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps.
You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Wife.

PS.Don't try to find me. Your BROTHER & I are moving to New Zealand together!
Have a great life!

 


REPLY:
Dear Ex-wife,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 20 years, although a good woman is a far cry  from what you've been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching.

Too bad that doesn't work any more.
I DID notice when you got a hair do last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a boy!'

Since my father raised me not to say anything, if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment......

and when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have got me confused with  MY BROTHER because I haven't eaten prawns for 7 years.

About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out.
So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job & bought 2 tickets for us to Paris , but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted.My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dollar from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Husband................. Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my brother Glen was born Glenda.
I hope that's not a problem.

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out and this is the perfect opportunity.
They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.
There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.
Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, ''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.'

Another tale from the land of divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar,and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided
They had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut
Their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to
Return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth ... But only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......


And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!

I tried introducing the missus to people as my first wife and she didn't like it. Women don't always have a sense of humour.

Pop Trivia for Today:

After the Beatles, Pete Best started doing entertainment at Old peoples homes.

But he was soon replaced by Bingo .

Sorry Howard, that's going on my Facebook

Superb! Where is it Tony?

Lots of the gags posted on here also end up on my Facebook page. This means that more people can groan at them than on here.

Thanks for sharing.

Where do think I got from?

From your brilliant mind?