Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Posted on: 29 May 2012 by BigH47
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
From your brilliant mind?
Less than brilliant I'm afraid.
Posted on: 31 May 2012 by Tony Lockhart
What's brown and runny?
Usain Bolt.
Posted on: 31 May 2012 by J.N.
A 'joke' about the death of six children crosses a line for me Tony.
I've reported the post as offensive and requested its removal.
John.
Posted on: 31 May 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Ok John.
Posted on: 31 May 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I'm a bit like a dead anteater.
I don't eat ants.
Posted on: 01 June 2012 by Richard S
Courtesy of Commentatorballs in Private Eye;
"Tell me about your career as a weightlifter: what are the ups and downs?"
Radio 4
Posted on: 01 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My mate went to get a tattoo of an Indian warrior on his back. Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand".
The tattooist said "Give me a chance mate, I've only just finished his turban"
Posted on: 01 June 2012 by Blueknowz
My wife is suffering from Heat exhaustion. I've suggested that she tries Hello or OK! for a change
Posted on: 02 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Me and the wife like to do it doggy style.
I beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
Posted on: 02 June 2012 by Richard S
Does this ring a bell with anyone else?
Sums up my three year old to a tee.
Posted on: 03 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I typed Hell instead of Hull into my sat nav.
Still got there.
Posted on: 03 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Once, we got seriously lost on a holiday, and eventually even had to resort to cannibalism to survive. It was tough, but our choices were either that or McDonalds.
Posted on: 04 June 2012 by Blueknowz
A husband is going on a message for his wife.
Get me a carton of milk, and if they have eggs get six.
The husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
Why have you got six cartons of milk, she asked.
He replied, They had eggs!!
Posted on: 04 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
A lizard is reported to have escaped tonight from London Zoo.
Police are monitoring the situation
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir, is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used, and now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use, and what I want to know is: how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs."
Blackadder: "Baldrick, do you mean: how did the Euro start?"
Baldrick: "Yes, Sir."
Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises."
Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it, Sir?"
Blackadder: "That's right, Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan."
Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"
Blackadder: "It was Bollocks!"
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by BigH47
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by Blueknowz
So Alex Oxlade-Chamberlin and Theo Walcott's families aren't going to the Euros because of racist abuse from people in Poland and Ukraine.
Can't John Terry just stay in a different hotel?
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
The Queen's Jubilee. Nothing makes us feel more British than behaving like North Koreans.
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by Reginald Halliday
Beer and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms.
Happy Days.
Tony
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Take the bingo out of Wellingborough and it's well rough.
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My wife asked me if I had any fantasies..
I said "I've got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met"..
She said "What, and you pick me up in some bar?".
I said "No..Just the first bit".
Posted on: 05 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
I took Gok Wan to The Natural History Museum in London. They have a database of every living thing on the planet.
Unfortunately, they didn't have a clue either.
Posted on: 06 June 2012 by Paper Plane
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Me and the wife like to do it doggy style. I beg, she rolls over and plays dead.
Brilliant Tony! I laughed out loud.
steve
Posted on: 06 June 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Disney World.. A people trap operated by a mouse.
