Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
Two cowboys are talking about sex.
One cowboy says "I like the rodeo position best"
"I haven't heard of that" says the other cowboy, "what is it?"
"Well," says the first cowboy "get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind. Then reach round and cup each of her breasts and whisper 'These feel just like your sister's.' Then try and hold on for 8 seconds"
That is the "Bucking Bronco". From the Dirty Sanchez series.
I recently have become involved in the science of salad-making: one of the first things I learnt is that for each ounce of mayonnaise there must be half an ounce of carrot and two ounces of cabbage.
This is known as Cole's Law.
A woman was today admitted to hospital with a vacuum cleaner embedded into her genitals. Doctors say although she remains in Intensive Care, she is picking up well.
Pulled one of its legs off with a pair of tweezers - it's only a seven-foot spider now.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?.
The Nazis.
And that's the last entry in Anne Frank's diary.
Not a joke as such, but this is the reply my Aussie mate, working in Saudi, gave to his wife:
Such a sensitive guy!
Tony
The second horse says, "That's a funny thing, I was in the 2:30 at Chepstow on Saturday. Trailing the pack like you, then sudden stinging sensation, whoosh, right past the rest of them and won by two lengths".
The third horse says "The same thing happened to me in the 4pm in Cheltenham, losing, sharp pain startling me so much I bolted and won the race."
A greyhound sitting at the next table leant over, "Excuse me, " he said, "I couldn't help overhearing your stories. I was in the 8 o'clock at White City. Last out of the trap and trailing. Suddenly I felt a sharp stinging pain, I was so shocked I passed the hare and won the race."
The first horse turned to the others and said "B#gger me! A talking greyhound!"
THE OLDER WOMAN
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked.
'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'
The wife left a note on top of the TV for me. 'It's not working. I'm leaving.'
I plugged it in, switched it on... There's eff all wrong with it.
My wife says she's going to a fancy dress party as a witch with a hairy wart on her nose. She could at least make an effort.
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?"
I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?"
I said, "No, she's an optician."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here,"
says the devil.. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to
do. I've got a few folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even
let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded
pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept
diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and
over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate
in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think
so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all
day long."
The devil led him to the door of
the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks.
All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got
this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if
all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George .
The devil opened a third door.
Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his
arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle
pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does
best.
George looked at this in shocked
disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
(This is priceless...)
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
minge unlocking kit.
Blimey.....
Blimey.....
They give you one free at every drive in slab shop when you buy 10 slabs or more in Aus
I give up, what's a "slab shop"?
steve
I give up, what's a "slab shop"?
steve
In Oz, a "slab" is 24 cans of beer in a carton.