Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
He looks at the mother then the father and nods his head 'yes ma'am, Michael f**king, b***ard, s**t, c**t, f**king Jones'.
Shocked the mother steps to one side, the father puts his hands on her shoulders, then with a dismayed look mutters 'Oh, I'm sorry Michael, Jenny never said you had tourette's '
Michael looked at him and replied ' I don't....... but the vicar at my christening did'
I've had a such a sh*t day.
This morning I ended up in a fight with a man dressed as a medieval poet, then almost choked to death on a German sausage...
Things have just gone from bard to wurst.
I met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!
If you doubt that the dog is man's best friend, try the following:
Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk (boot) of your car. After an hour, who's happy to see you?
The wife left a note on the fridge..........
"It's not working!!! I can't take it anymore, I've gone to stay at mum's"
I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.
God know's what she's on about....
So true.
Jono
Comments made by South Carolina Troopers, taken from their car videos:
1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )
13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"
14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we like."
15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
16.. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Ladies. Stay cool in this warm weather by doing the dishes in cold water.
Tony
continuing the drumming theme...
Is an out of work classical musician down on his Gluck?
steve
The phone rings & is answered by 'erself.
Heavy breathing
"Do you have a tight arse with no hair"
"Yes, he's watching TV - can I say who's calling?"