Best Jokes (continues)

If you want to hear some good jokes? look this up on Channel 4 player or buy the dvd.

It was on channel 4 last night.

I have not laughed so much for ages.

He had me in stitches needed the add breaks to breath.

Stu.

"Arch your back more!" I told Tom Daley, "...and at the last second lock your hips. That'll reduce the splash."

"Take your megaphone" he replied, "and get the fkuc out of my toilet."

A young teenager in South Texas takes his heifer over to a neighbor to be bred by their bull.  The daughter of the rancher comes out in a miniskirt and see-through blouse and takes him out to the corral.  The bull snorts and bellows, produces a two-foot hard on, and climbs on the little heifer and starts giving her the old in and out.  They are both bellowing and slobbering and the kid finally turns to the gorgeous young girl and yells, "My God, I wish I was a-doin that!"  "Go ahead," the girl replies, "It's your heifer."

A local business man started building a new bar/tavern in a small town in Klicksburg.

The local NG (church) started a campaign with petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening. But the work progressed right up to the week before opening when a lightning strike hit the building & it burned to the ground.

The bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, through either direct or indirect actions or means.
In its reply to the court the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge opened the hearing with the comment, "I don't know yet how I'm going to decide on this case, but it appears we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer & an entire church congregation that does not"

THE BOERE COMPUTER DICTIONARY

Log on: Make the braai hotter

Log off: The braai is too hot

Monitor: Keeping an eye on the braai

Download: Get the braaiwood off the bakkie

Hard drive: Trip back home without beer

Floppy disc: What you get from lifting to much braaiwood

Keyboard: Where you hang the bakkie and motor bike keys

Windows: What you shut when its too cold

Byte: What mosquitoes do

Bit: What mosquitoes did

Megabyte: What mosquitoes at the dam do

Chip: A bar snack

Microchip: What is left after you eat the chips

Modem: What you did with the lawns

Dot Matrix: Jan Matrix's wife

Laptop: Where the cat sleep

A woman sitting at a restaurant in Boksburg suddenly began to cough while eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals at the next table turned to look at her.

"Kan you like to swallow?", asked one.

The woman, desperately shaking her head,  signalled 'No'.

"Kan you like to breeve?" asked the other.

The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No.'

With that one of the Boks walked over to her, lifted up the back of her skirt, yanked down her panties & slowly ran his tongue up and down the woman's butt crack. This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.

The man walked back over to his table and took another sip of his Klippies & Coke. His partner said in admiration , "Jislaaaik, I did heard of that Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.."

The Top 10 Jokes as judged as this years Edinburgh Festival;

1 Stewart Francis - "You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks."

2 Tim Vine - "Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the telly."

3 Will Marsh - "I was raised as an only child, which really annoyed my sister."

4 Rob Beckett - "You know you're working class when your TV is bigger than your book case."

5 Chris Turner - "I'm good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet ... I don't know why."

6 Tim Vine - "I took part in the sun tanning Olympics - I just got Bronze."

7 George Ryegold - "Pornography is often frowned upon, but that's only because I'm concentrating."

8 Stewart Francis - "I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting."

9 Lou Sanders - "I waited an hour for my starter so I complained: 'It's not rocket salad'."

10 Nish Kumar - "My mum's so pessimistic, that if there was an Olympics for pessimism ... she wouldn't fancy her chances."

I was going to post that!

They're good this year

I have liked Stewart Francis since I saw him on Mock The Week delivering the immortal;

"I broke wind in a lift the other day - it was wrong on so many levels."

I find the winner the least funny of the lot.

Lionel RichTea

Awesome.

Various types of Nuts.

Nuts on the wall?

Walnuts.

Nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts

Nuts on your chin?

Dick in mouth.

Thing about Prince Harry is that he IS a prince, he's single and a combat veteran. Blimey, the real concern would be if he wasn't out partying with naked women in a Vegas pool!

Can't be arsed with any crown jewels puns though...

But(t): he finally got rid of his nazi uniform!

steve

I was hoping someone here could enlighten me: I don't get it  either.

KR

Tony

He was probably still wearing it until he saw that photographer coming.