Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
I saw an advert in window that said "Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full". I thought, I can't turn that down!
Q: What is the hippies' favourite folk song?
A: I dream of hairy with the light brown jeans.......
The first medals of the Olympics have been decided,,in the yachting Britain took Gold, Russia took silver......... and Somalia took the bloody boat.
And in the ladies swimming event the Chinese contestant said she was very optimistic, Chee Ting Fuka said she expected to smash the World record by 10 seconds!
EssexLion found hiding in a wardrobe. When asked what he was doing, he said 'Narnia business!'
EssexLion found hiding in a wardrobe. When asked what he was doing, he said 'Narnia business!'
EssexLion found hiding in a wardrobe. When asked what he was doing, he said 'Narnia business!'
D'oh
Man eating Meerkats sighted in East Grinstead
Haggis plague moves into Cumbria
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street .
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa. 'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
Two interesting facts about me.
1) My penis is the same length as 3 Argos pens.
2) I'm banned from Argos.
Two women where walking home home after a girls night out and they feel the need to pee, so passing a graveyard, they decide to go to answer the call of nature.
Of course they have no loo roll so the first one uses her knickers and then throws them away while the other woman spots a ribbon on a wreath and pulls it off and uses that.
Next day, their husbands are talking and one says to the other, you know we need to watch our wives when they go out for their nights out, my wife came home last night without her knickers. "You think that's bad" said the other husband, mine had a card stuck to her bum that said "from all the guys at the fire station - we'll miss you"
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."
The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.
"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.
The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"
"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.
"Like what?" asked the bartender.
"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.
The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.
"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"
This morning my dog looked at me and then said "Tell me a joke".
I replied "No, you don't understand human jokes"
"Oh yeah, because humans are just so clever and I'm just a stupid dog?" He complained.
"Allright then," I said, "Knock Knock".
Then he ran off shouting "It's the door, it's the door, quick, quick, somebody is at the door"
I've just bought a car with "Stop Start" technology.
Even after ten years of marriage, my wife's still a real good looker. No matter where I hide my porn, she always finds it.
For sale: One broken quiz machine. No questions asked.
"What the hell are you doing in the bathroom Philip? You sound like you're having an asthma attack."
"What the hell are you doing in the bathroom Philip? You sound like you're having an asthma attack."
It took me a minute but I got there in the end 
.... rather like Phillip I suspect.
I still don't get it. Is it something to do with the apocryphal record "Magic Moments, on Philips, 12 inch"??
Two interesting facts about me.
1) My penis is the same length as 3 Argos pens.
2) I'm banned from Argos.
I've been chuckling all week at this.
