Best Jokes (continues)
Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007
A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order. A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order. A third vampire walks into the bar with a used tampon and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?' The vampire answered- 'i just fancy a cup of tea'.
A duck walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Got any bread?"
"Sorry," says the barman, "we don't sell bread."
The duck walks round the bar once than returns and asks him, "Got any bread?"
"I told you before, we don't have any bread."
The duck returns a minute later, goes up to the barman and says, "Got any bread?"
The barman grabs him by the beak and snarls, "If you ask me one more time for bread I'm going to nail your beak to the bar and leave you there."
The duck turns pale, drops to the floor and wanders round the room. Every time he passes the barman he hesitates, turns pale and continues on.
Just before closing time he stops and asks the barman, "Got any nails?"
The barman sighs and tells him he doesn't have any nails.
"In that case, got any bread?"
To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs.
I'll nick that, Tony.
My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess.
So I took a picture of her topless and put it on facebook.
I haven't seen Kate Middleton's boobs yet, although I have seen the photos.
What was Bill Clinton's last remembrance of Monica ?
"She had one of the prettiest faces I've ever come across..."
My wife said she wanted to be treated like a princess.
So I took a picture of her topless and put it on facebook.
At least you didn't drive her through a French tunnel?
What was Bill Clinton's last remembrance of Monica ?
"She had one of the prettiest faces I've ever come across..."
It was a simple misunderstanding due to his southern drawl. What he actually said when he called her into his office was, "Monica, I want you to sack ma cook."
My wife asked me to get her something silky for her birthday, but judging by her reaction I think the tin of emulsion was the wrong colour.
I've never been skydiving, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.
From Schiit Audio's advertising for their PYST interconnect:
Beyond Just Technology: SuperUltraHyperTechnology PYST cables are made from only the finest 6-nines Unobtanium™ alloy, molecularly assembled in our Alternate Universe™ reality-distortion tesseract field , using a secret geometry reverse-engineered from crashed UFOs, painstakingly smuggled out of Area 51 by deep-cover operatives. Performance is further enhanced by the use of a QuantConnect™ quantum-entangled pair of transmission interfaces, held at absolute zero by our exclusive Stasis Field™ technology. The cables are then wrapped in NanoAeroCap™, a nanotechnology-enabled aerogel anti-capacitance insulation system, featuring Fractal Interleaved Geometry™ to create negative inductance for maximum audio transmission quality.
I thought for a second that was for a Russ Andrews mains lead!
Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
A: Banned from the petting zoo.
I got my wife a vibrator for her birthday. She's done nothing but moan ever since.
A man's wife buys him two ties for his birthday. The next day he takes one of the cupboard and puts it on.
When he gets downstairs his wife takes one look at the tie and yells "What was wrong with the other one???"
steve