Best Jokes (continues)

Posted by: Adam Meredith on 28 April 2007

http://forums.naim-audio.com/eve/forums/a/tpc/f/58019385/m/4391984906
Posted on: 15 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart
"If you want information on the issues affecting those in Hollyoaks, please call the following number..." "Hello? Yeah I'm a diabolical actor too."
Posted on: 15 November 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
The last sexual partner I had was a bit of a dog. I found it in a bin round the back of the vet's.

Sic tony!!

Posted on: 15 November 2012 by Tony2011
For the sake of your health - stay away from hospitals!
Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow
1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:-  Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection.  However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
 
 
 
We're all in safe hands...
 
  

Posted on: 15 November 2012 by Massimo Bertola

9, 13, 18, 28!

M.

Posted on: 16 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart
In motorsport news: Formula One is to return to the U.S. For any unsure Americans, it's just as boring as Indy car, but they sometimes turn right.
Posted on: 16 November 2012 by Russ

Tony: Actually you are wrong--Indy cars sometimes turn right too--quite suddenly, at 220 miles per hour--and with spectacular results!

 

I'm just sayin'

 

Russ

Posted on: 16 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Apparently, "hiring a babysitter to enhance our sex life" means something completely different to my wife.
Posted on: 16 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart
So, we have a new police commissioner in Cambridgeshire. I wonder if he's been issued his Batman searchlight yet...?
Posted on: 17 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Children in Need is always such an eye-opening experience for me. Who knew I had all these other TV channels?
Posted on: 17 November 2012 by Mike-B

The police get a call from a house reporting people were damaging cars outside in the road.

A car was sent & the officer found a group of youths causing mayhem with one of them dancing on the roof of a car.


He radio'd for backup, saying   ".....& there's a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen"
"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator "You have to use the correct terminology"
"OK" he says, "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

Posted on: 17 November 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Mike-B:

The police get a call from a house reporting people were damaging cars outside in the road.

A car was sent & the officer found a group of youths causing mayhem with one of them dancing on the roof of a car.


He radio'd for backup, saying   ".....& there's a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen"
"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator "You have to use the correct terminology"
"OK" he says, "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

This is So non PC, and yet really funny, LOL

Posted on: 17 November 2012 by Fabio 1
Originally Posted by Mike-B:

The police get a call from a house reporting people were damaging cars outside in the road.

A car was sent & the officer found a group of youths causing mayhem with one of them dancing on the roof of a car.


He radio'd for backup, saying   ".....& there's a darkie dancing on a Volkswagen"
"You can't say that over the radio." replies the operator "You have to use the correct terminology"
"OK" he says, "Zulu.... Tango.... Golf...."

LOL!

Posted on: 17 November 2012 by Reginald Halliday

A Muslim couple, preparing for their wedding, meet the Mullah for counselling. He asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, "We realise it's a tradition in Islam for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral.  Men and women always dance separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam.”
"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Sex is OK within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"No problem," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?"
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure!”
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes!"
"Can we do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"
"You may indeed!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No." says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"It could lead to dancing."

Posted on: 17 November 2012 by Graham Hull

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR

 

 

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?

A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down-under..'

 

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?

A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

 

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?

A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

 

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?

A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

 

 

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

 

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?

A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Posted on: 18 November 2012 by rodwsmith
My new Thesaurus isn't just terrible, it's also terrible.
Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart
Lincoln has been doing well in cinemas. How times change.
Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
Lincoln has been doing well in cinemas. How times change.

??????

Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart
There's a movie titled Lincoln, and it's doing better in the movie theatres than Abraham Lincoln did on that fateful night. I think! Tony
Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Reginald Halliday

The BBC are making a controversial new reality programme, 'I'm a child, get this celebrity out of me!'

Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:
There's a movie titled Lincoln, and it's doing better in the movie theatres than Abraham Lincoln did on that fateful night. I think! Tony

Ok, I thought it was a reference to Lincoln town!!

Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Russ

A better way to have phrased it would have been to substitute "theaters" for "cinemas".  You probably know that Lincoln was assassinated in Ford's Theatre during a production of "Our American Cousin" in Washington, D.C.

 

Russ

Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart

And then somebody would have criticised the use of 'theater', as there are some real pedants here.....

 

 

Tony

Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Russ

No criticism or pedantry intended on this end, Tony--just an explanation.  It really was very funny.  I also have always liked:

 

"Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you enjoy the play>"

 

Best regards,

 

Russ

Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Tony Lockhart
My sister set me up on a date with her flatmate. I would have preferred someone with big boobs, but beggars can't be choosers.
Posted on: 18 November 2012 by Cbr600
Originally Posted by Tony Lockhart:

And then somebody would have criticised the use of 'theater', as there are some real pedants here.....

 

 

Tony

Not from me Tony. The nuances of the grammar and the historical reference were lost on me, being a simple man.