Bullying
Posted by: cunningplan on 03 November 2004
Over the past few months my 10 yr old daughter has been teased and bullied at the local village school.
She is quite a sensitive child who does take things to heart, and finds it hard when kids are mean to her. We've tried to explain that other kids don't always mean what they say and can be friends again very quickly.
Anyway the school has been informed of a little group of kids, two boys and two girls (9 & 10 yr olds) who find picking on my daughter fair game.
Mrs CP who is far more diplomatic than I am has spoken to the class teacher and headmistress about what's going on. Mainly because our daughter is inconsolable most evenings and not wanting to go to school.
This seemed to improve for a couple of weeks after the teacher did a few lessons on bullying without being specific about my daughter, or the kids involved. Then it all started again this week mainly with the boys deciding that my daughter was fair game once more.
Since September she has wanted her little bit of independence by walking to and from school, but since Monday she now wants me or her mum to take her, and pick her up. We decided against that, but I decided to follow her home from school at a distance this evening so I could see first hand the sort of teasing and bullying that was going on.
What I witnessed tonight, sent me into a massive rage, two of the THUGS!! sorry boys started the name calling and teasing. That wasn't sufficient because she ignored them, they decided that a physical assault was far more fun and entertaining. This is where I went absolutely ballistic. I sprinted a good 50 yards (not bad for a 47 yr old) and dealt with it very swiftly.
I have to say that after my verbal tirade on the Thugs! sorry boys, they looked rather shaken and pale, horrified and suprised would be an understatement. I don't know if my reaction was an overreaction, or perhaps any of you guys with kids would have dealt with things differently.
All I can say is that I will protect my daughter with my life, and will certainly not tolerate her being assaulted especially by boys. The next step is to inform the school tomorrow and hopefully get some sort of plan and conclusion to the whole sorry episode
Regards and Rant Over!
Clive
She is quite a sensitive child who does take things to heart, and finds it hard when kids are mean to her. We've tried to explain that other kids don't always mean what they say and can be friends again very quickly.
Anyway the school has been informed of a little group of kids, two boys and two girls (9 & 10 yr olds) who find picking on my daughter fair game.
Mrs CP who is far more diplomatic than I am has spoken to the class teacher and headmistress about what's going on. Mainly because our daughter is inconsolable most evenings and not wanting to go to school.
This seemed to improve for a couple of weeks after the teacher did a few lessons on bullying without being specific about my daughter, or the kids involved. Then it all started again this week mainly with the boys deciding that my daughter was fair game once more.
Since September she has wanted her little bit of independence by walking to and from school, but since Monday she now wants me or her mum to take her, and pick her up. We decided against that, but I decided to follow her home from school at a distance this evening so I could see first hand the sort of teasing and bullying that was going on.
What I witnessed tonight, sent me into a massive rage, two of the THUGS!! sorry boys started the name calling and teasing. That wasn't sufficient because she ignored them, they decided that a physical assault was far more fun and entertaining. This is where I went absolutely ballistic. I sprinted a good 50 yards (not bad for a 47 yr old) and dealt with it very swiftly.
I have to say that after my verbal tirade on the Thugs! sorry boys, they looked rather shaken and pale, horrified and suprised would be an understatement. I don't know if my reaction was an overreaction, or perhaps any of you guys with kids would have dealt with things differently.
All I can say is that I will protect my daughter with my life, and will certainly not tolerate her being assaulted especially by boys. The next step is to inform the school tomorrow and hopefully get some sort of plan and conclusion to the whole sorry episode
Regards and Rant Over!
Clive
As a sufferer of endless bullying at most of my schools (I went to 7 all over the country). I was also beaten unconscious my older brother and beaten regularly and badly my father. So I have some knowledge of the subject. I was also the smallest kid around until just before I left school.
I won't bore you with the gory details. Though I think how different it might all have been almost daily.
Teach your kids that names don't hurt. Nothing anybody says to you can hurt them. Teach them to smile and grin at their bullies. It can't make it worse. The bullies recognise body language and can smell a target at 5 miles. Showing sensitivity to taunts is only the start of bullying. Teach them that even their own best friends will sometimes join in the taunting and bullying. So as not to be singled out themsleves.
Get your kids taught a *useful* self defense system early on. My tiny pre-teen sister once threw an England Rugby Team member across the family lounge using a simple Judo technique.
Self-defense teaches kids confidence as well as defense skills. God I wish I'd had those skills! I quickly learnt not to retaliate to punches. I was much too slow and always got hurt much worse for trying. Boxing is unlikely to make a small unhappy kid happier! They need clever unexpected skills and techniques. Not more punishing blows.
Don't ever tell a kid to stick up for themselves! Not unless you like mopping up your own kid's blood. Bullies almost always come in useful sizes or numbers.
Always, always, always use the police rather than schools to protect your kids against bullying. Many teachers in my time were bullies themselves. Often they lined up the targets for the bullies by taunts, sarcasm and name-calling. Of course they denied there was never ever any bullying in their schools!
I hoped daily that these evil boys and men would die in excrutiating agony. I still do 40 years on! I still boil furiously inside every time I hear about bullying.
Repeated long, hard physical exercise is good for self-confidence and building strong young bodies. Running, hill walking, climbing & cycling are all good. *In addition to the more gentle defense training.* The hard exercise builds self confidence and a posture that makes the kids less likely to be a target in the first place. I also believe it triggers vertical growth.
Remind your kids regularly and gently that they must report bullying to you the moment it happens. It is not something to be ashamed of. And you certainly aren't going to get them into worse trouble. Which is *always* the technique bullies *and perverts* use to control their victims and gain submission.
Teach your kids that it's okay to be self confident. That making friends with complete strangers will be one of their most useful skills until they die of old age. Tell them they have to learn to relax and say hi to new people of all types and ages. To smile and have a few opening lines to put them at ease. If they haven't any openers themselves then teach them something useful for all occasions.
The times I've seen kids in 'job experience' who never made a single friend amongst the regular staff is tragic. A smile and cheeful 'hi' should be taught at school!
These kids should be taught that the job experience is also life experience training.
Teach your kids that they can talk to you at any time about anything. It is never ever a bad time to talk. You are never too busy and never tease or taunt them about such serious matters.
And if you are the sort of parent that thinks kids need strong physical punishment to stay in line. Then I wish you and your kids luck. And their endless victims.
Nime
I won't bore you with the gory details. Though I think how different it might all have been almost daily.
Teach your kids that names don't hurt. Nothing anybody says to you can hurt them. Teach them to smile and grin at their bullies. It can't make it worse. The bullies recognise body language and can smell a target at 5 miles. Showing sensitivity to taunts is only the start of bullying. Teach them that even their own best friends will sometimes join in the taunting and bullying. So as not to be singled out themsleves.
Get your kids taught a *useful* self defense system early on. My tiny pre-teen sister once threw an England Rugby Team member across the family lounge using a simple Judo technique.
Self-defense teaches kids confidence as well as defense skills. God I wish I'd had those skills! I quickly learnt not to retaliate to punches. I was much too slow and always got hurt much worse for trying. Boxing is unlikely to make a small unhappy kid happier! They need clever unexpected skills and techniques. Not more punishing blows.
Don't ever tell a kid to stick up for themselves! Not unless you like mopping up your own kid's blood. Bullies almost always come in useful sizes or numbers.
Always, always, always use the police rather than schools to protect your kids against bullying. Many teachers in my time were bullies themselves. Often they lined up the targets for the bullies by taunts, sarcasm and name-calling. Of course they denied there was never ever any bullying in their schools!
I hoped daily that these evil boys and men would die in excrutiating agony. I still do 40 years on! I still boil furiously inside every time I hear about bullying.
Repeated long, hard physical exercise is good for self-confidence and building strong young bodies. Running, hill walking, climbing & cycling are all good. *In addition to the more gentle defense training.* The hard exercise builds self confidence and a posture that makes the kids less likely to be a target in the first place. I also believe it triggers vertical growth.
Remind your kids regularly and gently that they must report bullying to you the moment it happens. It is not something to be ashamed of. And you certainly aren't going to get them into worse trouble. Which is *always* the technique bullies *and perverts* use to control their victims and gain submission.
Teach your kids that it's okay to be self confident. That making friends with complete strangers will be one of their most useful skills until they die of old age. Tell them they have to learn to relax and say hi to new people of all types and ages. To smile and have a few opening lines to put them at ease. If they haven't any openers themselves then teach them something useful for all occasions.
The times I've seen kids in 'job experience' who never made a single friend amongst the regular staff is tragic. A smile and cheeful 'hi' should be taught at school!
These kids should be taught that the job experience is also life experience training.
Teach your kids that they can talk to you at any time about anything. It is never ever a bad time to talk. You are never too busy and never tease or taunt them about such serious matters.
And if you are the sort of parent that thinks kids need strong physical punishment to stay in line. Then I wish you and your kids luck. And their endless victims.
Nime
Thankyou to those who responded to my post. I had a sleepless night and was going to delete it early this morning. But it seems it has some useful pointers.
I believe bullying is an extreme form of nature's way of seperating those who are different and potentially dangerous to a healthy, balanced society. Or even simply maintaining the status quo.
The witch hunts of the past are only one form of this behaviour. Human society sems to want (or needs) to fragment endlessly. Religion and politics are obvious cases for endless division.
Kids behaviour is an extreme examples of segregation of the "slightly different" from the general mass. A limp, a mole, freckles, red hair, birthmark, race, creed, colour, introversion or extroversion, higher or lower intelligence. All are markers for intolerance and exclusion.
If I learnt anything from my own childhood it is that keeping bullying secret doesn't work. Teachers aren't usually interested in changing the safe routine. It would be "messy" and an open admission of failure. They might find parents taking their kids elsewhere if a bullying label is publicly applied to their school! So I am still hearing the same horror stories 40 years on from my own grammar school days. There is no pressure to change. In fact quite the reverse!
Here in Denmark they have a ventriloquist going round the schools. Who teaches the younger kids about how bad it is to be bullied. He uses role playing and different figures to make sure the kids help each other and be alert to bullying. How they should have a low tolerance to bullying of their friends and classmates. More importantly it makes them aware that they are not unique in being bullied. There is even a website for kids to talk privately to the artist about their own bullying experiences.
No doubt he has a hotline to the schools involved when he learns of a severe problem.
The bullies are often victims themselves. Bullied by their fathers or mothers. Often with inadequate anger management skills. The two major bullies at my last grammar school went to jail shortly after being expelled for attacking teachers. I heard one was already a hard drug addict. Within a couple of years of leaving school.
Your kids get only one chance in life to get an education. If they drop from the A stream to B then C and finally F like I did. Then it has to be something more than laziness.
Kids suffered from "grumbling appendix" in my time. I had it for years. It was probably just doctor speak for the common symptoms of intolerable stress. Anything to get off school for an indeterminate period. The symptoms can last a lifetime!
Teach your kids self-confidence in as many different ways as possible. Above all teach them how to make friends easily with *almost* anyone. Those with lots of friends are rarely bullied. They just grin, shrug off the taunts and get on with their lives.
Don't become paranoid about bullying. Just be alert and sensitive to its existence everywhere.
Including where you work. Secrecy is always the bully's power over their victims. Often with catastrophic results. Your timely intervention could mean the difference between a life of pain or even suicide. Do not expect the victim to help themselves. They will often deny there is even a problem. Fearful of further torment, shame or torture.
I once saw a young woman with a pushchair arguing with a young man in the street. He kept punching her viciously with his clenched fists. I quickly stopped my car and shouted at him to stop. I was promptly assaulted with a string of obscene expletives from the victim for interfering! I wonder if she survived?
Nime
I believe bullying is an extreme form of nature's way of seperating those who are different and potentially dangerous to a healthy, balanced society. Or even simply maintaining the status quo.
The witch hunts of the past are only one form of this behaviour. Human society sems to want (or needs) to fragment endlessly. Religion and politics are obvious cases for endless division.
Kids behaviour is an extreme examples of segregation of the "slightly different" from the general mass. A limp, a mole, freckles, red hair, birthmark, race, creed, colour, introversion or extroversion, higher or lower intelligence. All are markers for intolerance and exclusion.
If I learnt anything from my own childhood it is that keeping bullying secret doesn't work. Teachers aren't usually interested in changing the safe routine. It would be "messy" and an open admission of failure. They might find parents taking their kids elsewhere if a bullying label is publicly applied to their school! So I am still hearing the same horror stories 40 years on from my own grammar school days. There is no pressure to change. In fact quite the reverse!
Here in Denmark they have a ventriloquist going round the schools. Who teaches the younger kids about how bad it is to be bullied. He uses role playing and different figures to make sure the kids help each other and be alert to bullying. How they should have a low tolerance to bullying of their friends and classmates. More importantly it makes them aware that they are not unique in being bullied. There is even a website for kids to talk privately to the artist about their own bullying experiences.
No doubt he has a hotline to the schools involved when he learns of a severe problem.
The bullies are often victims themselves. Bullied by their fathers or mothers. Often with inadequate anger management skills. The two major bullies at my last grammar school went to jail shortly after being expelled for attacking teachers. I heard one was already a hard drug addict. Within a couple of years of leaving school.
Your kids get only one chance in life to get an education. If they drop from the A stream to B then C and finally F like I did. Then it has to be something more than laziness.
Kids suffered from "grumbling appendix" in my time. I had it for years. It was probably just doctor speak for the common symptoms of intolerable stress. Anything to get off school for an indeterminate period. The symptoms can last a lifetime!
Teach your kids self-confidence in as many different ways as possible. Above all teach them how to make friends easily with *almost* anyone. Those with lots of friends are rarely bullied. They just grin, shrug off the taunts and get on with their lives.
Don't become paranoid about bullying. Just be alert and sensitive to its existence everywhere.
Including where you work. Secrecy is always the bully's power over their victims. Often with catastrophic results. Your timely intervention could mean the difference between a life of pain or even suicide. Do not expect the victim to help themselves. They will often deny there is even a problem. Fearful of further torment, shame or torture.
I once saw a young woman with a pushchair arguing with a young man in the street. He kept punching her viciously with his clenched fists. I quickly stopped my car and shouted at him to stop. I was promptly assaulted with a string of obscene expletives from the victim for interfering! I wonder if she survived?
Nime