True truths 2
Posted by: Berlin Fritz on 21 November 2004
I am unable to post to True Truths 1.
Millwall 1 Hammers Lost - Bastards.
Fritz Von Wouldilietoyou ?
Millwall 1 Hammers Lost - Bastards.
Fritz Von Wouldilietoyou ?
Over the last few weeks I've been considering taking a stress reducing month or so's trip to Trinidad & Tobago to chill out, and maybe start a jam & marmalade business to cater for my pension top up, and other un-forseen expenses. Maybe I'll meet out Mat there on a tax break ? (Or has he been BANNED ?)
Fritz Von I'll have to go soon ohterwise summer will get me here first, innit !!!
Barking Creek ?
Fritz Von I'll have to go soon ohterwise summer will get me here first, innit !!!
Barking Creek ?
Labour's shiny new slogan "Fowards not Backwards" has a familiar ring to it .... to residents of the former East Germany. "Vorwarts immer, rückwarts nimmer !", was the catchphrase of East German leader Erich Honecker, the man who built the Berlin wall; and disillusioned Ossies used to quote it ironically as their country collapsed into economic ruin. Germans still use it today to send each other up, innit.
Fritz Von Not too political hopefully ?
Fritz Von Not too political hopefully ?
I heard that after Charlie Boy got his customary Maori tongue wagging welcome, he showed a couple of the lads a picture of his intended and they all ran off screaming terrified at his obvious power !
Fritz Von See it's not all black afterall, issit !!!
Fritz Von See it's not all black afterall, issit !!!
Strangely enough I typed '2Jags' into google earlier and first to come out was Arfer Scargill ?
F.V.Pinkerton
F.V.Pinkerton
2 Dogs
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Willit Willit
26 reasons why men have 2 dogs and not 2 wives:
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
Willit Willit
Up to 31st December last year a newly unemployed Doctor/Architect/Professional (having worked at least a year+ previously) who signed on the dole here in Germany, would have got a percentage of their last wage (circa 59%) up to a top level limit. A lower paid skilled or unskilled worker would have recieved the same percentage, and it would continue for a limited time (slowly decreasing) depending on how much one had contributed in the first place. I personally found this a very fair system, and as the major contributions here are seperated at source (Health, Unemployment insurance, Pension, etc) and easily read and understood even by idiots such as I, and could be seen to be democratic so to speak, unlike other places where all the money is jiumbled together willy nilly at whatever Chancellor's pleasure.
As of 1st of January this year all the afore-mentioned newly unemployed folk will recieve a set amount, which is equal across the board, only ones utility bills (rent) vary & up to certain limits too naturally. These drastic financial chenges have been needed for a long time, and have caused great political strife, but in the end it is understood by all here (99%) that you can't have what we ain't got, unlike the philosophy of endless borrowing, and blame game culture adopted by UK and others to suit their own limited agenda's without really caring a toss about the population as a whole, innit.
Fritz Von Let's all move to Spain
As of 1st of January this year all the afore-mentioned newly unemployed folk will recieve a set amount, which is equal across the board, only ones utility bills (rent) vary & up to certain limits too naturally. These drastic financial chenges have been needed for a long time, and have caused great political strife, but in the end it is understood by all here (99%) that you can't have what we ain't got, unlike the philosophy of endless borrowing, and blame game culture adopted by UK and others to suit their own limited agenda's without really caring a toss about the population as a whole, innit.
Fritz Von Let's all move to Spain
Watching the mega Happy crowds in Beruit earlier Live on Syrian National TV I couldn't help but wonder how Condi (sorry, George) was going to explain away the obvious anti - Israeli/Yankee feeling towards thier Democratic future ?
Fritz Von No suprise that the 'Media' have implied that Sinn Fein will execute the killers of Mr McCartney recently savagely murdered in cold blood by animals in N.Ireland, and one wonders in all seriousness what it will achieve except selling a few more rags, My hat is off to the brave sisters of the dead man, who by going against a very very deep rooted grain will hopefully bring these scum before a court instead of the easy way out for all concerned (including 10 Downing St). These animals are scum that even defile the name of the (unfortunately real life) mafiarisation of Northern Irish life, innit 
Fritz Von No suprise that the 'Media' have implied that Sinn Fein will execute the killers of Mr McCartney recently savagely murdered in cold blood by animals in N.Ireland, and one wonders in all seriousness what it will achieve except selling a few more rags, My hat is off to the brave sisters of the dead man, who by going against a very very deep rooted grain will hopefully bring these scum before a court instead of the easy way out for all concerned (including 10 Downing St). These animals are scum that even defile the name of the (unfortunately real life) mafiarisation of Northern Irish life, innit
A strange comparison (if it is one ?), I personally don't see Hissbollah as being the only organisers of the obviously sincere 'Ralley' !
Fritz Von I see the couple jailed in UK for supposedly over-dosing theor 3 year old adopted child with salt, are now being seen as serious candidates for misscarriages of justice (once again). Though HM Gutter press have condemned them already, as well as tv, what a hell on earth, if they are released as innocent in the not too distamt future, maybe they should go to live in Lebanon, it'll be safer for them.
Fritz Von I see the couple jailed in UK for supposedly over-dosing theor 3 year old adopted child with salt, are now being seen as serious candidates for misscarriages of justice (once again). Though HM Gutter press have condemned them already, as well as tv, what a hell on earth, if they are released as innocent in the not too distamt future, maybe they should go to live in Lebanon, it'll be safer for them.
One would assume that if the late great Dave Allen had been a Liverpudlian Irish Catholic (like so many are) the P.M. may well have organised a State funeral for him there, not too mention being another great diversionary tactic to help everybody forget about his lying to justify sending our troops to Iraq and make Dubya his bestest bestest buddy (short lived I fear, now Condi's in charge of Dipolmacy ?)
Fritz Von I didn't know the Pope's phone number was Vat 69 ?
Fritz Von I didn't know the Pope's phone number was Vat 69 ?
I absolutely hated green beans (boiled not roasted) in my old Non Jamie Oliver school dinners, bloody awful, so they were.
Fritz Von Steamed treacle pudding and custard was not bad though
Fritz Von Steamed treacle pudding and custard was not bad though
Having just this moment returned from my unnoficial stockbroker who's been advising me on wisely investing a recent tax rebate and suprising increase in my unemployment benfits, I was rather taken aback to find a black edged envelope in my postbox.
Here in Germany it's the done thing to inform somebody of a persons timely or untimely demise with such an envelope to soften the blow so to speak. Me thinking not another bloody one, and it's only Monday. To cut a long story long it was 'fortunately ?' an acknowledgemnt from a letter I'd sent a month ago to the family of the old lady who owns this house I call home, who dies at the magnificent age of 102 totally compis mentus to-boot, of which I think I've already once mentioned afore.Slightly cheered by this revelation I started the paperwork supplied by afore-mentioned broker to get my investments sorted within Deutsche Post, who as you all may know (mick too) will in 2007 take over the Post Office, after de-regulation at last (naturally at a ridicuously low price, costing the tax payer loads)and share holders doing the usual bunk, as in case you haden't noticed there's just as many greedy bastards in the Labour party as there are in the Tory party, innit, in fact these days distinguishing them apart is almost impossible.
Fritz Von Lick a stamp
Here in Germany it's the done thing to inform somebody of a persons timely or untimely demise with such an envelope to soften the blow so to speak. Me thinking not another bloody one, and it's only Monday. To cut a long story long it was 'fortunately ?' an acknowledgemnt from a letter I'd sent a month ago to the family of the old lady who owns this house I call home, who dies at the magnificent age of 102 totally compis mentus to-boot, of which I think I've already once mentioned afore.Slightly cheered by this revelation I started the paperwork supplied by afore-mentioned broker to get my investments sorted within Deutsche Post, who as you all may know (mick too) will in 2007 take over the Post Office, after de-regulation at last (naturally at a ridicuously low price, costing the tax payer loads)and share holders doing the usual bunk, as in case you haden't noticed there's just as many greedy bastards in the Labour party as there are in the Tory party, innit, in fact these days distinguishing them apart is almost impossible.
Fritz Von Lick a stamp
What with all the recent last minute rebuffs to the Annual Whitehouse St Patrick's Day Party regulars, will our own Mr Parry now be the only Mick there ?
Fritz Von Green Beer Ugh
Fritz Von Green Beer Ugh
As most of you probably know Sir Winston Churchill spent much of his childhood in America, and during those darkest days in the War cabinet rooms he drank copious amounts of decent champagne and not endless gold watches like the movies/press portrayed ?
Fritz Von Hopefully the newly proposed monument in London to HM Queen Elisabeth the Queen Mum will be designed by a brilliant artist from anywhere in this world (or even Commonwealth) and not some cheap (super expensive money-wise) load of old New Labour Bollocks (mate of Cherie)who'll tarnish her amazing legacy, irrespective of what you may think of her, innit
Fritz Von Hopefully the newly proposed monument in London to HM Queen Elisabeth the Queen Mum will be designed by a brilliant artist from anywhere in this world (or even Commonwealth) and not some cheap (super expensive money-wise) load of old New Labour Bollocks (mate of Cherie)who'll tarnish her amazing legacy, irrespective of what you may think of her, innit
Once whils't ordering a Scotch in my loudest Cockney woice in the Outside Inn in Glasgee oe'r fran the Kelvin, the wee felly behine the coonter asks me "And how many cubes of basic artificial ice would Sir like in his drink ?"
Fritz Von I was shocked & Stunned then the poleece came, innit :
Fritz Von I was shocked & Stunned
then the poleece came, innit :Oh no; Fritz is having his fawts again, and as you know but seriously folks, we do all have our thoughts don't we ? One of my favourite periodicals has once again induced me to question certain things sometimes discussed at length on this forum. Remember the inordinately large amount of Parliamentary and Prime Minsterial attention given to the subject of fox hunting? (some 1200% more than that given to deciding Britain's sending of troops to Iraq) well a new poser has hit me, innit. The not new question of how British Muslims & Jews prepare their Halal & Kosher meat ? Given this Governments tendency to be 'animal friendly' and given that it's recieved many hundreds of thousands of pounds in donations from animal rights organisations in the past, never mind our Cherie sticking her ore in for the kids sakes ! it seems rather odd to say the least that the practice of animal throat cutting is still allowed.
Obviously both the Jewish & Muslim votes are very impotent to any British Politician (barring BNP possibly ?) and it has no doubt once again been brought to the forefront as part of an ever increasingly 'Dirty' erection campagne,(Alistaire Who?) but all the same our Tone has apparently put the fears of those affected totally at rest in that there will be no significant changes in the way such religion's prepare their meat ! I can only but wonder what would happen if a normal British farmer (possibly Jewish or Muslim to-boot?) slaughtered animals for the normal local market in such a way, I suspect the local beat would be sharp on their toes ? and no ! this isn't Richard Littlejohn disguised as Fritz !
Chelsea against Bayern, what a cracker, I suspect Berlin will soon be full of newly found Blues supporters (Bavaria is not popular with us lot here), assuming with a capital (A) that our Hammers man is reading this during his tea break ? Our Mat, it's great that you can afford Upton Park season tickets on a regular basis,, you are obviously a real fan, and know all the stats backwards ? As a kid I think I was first there at the age of 7 on a regular basis standing on a wooden beer crate in the chicken run, where I was allowed to watch reserve games only; with my mates, innit. What with Mick being a born again Scouser when it suits him, I'll possibly be rootin for them too ? though I must admit if my partner boasted of having 70 + bottles of whisky in the house, I don't know what'd be worse, if they were all full, or all nearly empty ? Remember though, as teenagers tend to do (especially lads) experimenting with Dad's drinks cabinet and topping the bottles up with water (or even artificial melted ice ? always dilutes the situ somewhat in the end, dunnit).
7up old bean ! You are quite right "Rent A Crowd" is very possibly the order of the day in Lebanon, though I sincerely hope not, only time will tell said the man in the Whitehouse ? It did occur to me that by covering a few subjects in one post I couild kill three birds with one knife as it were (didn't want to mention stoning), and as we're all prone to totally highjack threads into other subjects anyway (Arye comes to mind again, who's posted one sentence since, if I recall correctly, assuming naturally that he hasn't got better things to do with his time, though, innit ?), I thought it inconsequential. Never being able to compose a diatribe so elloquently as say 'Our Mat' I consider this the nearest thing to it anyway, innit.
Fritz Von Just enjoying (very loudly) a favourite track from 'The Cure' (which will no doubt bore real music afficianado's out there ?) but as always, everybody to their own "Cos Friday's I'm in Love " & I like the bit best when Bruce Lee comes in on vocals, innit !!!
Obviously both the Jewish & Muslim votes are very impotent to any British Politician (barring BNP possibly ?) and it has no doubt once again been brought to the forefront as part of an ever increasingly 'Dirty' erection campagne,(Alistaire Who?) but all the same our Tone has apparently put the fears of those affected totally at rest in that there will be no significant changes in the way such religion's prepare their meat ! I can only but wonder what would happen if a normal British farmer (possibly Jewish or Muslim to-boot?) slaughtered animals for the normal local market in such a way, I suspect the local beat would be sharp on their toes ? and no ! this isn't Richard Littlejohn disguised as Fritz !
Chelsea against Bayern, what a cracker, I suspect Berlin will soon be full of newly found Blues supporters (Bavaria is not popular with us lot here), assuming with a capital (A) that our Hammers man is reading this during his tea break ? Our Mat, it's great that you can afford Upton Park season tickets on a regular basis,, you are obviously a real fan, and know all the stats backwards ? As a kid I think I was first there at the age of 7 on a regular basis standing on a wooden beer crate in the chicken run, where I was allowed to watch reserve games only; with my mates, innit. What with Mick being a born again Scouser when it suits him, I'll possibly be rootin for them too ? though I must admit if my partner boasted of having 70 + bottles of whisky in the house, I don't know what'd be worse, if they were all full, or all nearly empty ? Remember though, as teenagers tend to do (especially lads) experimenting with Dad's drinks cabinet and topping the bottles up with water (or even artificial melted ice ? always dilutes the situ somewhat in the end, dunnit).
7up old bean ! You are quite right "Rent A Crowd" is very possibly the order of the day in Lebanon, though I sincerely hope not, only time will tell said the man in the Whitehouse ? It did occur to me that by covering a few subjects in one post I couild kill three birds with one knife as it were (didn't want to mention stoning), and as we're all prone to totally highjack threads into other subjects anyway (Arye comes to mind again, who's posted one sentence since, if I recall correctly, assuming naturally that he hasn't got better things to do with his time, though, innit ?), I thought it inconsequential. Never being able to compose a diatribe so elloquently as say 'Our Mat' I consider this the nearest thing to it anyway, innit.
Fritz Von Just enjoying (very loudly) a favourite track from 'The Cure' (which will no doubt bore real music afficianado's out there ?) but as always, everybody to their own "Cos Friday's I'm in Love " & I like the bit best when Bruce Lee comes in on vocals, innit !!!
Adam was right, The new plastic Marmite jars are definately not designed to be opened by adults !
Fritz Von AVG has to be updated almost weekly now it seems too ? as good though as it is, innit
Fritz Von AVG has to be updated almost weekly now it seems too ? as good though as it is, innit
Come on then ! Who saw the big chair throwing punch up in an African Paliament on tv yesterday (forget the Country ?), bloody DEmocracy oin action alright, if they hadn't all been black fellys I would have asworn it was the Aussies on a quiet day.
The best bloody bit of all though is that they were arguing about the presence of UN Peacekeepers in their Country .
Fritz Von Over to my neighbours to get their kid to open my new plastic marmite pot for me so I can finally have breakfast
The best bloody bit of all though is that they were arguing about the presence of UN Peacekeepers in their Country .
Fritz Von Over to my neighbours to get their kid to open my new plastic marmite pot for me so I can finally have breakfast
Trafalgar Square 19th March 2005 15:00 Swindon Mean Time. 40,000 people plus are today excercising their democratic rights to demonstrate against the Iraq War initiated 2 years ago. A well known Journo cum tv presenter stopped two likely looking gentelmen briskly marching by and looking impotent, and asked them for their comments on the proceedings. The young looking jobbish type who professed to being a West Ham supporter, followed up with "I'm afraid I can't say too much at this stage" in what I must admit was suprisingly a very un-West Ham like voice !
His cheeky chappy friend who confessed to being a charve (barbour jacket an all) stated that it's a tragedy that fox hunting is being killed off, cos they wear really good stuff, innit, and he's only there to buy some green coffee beans for his Gypsy friends and neighours presently occupying (sorry freeing) his garden of demons and pot plants, for roasting over an open fire tommorow evening, and he didn't particularly like that solid oak hand made buro given to him by his Great Grandfather as a wedding present they were going to burn anyway.
Fritz Von Our man where it's at Man
NB. I didn'zt know Charlie Clarke smoked dope, God, there's hope for you guys & gals yet ! & Cheers 7up, that's probably why I couldn't emember it, innit ?
His cheeky chappy friend who confessed to being a charve (barbour jacket an all) stated that it's a tragedy that fox hunting is being killed off, cos they wear really good stuff, innit, and he's only there to buy some green coffee beans for his Gypsy friends and neighours presently occupying (sorry freeing) his garden of demons and pot plants, for roasting over an open fire tommorow evening, and he didn't particularly like that solid oak hand made buro given to him by his Great Grandfather as a wedding present they were going to burn anyway.
Fritz Von Our man where it's at Man
NB. I didn'zt know Charlie Clarke smoked dope, God, there's hope for you guys & gals yet ! & Cheers 7up, that's probably why I couldn't emember it, innit ?
More than 50 known registered terrorist suspects in the U.S. legally purchased various weapons last year, innit.
Fritz Von Osama has got no chance we kill plenty more with our own stuff, innit
Fritz Von Osama has got no chance we kill plenty more with our own stuff, innit
“There were rumours about this kind of thing happening when I was at
mortuary school in 1970,” detective Robert Turner told a press conference
outside Lake Jackson police station in Texas, “but this is the first time
I’ve ever come across anyone actually doing it. Taking alcohol in an enema
has just the same intoxicating effect as swallowing it, and Mrs Warner
poured at least two bottles of sherry straight into her husband’s bowel.
And we’re not talking about little bottles here either, these were 1.5
litre bottles of Thunderbird sherry, twice as strong as wine. It’s no
wonder he died.”
After being charged with negligent homicide and released on $30,000 bail,
Tammy Jean Warner defended her actions. “My husband Michael was an
alcoholic, and he also had problems with his throat. Some days he just
couldn’t swallow the alcohol, so he started taking wine enemas, and he
always asked me to help him with the funnel. Most days he’d just take one
bottle, but yesterday he asked me to pour a second one in, and a little
whiskey. And vodka, and some champagne perry too. And a tot of rum and
some cider. So I did. He seemed okay when I went to bed, but this morning
when I woke up, he was dead.”
Police later revealed that Michael Warner’s blood alcohol level at the
time of his death was 0.47%, six times the legal intoxication limit. If
found guilty, his wife faces a maximum of two years in prison. (Houston
Chronicle, 2/2/05. Spotter Brian Rowlands)
One of three Funny Old World stories in the current issue. More strange
tales every fortnight.
Please e-mail entries to fow@private-eye.co.uk (£10 paid for submissions
printed in the mag)
issue no. 1128
next issue due 31 March 2005
Fritz Von I hope it wasn't Malt whisky
mortuary school in 1970,” detective Robert Turner told a press conference
outside Lake Jackson police station in Texas, “but this is the first time
I’ve ever come across anyone actually doing it. Taking alcohol in an enema
has just the same intoxicating effect as swallowing it, and Mrs Warner
poured at least two bottles of sherry straight into her husband’s bowel.
And we’re not talking about little bottles here either, these were 1.5
litre bottles of Thunderbird sherry, twice as strong as wine. It’s no
wonder he died.”
After being charged with negligent homicide and released on $30,000 bail,
Tammy Jean Warner defended her actions. “My husband Michael was an
alcoholic, and he also had problems with his throat. Some days he just
couldn’t swallow the alcohol, so he started taking wine enemas, and he
always asked me to help him with the funnel. Most days he’d just take one
bottle, but yesterday he asked me to pour a second one in, and a little
whiskey. And vodka, and some champagne perry too. And a tot of rum and
some cider. So I did. He seemed okay when I went to bed, but this morning
when I woke up, he was dead.”
Police later revealed that Michael Warner’s blood alcohol level at the
time of his death was 0.47%, six times the legal intoxication limit. If
found guilty, his wife faces a maximum of two years in prison. (Houston
Chronicle, 2/2/05. Spotter Brian Rowlands)
One of three Funny Old World stories in the current issue. More strange
tales every fortnight.
Please e-mail entries to fow@private-eye.co.uk (£10 paid for submissions
printed in the mag)
issue no. 1128
next issue due 31 March 2005
Fritz Von I hope it wasn't Malt whisky