Does anyone know a good solicitor to sort out my ex?

Posted by: mathew farley on 18 September 2004

About six and a half years ago i met a girl, she came from a rough family, drank a lot, smoked like a chimney, but she was quite pretty so i thought, "what the hell" and went out with her.

I was with this girl for four and a half years, in those years she'd hit me on a few occasions, threatened to get me beat up, hit her own mum and she had fights with people at the local pub. Obviously it did'nt start out like that but became worse every year.

HERE'S A FEW EXAMPLES OF HER BEHAVIOR....

She had two young girls when i met her, the social services where called out on a number of occasions, she used to shout at them all the time, hit them regularly and mentally torture them.

She kicked one of her girls in the face and told her to tell her teachers that a boy threw a brick at her.

She bought the girls mobile phones for a birthday or xmas presents and took them off her after a couple of weeks because she lost or broke her own mobile phone.

She eats sweets in front of the girls and wont let them have any, she licks her lips and says "Yum Yum" to try and piss them off.

Every year it's tradition for them to have a family fight at xmas, the kids are hysterical whilst the family members hit each other, the police are often called out on xmas day.

I was'nt allowed to go to bed until she said i could.

I used to spend most of my time staring at the ground because she regularly accused me of looking at other girls.

She has three brothers that are in prison more than they are out, they are violent like her, thick as shit and spend most of their time taking drugs and doing burglary's.

HOW I GOT AWAY...

About two years ago i bought a house without her knowing and left her (I was living with my parents), i phoned her to tell her it was over. I received a few threatening phone calls and texts so i changed my number and that was that.


THE PROBLEM...

We have a four year old boy. i did'nt see him for about six months, although i missed him very much. I now see him ever other weekend but i'm not allowed to take him to my girlfriends or my mums. I pay her £30 a week and the Child Support Agency (CSA) don't know about me. (She told them she does'nt know who the father is)

When i pick him up i have to run erons for her, she asks me to go to the shop for her, Mc Donald's or give her and her friends a lift into town , if i refuse she goes mad, screams and shouts and tells me i can't see my boy.

She now knows where i live and just recently where my girlfriend lives.


LAST NIGHT...

I pick my boy up on a friday night. I have an active job and when i get home in the evening i quite often have a couple of hours sleep before going to pick him up. Last night i slept through my alarm but was woken by my girlfriend (about 1am) to tell me my ex had walked into her house, drunk and with a couple of friends (One of these friends has been on tv because of her antisocial behavior). when they found i was'nt there, they walked off shouting "slag/slut" ect (my ex is 30 years old, by the way) they came back about 15 mins later trying the door handles and kicking the doors.

Just to clarify, my ex does'nt know my current girlfriend and i met her a couple of months after we split up.

NOW WHAT?

Violence will not work with these people unless you are absolutely crazy. Moving is very difficult because of house prices, my house is a one bed and not worth much, hers is a 3 bed council house (she's got three kids) plus moving takes time.

My girlfriend does'nt want to go to the police because she's worried it will make things worse, she's suffered quite badly with her nerves in the past (been on pills ect)

This is a very personal subject but i feel like i don't know which way to turn.

Sorry for the long post but this is the really short version, i hav'nt time to correct spelling mistakes or bad phrasing because the ex could turn up at my door any minute and at best, give me writers block, at worst petrol bomb my house.
Posted on: 18 September 2004 by Roy T
Mathew,
You do not have to suffer this all on your own, may I suggest that you follow the sage advice from Patrick
quote:
This probably also means involving other parties like the police or social services, as independent evidence will ultimately help your case.

and get the local authority to assist you as after all you are talking about care of children plus you very real fears for you own safety.

It is often very hard to firstly admit that you may need external help and secondly it may be equally hard to go and seek that help. Remember this may happen to you once in your life but I'm sure the local authorities have seen this a hundred times before so let then help, they know what to do.

Mathew, the authorites do take this sort of problem seriously, they should help, they may even have a duty to help.
Posted on: 18 September 2004 by Berlin Fritz
A terrible Catch 22 Situation, personally I suspect I'd just move far far away, and wait until the child wanted to see me, if ever ? the point of being not named as father (though may change through spite later on her & her families part/financial too) I would take as a small advantage (or own up, and pay from an unknown distance through a Lawyer, as I know some friends now do and have done so for a long period of time).
Good Luck, and it's nice to know you have a new partner, make sure she's not ALLOWED TO BE TAKEWN FROM YOU AS WELL BY ALL THE FUSS; IN OTHER WORDS; SET YOU REALISTIC PRORITIES NOW MATEY !!!

Graham George Of Nofixedqualification Eek

P.s. I read your post after my last sent, if anybody was wondering, which I doubt ? I'll cover my motives al the same, innit.
Posted on: 18 September 2004 by Richard AV
I don't have any advice I'm afraid but I just wanted to send you good wishes, as that sounds like a really s**t situation and I hope that you manage to get things sorted out.
Posted on: 20 September 2004 by NB
Mathew,

Your situation is not too dissimilar to a situation I found myself in a few years ago.

To cut a long story short I met my partner six months after she split form her ex. There were two young boys involved. It was nasty and we lived under the threat of violence for a long time.

We sorted it out using a good firm of Solicitor and the help of the police. So I strongly recommend that you consult a good Solicitor, talk to the police, Social Services etc. There are children involved and they will sort it quickly.

It was tough and both me and my partner stuck at it. Things a re only just starting to settle down but our relationship survived because of the strength between us and our determination to see it through.

I wish you all the best as I know it can be tough, if you want to talk privately please don't hesitate to contact me on nigelball.nb@virgin.net, you have already taken the first step by talking about it and seeking help.



Regards


NB
Posted on: 20 September 2004 by Rasher
I have no advice to give, but just want to send my good wishes. Do you have plans to take charge of your son? It sounds as if you could possibly prove your ex to be unfit - but you would probably have to move far away with him and uphold visiting rights - although by the sound of her she might lose interest anyway. I hope it somehow works out for you and the children.
Posted on: 20 September 2004 by Fisbey
I had a few problems with an ex trying to get money out of me a few years ago when she (voluntarily) moved out - she'd already signed the house over to me (we had a joint mortgage), but got quite 'heavy' - a letter from a solicitor did the trick.

Not quite as nasty/complex as your situation, but I think a solicitors advice may help.

May I also second everyone elses good wishes to you as well.
Posted on: 23 September 2004 by mathew farley
Hi everyone,

I saw a solicitor today and things don't look good.
Full custody would be near impossible because i don't have any hard evidence to back up my claims.
She feeds the kids, they hav'nt had any bad injuries from beatings and if they have,i don't have any proof.
She does'nt leave them on their own and it seems that mental abuse does'nt count for much either.


Although i can get access legaly, i would still have to meet her to pick him up. I was hoping that this could be done through a third party but i was told she could refuse this.

I love my boy dearly but i feel i may have to move away and start again with my current girlfiend because i think it would drive me insane if i have to keep in contact with my ex.

The girl that entered my girlfriends house with my ex has an ASBO and has recently been taged. We were told by the council that she is very violent and very persistent with a large nasty family. My girlfriend was in tears at the council offices. They are going to help her move to a new area but this could take a while.
We are both staying at my mums at the moment but we need more room for the kids so I'm going to rent a place and sell or rent out my house.

Thanks for all the support, hopefully things will improve in time....

Cheers
Matt
Posted on: 23 September 2004 by JonR
Matt,

Thanks for the update. Sounds like you're between a rock and a hard place, and it does seem from what your solicitor has advised that your ex- holds all the aces here.

I can't possibly empathise with your situation but it seems to me that probably the best thing you can do now is go through with your own suggestion to start again with your new partner.

Anyway, whatever. I'm sure I speak for many here when I say my thoughts are with you.

Good luck.

Regards,

JonR
Posted on: 23 September 2004 by ErikL
I would reconsider, if moving away means the boy you dearly love never has the opportunity to escape what's probably a terrible household and to see his father. Sorry if it's not the answer you wanted, but if I was your 4-year-old boy I would never, ever forgive you for giving up on me.

All I'm saying is there's a little guy's feelings in the equation too.

Good luck.
Posted on: 23 September 2004 by JonR
Ludwig,

Your contention IMO illustrates my suggestion that Matt is between a rock and a hard place. Does he persist in trying to seek access to his son, and in doing so risk the welfare of himself and his current girlfriend?

Whatever his decision I have no doubt it will be a painful one and I do not envy his situation at all.

Regards,

JonR
Posted on: 23 September 2004 by ErikL
I don't envy his situation either, but in such cases it's my belief that the child always comes first and that it's no time to be selfish.

It's also my belief that any decent father would go more insane from never seeing his son again than from dealing with a psychobitch.

Girlfriends, they come and go.

If this sounds abrasive, it's not my intention.
Posted on: 23 September 2004 by JonR
Ludwig,

Unfortunately, it appears that Matt's ex- is, it seems, a psychobitch, or knows at least one other person who might fit that description. Had they not been, then I would not imagine he would now be facing the dilemma in which he finds himself.

Regards,

JonR
Posted on: 23 September 2004 by mathew farley
Hi Jon,

Thanks for the support and for understanding my situation.

Hi Ludwig,

My mother feels the same as you but i don't honestly think it would benefit my boy because i think i'd end up in prison for doing something i'd regret, or i'd end up mentaly ill.

Obviously there is a lot more to this than i can put into words but i can honestly say i've never hated anyone in my life as much as my ex.

S**t...late for work...!
Posted on: 24 September 2004 by domfjbrown
Right - I'm not the best person to talk to kids about...

BUT, here's my advice. Go to the CAB and see if you can't get your boy off of this psychotic child tormentor. If all that you say about her is true, she's not fit to be a mother, let alone 3 times over. There must be a way you can have SOLE CUSTODY of your own son, surely? Or am I expecting too much (let's face it, women, no matter how low, always seem to come out on top in these things).

On top of that, is house ownership REALLY that important? This is yours, your girlfriend's, and your son's lives here. I'd sell your house, ditch the profits into an ISA or bond or something, move FAR away (as has been said), RENT a property for a while, and wait for the house price crash. Now that first time buyers aren't biting any more, it's only a matter of time.

I really do feel sorry for you - my friends used to have to deal with a neighbour from hell (they "accidentally" bought an ex-council house) and it's not pleasant. Another friend was involved with the male equivalent of your ex for a few years, and had 2 kids from him. She got away eventually, but he was one of the most notorious psychos from one of the worst families in a certain Devon town with a beach near Exeter (can't think where that would be!).

Good luck and keep us posted.

Oh crap - just saw the bit about "not telling the CSA" - urm, I guess the CAB are still impartial and wouldn't "grass you up" to the CSA if you ask for a plan of action? I suppose you could phone the CSA and then get a DNA check to prove your paternity, then "do her over" for paternal rights?

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