Capitalism

Posted by: cunningplan on 12 March 2005

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell the herd and retire on the income.


ENRON CAPITALISM:
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly
owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows,with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new President of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public buys your bull.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create irritating cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them world-wide at a fantastic profit.


A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


AN ENGLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.



A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.


A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The younger one is rather attractive


A MICK PARRY CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of whisky.
Winker

Regards
Clive
Posted on: 12 March 2005 by Deane F
AN ENGLISH HIFI MANUFACTURER CORPORATION

You start with two small cows who moo in an especially exciting way.
People start to like the minimal aesthetic of the cows.
You do nothing for years until,
A rumour starts that a special "bull" is imminently available.
No sign of the bull but middle-class high-earning men say the "bull" will be a world beater.
You get rich from selling the waste products of the "bull".

Winker
Posted on: 12 March 2005 by Gianluigi Mazzorana
quote:

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.


heheheheheheheheehheeheh
Posted on: 12 March 2005 by 7V
quote:
Originally posted by cunningplan:
AN ENGLISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

That made me laugh out loud. Excellent stuff. Thanks, Clive.

Regards
Steve M
Posted on: 12 March 2005 by long-time-dead
A SCOTTISH PUB
There are two cows.
You've shagged both of them so you go home.
Posted on: 12 March 2005 by Deane F
A SCOTCH COW

There is just one cow - but it lays eggs?
Posted on: 12 March 2005 by Jez Quigley
The NHS

You have 50,000,000 of the most efficient cows in the world. 2 of them produce sour milk. The Daily Mail and the Tories says it's an outrage and calls for the NHS to be sold to their pals.
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by long-time-dead
THE NORWICH COW
"Let's be having moo !"
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by 7V
quote:
Originally posted by Jez Quigley:
The NHS

You have 50,000,000 of the most efficient cows in the world.

The world's cows have moved on a bit since the '50s. Clearly the English cows have been over indulging in the hallucinogenics. No wonder they're mad.

Regards
Steve M
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by Nime
Sir M Thatcher and English cows are the first recorded cross-species infection by a dangerous virus. (Apparently it has since jumped species again: To women)

Nime
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by Berlin Fritz
Though Russian Cows will soon alas not be allowed to drink British Milk.



Fritz Von It's yer TB testin innit Big Grin
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by 7V
Those thinking of making overly 'cowist' remarks should be careful. They bare grudges - according to the latest research:

The secret life of moody cows

Regards
Steve M
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by Deane F
I come across a lot of interesting links reading posts on the Padded Cell.

Sometimes I wonder just how the intrepid forum members find these links.

Then I just think, "ahh, who cares?".

Then I follow a link and read, "Cows look calm, but really they are gay nymphomaniacs", and I start to wonder again...

Cool
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by HTK
ROTF Clive!

That's good.
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by 7V
quote:
Originally posted by Deane F:
...Then I follow a link and read, "Cows look calm, but really they are gay nymphomaniacs"

Yes, that was John Webster, professor of animal husbandry at Bristol. Believe me, he'd better drink his coffee black from now on, what with cows bearing grudges and all.

Mind you, I believe that other (non-cow) animals are lobbying on his behalf following his “People have assumed that intelligence is linked to the ability to suffer and that because animals have smaller brains they suffer less than humans. That is a pathetic piece of logic.” remarks.

And that's true isn't it? Although when the brain and nervous system get small enough (think ant here) one wonders how much room there is for 'suffering' in any meaningful sense.

BTW, Deane, the two non-electronic publications that we read in our house are The Week and Radio Times. I found the cow stuff in The Week and then Googled it for the online link. More sad than intrepid, I would have thought.

Regards
Steve M
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by AndyFelin
quote:
Originally posted by cunningplan:
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The younger one is rather attractive



I object to this slur...but fair dues, I don't like the look of yours.
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by cunningplan
quote:
quote:
Originally posted by cunningplan:
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The younger one is rather attractive



I object to this slur...but fair dues, I don't like the look of yours.


Andy
Don't worry too much I'm a Welsh and it's nice to find other animals attractive besides SHEEP!

Regards
Clive
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by Berlin Fritz
Cow Gum used to stink horribbillis innit.



Fritz Von Bowine News Smile
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by JBoulder
A FINNISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You get a million euro loan to build them a super modern cow-house and milk the EU for support since it's bloody cold outside. Then you get your neighbour drunk and insult him so he goes and burns down the cow-house. You get the insurance money and buy Nokia shares and a nice little condo in Spain.
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by Jez Quigley
quote:
The world's cows have moved on a bit since the '50s. Clearly the English cows have been over indulging in the hallucinogenics. No wonder they're mad


Maybe I have as well, cos I don't understand the reference to the '50s.
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by Berlin Fritz
Ermintrude was Dylan's dealer !


Fritz Von Boing Eek
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by 7V
quote:
Originally posted by Jez Quigley:
Maybe I have as well, cos I don't understand the reference to the '50s.

The '50s was when the NHS really was the best health system on the planet.
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by Berlin Fritz
quote:
Originally posted by 7V:
quote:
Originally posted by Jez Quigley:
Maybe I have as well, cos I don't understand the reference to the '50s.

The '50s was when the NHS really was the best health system on the planet.


Sweeping statement Nicht War ? Smile
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by 7V
quote:
Originally posted by Berlin Fritz:
Sweeping statement Nicht War ? Smile

Near as damn it. My point really was that it sure as hell ain't now.
Posted on: 13 March 2005 by Jez Quigley
quote:
My point really was that it sure as hell ain't now


Is this based on your own recent experience, some evidence perhaps? Or just your perception gained from the constant attacks by the Daily Mail et al who would like to see health care owned by their business associates?

There is much about the NHS I would like to improve, but it still an amazing service.
Posted on: 14 March 2005 by 7V
quote:
Originally posted by Jez Quigley:
Is this based on your own recent experience, some evidence perhaps? Or just your perception gained from the constant attacks by the Daily Mail et al who would like to see health care owned by their business associates?

My views are based largely on my own experience over the last five years whilst ferrying my parents to and from a number of doctors, hospitals, etc.

I have also had the opportunity to compare the system with the French system (we lived in France during my wife's pregnancy), the German system (my wife is German and we go there often) and the US system (my parents lived there for a number of years). Of these, the UK NHS comes a very poor third, in my experience.

I don't read the Daily Mail.

Regards
Steve M