What is the worst song ever?

Posted by: woodface on 13 November 2001

My vote goes to the amazingly banal 'Heart' with 'All I wanna do is make love to you'. Heard it on the radio today and was reminded just how bad ,lyrically, a song can be. 'He brought the woman out of me, many times, easily' is just one of the many lowlights!
Posted on: 15 November 2001 by Pete
... about O Superman. At least what I remember of it. Meep Meep Meep Meep for a few minutes and some processed chatter. Either way over my head or way under my feet, but it didn't do anything for me.

Howzabout The Archies and "Sugar Sugar", a banal lyric to make most banal lyrics look like Shakespeare?

But whatever the worst record ever made is, I'm quite sure Micheal Bolton had a hand in it. And/or Mariah Carey. That awful thing with Boyz II Men brought overcooking turgid poop to new lows.

Dishonourable mention for "Metal Machine Music".

Pete.

Posted on: 15 November 2001 by woodface
I think the novelty records are too easy a target but things like Lady in Red, well the makers should be strung up! The fact that no one has agreed with me on the Heart record means that a few of you must either own or like this record?
Posted on: 15 November 2001 by JRHardee
Save room on the list for Rod Stewart's "Tonight's The Night"--picture this cadaverous lech telling some jailbait to "let your inhibitions run wild". mad
Posted on: 15 November 2001 by nodrog
Has to be, in the great tradition of actors believing they can also sing, 'MacArthur Park' by Richard Harris. Here's a link to avoid: 1968 Song Lyrics
Posted on: 15 November 2001 by Pete
The Heart record you singled out was indeed leaden formulaic tosh, but there's more to being truly dreadful beyond belief than "merely" being leaden formulaic tosh.

They can also be forgiven a lot for the likes of Dreamboat Annie, which is a great rock LP.

Another dishonourable mention would be a lot of the charity records in the wake of Band Aid, generally a group of celebs butchering a previously popular record in the name of a good cause. And looking very sincere on the video. "We Are The World" a particular nadir with its patronising lyrics sung in a "we care a lot" manner ("We Care A Lot" being a rather amusing pastiche of the whole genre, of course). And on the subject of patronising over-sincere lyrics, Michael Jackson's "Earth Song" deserves a mention. Hats off to Jarvis!

Pete.

Posted on: 15 November 2001 by Tony L
Worst songs…

Anything involving any of the following: Mick Hucknall, Marty Pellow, Celine Dion, Whitney Houston (except obviously Whitney joins the JAMMS!), Robbie Williams, Cher, boy / girl bands, jazz fusion, bagpipes. Were one to combine two or more of these "factors" on a song I am convinced the hellmouth would open (which would be rather cool assuming it opened under them).

Tony

Posted on: 15 November 2001 by Mike Hanson
quote:
Don't get involved in any poker games.

No worries here! I'm not a gambling man; I find the whole endeavour rather dull and pointless. I would much rather be listening to or playing music. smile

-=> Mike Hanson <=-

Posted on: 15 November 2001 by John C
Tony where's your spirit of adventure. Check out Rufus Harley, king of the jazz bagpipes.

http://www.aaen.com/rufus-harley/

John.C

Posted on: 15 November 2001 by Jez Quigley
I love bagpipes too, get yoursel' to the western highlands of Scotland and listen to a full band playing in the open air. Brings a lump to yer throat, a tear to the eye, and makes the hairs on your neck stand up.

Must go now to see how close the briks come to reproducing that sound - nothing has so far.

Posted on: 15 November 2001 by woodface
I knew there would be a Heart fan out there. What distresses me most about this particular record is that you can tell that the singer thinks the lyrics are really deep and meaningful. Urggh!!
Posted on: 15 November 2001 by Steve Shochet
The most wretched, pretentious song ever penned ...
I've never been to me (Charlene)

"I've been undressed by kings and I've seen some things that woman ain't supposed to see…
I've been to paradise,
But I've never been to me…."

Blech

Posted on: 15 November 2001 by JohnS
Even before seeing the opening scene in "Priscilla, Queen of the Desert" with the "I've Never Been To Me" drag piece, I always believed that this is an unintentionally great comedy track.

My friend Jen, upon hearing "..and I've seen some things, that a woman just ain't s'posed to see", said "What are those things? What are those things that a woman just ain't s'posed to see?". For the life of us, neither of us could think what they might be. Any suggestions? Stallion?

-John

Posted on: 16 November 2001 by Pete
quote:
Originally posted by woodface:
I knew there would be a Heart fan out there. What distresses me most about this particular record is that you can tell that the singer thinks the lyrics are really deep and meaningful.

I wouldn't call myself a fan: just have Dreamboat Annie that I picked up 2nd hand 'cause it had "Crazy On You" on it which I liked. Rest of the album's good too.

"Thinks the lyrics are really deep and meaningul"? Cynic that I am, I'd say Ms. Wilson thought they'd make a shedload of cash. Which is pretty meaningful in its way, I suppose... Compare and contrast "Magic Man" for a rather better shot at a not entirely dissimilar theme.

Pete.

Posted on: 16 November 2001 by David Stewart
Two Little Boys - Rolf Harris
Merry Xmas Everybody - Slade

and anything by Celine Dion or Charlotte Church!!
I wonder - who does buy Celine Dion's stuff?? will anybody on this forum own up to it??

David

Posted on: 16 November 2001 by Steve Catterall
Pete

If you like 'Dreamboat Annie', you should try listening to the 'Little Queen' ... much the same sort blend of Zep style rockers with folk influences, but a little better IMO.

Posted on: 22 November 2001 by Shayman
Lots of people may disagree with me but for utter utter rubbish you can't beat 'I Believe I Can Fly' sung by R Kelly. The inscesant 'dramatic' key modulations and piss poor flow of lyric has never ceased to amaze me.

Jonathan

PS Oh and that one about 'You can reach me by .....this that and the other' that became the Gulf War anthem here in the UK was pretty bad too. Cant remember who sang it.

Posted on: 22 November 2001 by Bosh
"I believe I can fly" - was that the song that Keith and Orville did? That was a classic wink
Posted on: 30 November 2001 by Keith Mattox
But by far the worst ever put out there was released in the States around 1974: "Afternoon Delight" by The Starland Vocal Band. I would hope that it never made it across the Atlantic.

Cheers

Keith.

PS - how can some hate Amazing Grace? My goodness...

Posted on: 03 December 2001 by matthewr
And as wonderful Tanya Headon points out in her fantastic weblog I Hate Music, David Letterman owes his start on TV to The Starland Vocal Band.

However, it has recently come to my attention that the man responsible for the very worst music ever is one Leo Boyle.

I've not heard his music but this picture:

has me convinced.

Matthew

Posted on: 03 December 2001 by John C
I'd recognise those ears anywhere.

John.

Posted on: 03 December 2001 by matthewr
John,

You know you might be right -- that would make this photograph an early Vuksanovic from the period where Vuk had yet to persuade any women to act out his weird FemDom/S&M fantasties and so practised on his college roomates instead. Poor Joe was probably just given a couple of Kraft TV Dinners in return for this humuliation and you do wonder how it may have affected him long term.

Matthew

Posted on: 03 December 2001 by John C
"and you do wonder how it may have affected him long term"

And we've all seen Deliverance.

John

Posted on: 04 December 2001 by Joe Petrik
John,

As you can clearly see in this attachment, moving to Kentucky has had no effect on me.

Oh, and my contibution to the worst songs ever...

* Cher's "I believe" -- a song which tipped off Buffy that her roommate, Cathy, was a demon, since Cathy played it over and over (something that no mortal could endure apart from Mike H.'s wife... hmmm)

* Styx's "Mr. Roboto" -- a song so bad that it led one reviewer to proclaim, if there previously had been any doubt, that Styx Stynx)

* Billy Ray's "Achy breaky heart" -- country + mullet... nuff said

Joe

Posted on: 04 December 2001 by Duncan Fullerton
quote:
But by far the worst ever put out there was released in the States around 1974: "Afternoon Delight" by The Starland Vocal Band. I would hope that it never made it across the Atlantic.

How dare you defile my memories, Sir! This I remember. It brings back happy memories of really hot summer school holidays.

AFAIR it did quite well over here, but I'd need some of the *really* old Forum Farts to confirm this. My memory's not quite what it used to be ...

Posted on: 04 December 2001 by P
I never could figure out what that song was supposed to be about.

I mean I was around 16 at the time and all I could think of was SEX! If wasn't about that then just well what the hell was it about?

Certainly not about scoffing a bowl of Birds Angel Delight I reckon.

Hmmmmmmmm

Instant Whip anyone?

P.

[This message was edited by P on TUESDAY 04 December 2001 at 22:56.]