boring ?

Yes, Arye, keep it up mate!

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

Bernard

Once there were a chicken and a horse playing together in a barnyard. Suddenly the horse fell into a mud-pit! He yelled out to the chicken: "HELP, HELP!!! Go get the farmer, save me, save me!!!" The chicken went looking for
the farmer but couldn't find him. So he got the farmer's BMW and drove it over to the mud-pit, lassoed the horse, tied it to the car and pulled him out. The horse said "Thank you! Thank you! You saved my life, chicken..."

A couple of days later they were playing there again. But this time the chicken fell into the mud-pit and called out to the horse: "Help me, help me!!!! Go get the farmer!!!" But the horse said: "There's no time!!! But I think I can reach you, hold on!" The horse stretched it's 4 legs across the mud-pit and yelled at the chicken: "Grab onto my dick!!!!!" The chicken
grabbed on, the horse stretched back and saved the chickens life.

So!!!!! What's the moral of the story?......
If you have a dick the size of a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Regards!

Bas

used to walk by foot every day. Once, while walking, a beautiful young woman was walking across. As one of the two stopped to breath because of her beauty, his friend said "I want to lie with this woman again".
With the little air that still in his lungs the one asked - "Are you telling me that you already lied with this beautiful woman "? No, the other answered, but I already WANTED to lie with her before...

Arye

Bernard

- consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

- consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.

-consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

-consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

- consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

- consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

- consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

- consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

- consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

- consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

- consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

- Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".

- Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

Regards

Chris

...lying on the beach, the sun was shining, the waves were lapping on the shore, and seagulls were wheeling overhead. One turns to the other and says:" What would you do if a bird shit on your head?"

The other guy thinks for a minute and replies: "Well, I din't think I'd go out with her again."

cheers

Nigel

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." ,said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

...was once driving through the Nevada desert. The road was dead straight and shimmery, and the penguin was content. Suddenly, the oil warning light came on on the dashboard. "Shit", said the penquin, "better find somewhere to pull in and get this fixed".

As luck would have it, just over the next rise was a small settlement, with a mechanic's shop and an ice cream parlour. The penquin pulled in to the mechanic's shop, and when asked what the problem was, explained about the oil warning light. "Leave it with me about an hour" said the mechanic.

The penguin was very fond of ice cream, so he went off to the ice cream parlour, and bought a very big bucket of finest vanilla. He sat down and started on it with enthusiasm. It just tasted better and better the more he ate, and he really made a mess, getting his beak and his flippers covered in it. When he'd finished it, he walked back to the mechanic to check on progress.

"Looks like you've blown a seal" said the mechanic.

"No, not at all" said the penguin, "I've just been eating ice cream".

(Thanks, Clive)

Mum and Dad,both being active gardeners had been teaching their young offspring about flowers,plants and pruning back the roses before winter.

Being Naturalists,there activities were (naturally),done with no clothes on.

Dad was happily sunning himself on a sunbed.

Youngster decides to try it's hand at pruning,and is busily pruning away to it's heart's content when suddenly there is a hell of a commotion to which the mother comes flying out of the house to see the dad bent double in agony !

"Look what you've done !","You've ruined your father!!!"

to which,the child replies,"Don't worry mummy", "It will be alright","I've left the bulbs in !"

Regards

Chris

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to
look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy".

"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to
float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".

Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and
said: "Mummy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!

"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

Andrew Randle
2B || !2B;
4 ^ = ?;

And I have no idea why it was sent to me either!

-----------------------------------------------

A new two-year degree is being offered at the local Community College that many men should be interested in: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an MA (Male Arts) degree. Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

MEN 101 PMS: Learning When to Keep Your Mouth Shut

MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework

MEN 103 Combating Stupidity

MEN 104 She Does Not Want Sleazy Underthings for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques

MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 a.m.

MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception

EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook I

EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II

ECON 101A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong

MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence

MEN 122 YOU: the Weaker Sex

ECON 101B What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It

SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If "It" is Awake, Take a Shower

SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex

MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Electives

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency

MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children

MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver

MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise

MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important I

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting #%&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail only)

MEN 221 Why Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary

MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions

MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay

MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important II

Course Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu

EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils

EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly

MEN 231 Mothers-in-law

MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening

MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"

ECON 101C Cheaper to Keep Her

For the budding composers out there...

http://www.hecklers.com/bsg/index.php3

Sheepcull.co.uk

Steve

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"

Regards

Chris

Unfortunately, probably best appreciated by those of us on the Left side of the Atlantic...

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

REMORSE
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

BLAZE
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again

EXUBERANCE
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

DESIRE
Damn, in that tube-top
You make me almost forget
That you are my cousin

OFFERINGS
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Robert Tilton

DRAMA
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazard Marathon
At 9 O'clock

DEPRIVED
In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass

IMPOUNDED
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

GATHERING
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

PRIDE
Grinning, he displays
The nine hundred beer cans
Filling pickup bed

[This message was edited by Keith Mattox on MONDAY 02 April 2001 at 21:16.]

Keith

After listenin to the Dan for almost 30 years (30 f.....g years!!! - ouch!!) and having been subjected to more American TV series than I care to admit to I think I can honestly say that I think I know what you mean!

We're not all xenophobic narrow minded ignorant assholes over here y'know.

I could forgive you for thinking otherwise though.

I like this thread.

P.

BTW, Cheers to the person that posted the Dilbert cartoons.

quote:

---

Did you write them?

---

I wish I could lay claim, but they were sent to me down the humor pipeline.

quote:

---

Who is Robert Tilton - a TV evangelist, perhaps?

---

I believe that's the case - I haven't checked to be honest, but the name rings a bell.

quote:

---

We're not all xenophobic narrow minded ignorant assholes over here y'know

---

I never said that; being American I'm used to hearing it in the other direction ('cept for the "asshole" part )

Non-rhetorical question - are rednecks strictly an American thing?

Some more haikus, these from a contest about three years ago. Apologies in advance for the excessive screen use:

Haiku Error Messages

W I N N E R S:

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

-- David Dixon

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Everything is gone;
Your life's work has been destroyed.
Squeeze trigger (yes/no)?

-- David Carlson

H O N O R A B L E __M E N T I O N S:

I'm sorry, there's -- um --
insufficient -- what's-it-called?
The term eludes me ...

-- Owen Mathews

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

-- Peter Rothman

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Seeing my great fault
Through darkening blue windows
I begin again

-- Chris Walsh

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The code was willing,
It considered your request,
But the chips were weak.

-- Barry L. Brumitt

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

-- Pat Davis

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

-- David J. Liszewski

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

-- Charlie Gibbs

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Server's poor response
Not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

-- Rik Jespersen

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

-- Suzie Wagner

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Login incorrect.
Only perfect spellers may
enter this system.

-- Jason Axley

- - - - - - - - - - - -

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd
have to delete you.

-- Charles Matthews

- - - - - - - - - - - -

wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault

-- Nick Sweeney

- - - - - - - - - - - -

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.

-- Mike Hagler

- - - - - - - - - - - -

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.

-- Simon Firth

- - - - - - - - - - - -

With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

-- Howard Korder

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

-- Bill Torcaso

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist

-- Joy Rothke

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down

-- David Ansel

- - - - - - - - - - - -

A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.

-- James Lopez

- - - - - - - - - - - -

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge

-- Rahul Sonnad

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that

-- Margaret Segall

- - - - - - - - - - - -

To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy

-- Brian M. Porter

- - - - - - - - - - - -

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

-- Cass Whittington

- - - - - - - - - - - -

No keyboard present
Hit F1 to continue
Zen engineering?

-- Jim Griffith

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Hal, open the file
Hal, open the damn file, Hal
open the, please Hal

-- Jennifer Jo Lane

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

-- Francis Heaney

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

-- Judy Birmingham

- - - - - - - - - - - -

The ten thousand things
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

-- Jason Willoughby

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Rather than a beep
Or a rude error message,
These words: "File not found."

-- Len Dvorkin

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

-- Ian Hughes

[This message was edited by Keith Mattox on MONDAY 02 April 2001 at 21:31.]

A Naim Forum Junior-Member is listening to his hi-fi one day and realizes it sounds like shit. So he posts his topic and gets many responses. First, taking Mr. Pig's advice, he gets Mana for everything. He then listens and realizes it still sounds like shit.
Then taking Mike Hanson's advice, he recaps his gear and gets his SNAPS dual-railed. He listens, but it still sounds like shit.
He takes Ron Toolsies advice and gets all black SNAICS. It actually sounds a little bit better but overall, sounds like shit.
He takes Ken's advise and goes active with two 250s instead of getting 135s. Result; sounds like shit.
Biting the bullet, he decides to get the "best" Naim system money can buy and quit fooling around. He gets a brand new 52/SC/SNAXO/3-500s into DBLs. Result; SOUNDS LIKE SHIT.
At this point the new FRAIM is available and all forum members tell the now Senior Member it is the cats meow and he buys them. But it still sounds like shit.
At this point Vuk chimes in on the thread and says the problem is the forum member isn't listening to "real" music and advises on what good music is and tells the Member to throw out his entire record collection and buy anew. He does so but the system still sounds like shit.
Chris Koster posts that this is impossible and goes to the members house and dresses all cables, adjusts speaker positioning, etc. etc. Both sit down and listen and it still sounds like shit!!
At this point the member takes Mick Parry's advice and starts drinking whiskey to see if this helps. But while listening and realizing it still sounds like shit, his six-year-old son says to him, "Dad, why's there such a big dustball on the needle"?

Three girls are walking along the beach when they see a man with no arms and no legs sunbathing. Out of sympathy the first girl says "Have you ever been hugged?"
He replies "No", so she gives him a hug
The second girl says "Have you ever been kissed?"
Again he says "No", so she gives him a kiss.
The third girl then asks " Have you ever been f*****?"
"No" says the man, to which she replies " Well you are now, the tides coming in"

Ade

A man goes to a disco and starts chatting up a very attractive looking
Chinese girl. Anyway she appears to be all over him and soon she asks
him back to her place "for a coffee".
When they get to her flat she tells him to help himself to a drink while
she slips into something more comfortable ...
Just as he finishes getting his drink the sexy Chinese seductress
returns wearing only a see-through negligee, "I am your sex slave!" she says,
"I will do absolutely ANYTHING you want".
Well the man is taken a little bit by surprise and can't really
believe his luck so he says "I really fancy a 69".
"F*** Off", replies the girl, "I'm not cooking at this time of night".

EuroEnglish - New Regulations for the Future
English, since long centuries a global language, could soon get competion by the so-called EuroEnglish, which the Commission of the European Union recently decided to be the leading communication language within Europe. German however, the second choice, will disappear.
After negotiations with Her Majesty, the British Government voted for a few corrections to transform the old English into the future. A five-year plan was agreed on for the “EuroEnglish” (short: “EuroE”):
During the first year the “s” will be used instead of the soft “c”. Sertainly sivil servants will reseive this news with joy. Also the hard “c” replaced by “k”. Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be changed to “f”. This will make words like “fotograf” 20 % shorter.
In the third year, publik acseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also al wil agre that the horible mes of silent “e”s in the languag is disgrasful, and they will go.
By the fourth year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” by “z” and “w” by “v”.
During the fifz year, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou”’ and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultie and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finaly kum tru.
Well, we have been shocked a little bit that the British Government agreed to this five-year plan. But who are we to change World history?

Collected and transmitted
by Jorg Enners

Two angels just arrived in Heaven, and they were sitting next to each other, waiting for their trial.

The blonde one asked the one with the black curls: "What the h*** did you do to be here ?

"I got frozen to death", said he. "And you ?"

"I died from a heart attack following a happy moment".

The one with the black curls was astonished. "Well, you see", said the blonde angel, "once I had very strong presumptions that my wife betrayed me. So one day I left work a lot earlier than usual – when I arrived home, I searched the whole house, looking under the bed, in all cupboards, in the car boot, everywhere. No other man to be found anywhere – I was so happy that I got a heart attack ! Nice death, wasn't it ?"

The black-haired angel answered: "You complete idiot ! If you just had looked in the freezer, we'd both be still alive !!!

Bernard

a man takes his wife to a hifi shop so she could "approve" his NAC102 purchase. "there it is, darling", he says pointing at the unit in the reception area.

"but that one has only one row of buttons, why don't we buy that one with 2 rows of buttons, it looks a lot prettier with those green and red lights", protests the wife.

"whatever you say, darling, whatever you say...."

enjoy...

ken