Aunt Rasher's agony page

quote:

sometimes a problem shared is a...

...bloody nuisance.

Dear Auntie Rasher -

Fine photo, reveals a side of you of which I had no idea. I particularly admire your dress sense. White flock flowers on crimson Crimplene is all the rage.



I have been experiencing some difficulty pushing my banana into the socket. What can you suggest?

Frustrated of Tunbridge Wells.

I saw a girl in town with BIG tits would it be OK to tell her I like them?

BTW which thread should we look out for answers as Auntie Rasher seems to be giving advise in nearly every thread,unsolicited for the most part AFAICT.

quote:

I have been experiencing some difficulty pushing my banana into the socket. What can you suggest?

Frustrated of Tunbridge Wells.

Dear Frustrated

Thank you for your comments. I see you have a keen eye for fashion too!

I'm glad you've found a lovely girlfriend. You've now decided that you'd like to start changing your sexual preferences so that you can be closer with her. Here are some ways you might do that.

You might decide to seek help from the Beaumont Society, whose contact number is 01582-412220. This organisation is run by and for transvestites and transexuals and I'm sure you'll find them supportive. But there are other strategies too.

You have the option of telling your girlfriend about your cross-dressing, perhaps by bringing up the subject in a general way and checking out her reaction to see if she'll be OK with your personal revelation. If you choose to continue with your cross-dressing, isn't it only fair that you don't wall her out by keeping this secret? Doesn't she have a right to know what's happening in her own relationship? What if she's been blaming herself for your recent reluctance to make love with her? Is it fair? Some women do accept TV behaviour from their partners, and have a giggle sharing fashion tips. Most, though, do not. Relationships with secrets in them are uncomfortable all round, though, and are likely to run into problems in the future.

You may decide instead, as seems to be your preference, to realign your sexual responses. This is possible although it can take time. You can start by realising that sexual responses are partly decisional and partly habit. When you start to feel aroused, either you could continue to go with the cross-dressing, which keeps you where you are. Or you can accept your arousal and begin to introduce memories and mental images of your girlfriend so that over time you associate arousal more with her than with the cross-dressing. Enjoying the sensations of making love with her wearing sexy lingerie and stockings may be a half-way house, but I don't think any woman would like that to be the only pattern of lovemaking. Meantime, with your girlfriend, you can start to explore what touches and sensations turn you on. You don't have to tell her why a particular touch arouses you, even if it reminds you of your TV activities, but the more you train yourself to associate her with arousal, the quicker you'll establish the pattern you want.. You could also ask her if she'd like to try new approaches such as a massage with oils or a shared bath, so that you have plenty of strong, sexy activities to associate with her.

I don't know whether or not you'll take this route. It depends on what it is you like about your girlfriend and how you feel about your cross-dressing activities when you're not sexually active. Whichever route you choose I wish you a happy relationship, but whether that'll be with her or not only you and she can decide. Good luck.

quote:

I saw a girl in town with BIG tits would it be OK to tell her I like them?

Dear Howard
I can see that you think a lot of this girl but I invite you to consider what's really going on rather than what you'd like to happen.

This is a relationship where the other person isn't that bothered. She's certainly not willing to make an effort so you can see that if you do get together, it'll be with someone who always leaves you to make the running, who isn't interested in committing to you, and who doesn't want to be anything more than friends. You are already hurt about this, and I doubt you're feeling very confident right now either.

You say she is messing up your head. Actually, she's not. She's stated her position clearly both in words and in actions: not that fussed, don't mind a bit of casual sex now and then, don't want a committed boyfriend-girlfriend relationship with you. What's happening is that you're trying to read her signals as signs that she's going to fall for you in a big way. Thats not the message she's sending. It's what you want but it isn't happening. If you want to clear your thinking so you can decide what to do, you will need to start working on facts rather than wishful thinking. And one of the facts is that you're hurting in this relationship.

Sure she likes you but she probably likes apple pie and that's not the same as wanting to dedicate herself to it. Like and love mean different things to different people. The trick is to find someone who interprets them the same way you do.

It's worth talking to her, isn't it? You're not really running the risk of losing her because you've never honestly had her in the first place, or at least not in the way you wanted. But before you talk to her, how about working out what you actually want? Number one: mutual love. Not an option, it seems, so don't hold your breath. Number two: a casual friendship, perhaps involving sex now and then, but be aware that you wouldn't be dating exclusively or with any plans for a future together. When one of you (probably her) finds someone else, presumably that'll be the end of it, with (hopefully) no hard feelings. Number three: realise that you're unhappy, confused and frustrated when you're with her or thinking about what she does. Then you can decide you don't want to keep hurting, so you're not going to hang onto this relationship which only works in fantasy. Instead, when you're ready, you can move on and find someone who is emotionally available and who wants the same sort of relationship you do.

Now the choice is yours. I hope you choose to stop thinking about this woman, start building up your self-esteem and expand your social life so you can have plenty of fun and positive attention from people who you feel happy and comfortable around. But it's up to you. Good luck!

LOL

(and glad you've got enough time to do this rather than unpack cardboard boxes )

J

Dear Auntie Rasher
Won't the other members of your Lodge be perturbed by you publishing the Third Degree salute on the Internet?
Nice tongue, by the way.

quote:

Originally posted by Chris Kelly:
Dear Auntie Rasher
Won't the other members of your Lodge be perturbed by you publishing the Third Degree salute on the Internet?
Nice tongue, by the way.

Dear Chris

Thank you for your kind comments. It is always good to remember brushing your tongue every day to keep your beath fresh,a nd I'm pleased that you have noticed.

Freemasons matter. You matter. Your feelings matter. Your feelings are affected by your core beliefs about yourself, beliefs which relate to old patterns of behaviour. You're as important as anybody else on the planet, and you're entitled to good, nurturing friendships and love. You can learn how to let people gradually earn your trust. You have skills and good qualities. You're intelligent and resourceful. As you learn to value yourself and use your good qualities for your own best interests, you'll find a positive way forward. You can build the kind of life you want. You may also find some consolation in the Buddhist saying, "The deeper the s**t, the more beautiful the mushroom."

quote:

Originally posted by Chris Kelly:
Dear Auntie Rasher
Won't the other members of your Lodge be perturbed by you publishing the Third Degree salute on the Internet?
Nice tongue, by the way.

What you see Rasher performing in his photo is the secret greeting Of the Reptiles. According to David Icke both the Queen and President Bush are shape shifting reptiles and plan to take over the world. Is Rasher planning to take over the forum? Don't be fooled by the dotty old lady in crimplene image - Reptiles are 7 foot tall blood sucking aliens.

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Queen and President Bush are shape shifting reptiles and plan to take over the world.

See also TV series V now being repeated some where in Sky land(air).

Dear Auntie Rasher,

Can you help me? I am somewhat perturbed.

Many a time on this here forum I have read a great deal of, shall we say, meaningful and articulate circumlocution on the various topics which happen to be up for discussion on any given day.

However, one positor of such extensive polemic sees fit to, somewhat abruptly I feel, end his submissions without so much as a "kind regards", "yours sincerely, "all the best from..." etc. One would have thought that such "sign-off"s as they may be called are only in keeping with the presumed gentlemanly nature of this on-line and truly collegiate (if I may say so) discussion group.

A particular member who gives me, shall we say, ahem *<cough*> cause for concern in this regard, is one "Rasher" - you may or may not be related, I can't be certain - whose rather abrupt way of ending his otherwise erudite solicitations does, I sadly regret to say, give me palpitations!

Can you please, Auntie Rasher, help me in this regard? What sage advice can you offer such that I can satisfactorily minimise the ill-effects of such deeds?

Thanking you very kindly and in advance and looking forward to your thoughts.

Yours most sincerely and all the best,

Fredrik "Fiskey le Fish" Fiske

's second cousin twice removed.

Dear AuntieRash

Darleeling or Breakfast?, I really can't decide. Oh and while i'm on was Limp Bizkit named after the chemical reaction between a Rich Tea and a cup of Builder's producing the same effect I get when watching Judith Charmers in a swimsuit on Holiday 1988?

Thanks Oh AuntieRash in anticipation

Diccus

quote:

Originally posted by JonR:
Dear Auntie Rasher,

Can you help me? I am somewhat perturbed.

However, one positor of such extensive polemic sees fit to, somewhat abruptly I feel, end his submissions without so much as a "kind regards", "yours sincerely, "all the best from..." etc. One would have thought that such "sign-off"s as they may be called are only in keeping with the presumed gentlemanly nature of this on-line and truly collegiate (if I may say so) discussion group.

A particular member who gives me, shall we say, ahem *<cough*> cause for concern in this regard, is one "Rasher" - you may or may not be related, I can't be certain - whose rather abrupt way of ending his otherwise erudite solicitations does, I sadly regret to say, give me palpitations!

Dear Jonathan

I'm sorry you're feeling so perturbed right now. I'm glad you found it useful to put some of your feelings down on the screen. The person you should thank for that, though, is you! You're the one who took the time to sit down and write your question, and that's a first part of your learning curve right there: keeping a feelings journal could be just what you need. Every feeling has a communicative function. It's just a matter of learning how to communicate in ways that help you get more of what you want.

This isn't about you as a person. You're as valuable as anybody else on on the planet. It is, however, important for your own well-being that you learn to manage your feelings more appropriately. You say you're brutally honest. Isn't that another way of saying you criticise other people? Who gave you that right? You're not responsible for them any more than they're responsible for your thoughts, feelings and actions. I've met plenty of folks who say they call a spade a spade and then get hurt when others respond with anger or distance. If you go round hurting people, they won't like it, will they? Even if you dress your criticism up as "honesty", it's still just saying something unkind, isn't it? I repeat, it's not about you as a person. It's about things you do and the way you do them. That's something you can change ... so long as you value yourself enough to start doing things differently to get a more positive outcome.

If your anger is about an in-the-moment thing, then you could find that just working through some materials about emotional literacy will be enough. Frances Wilkes' Intelligent Emotion, Gael Lindenfield's Assert Yourself and Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends and Influence People could be just the kinds of books you need to solve your problems. If, though, your anger ties in to deeper issues going back to traumatic events of the past, then finding a therapist seems like your best bet. Ring round some of those listed in Yellow Pages to find one with whom you feel comfortable working, preferably one who will model an OK-OK relationship and be fully present during the counselling. A practitioner with either a Transactional Analysis or Cognitive Behavioural background could suit you best.

You aren't finished, Jonathan. You're still living and growing and changing. You are who you choose to become. How about becoming a person with good interpersonal skills, who treats yourself and others with equal respect?

Unpleasant though it may sound, I'm glad you've acknowledged feeling bad. It's information that tells you you're ready to make changes. Once you start making those positive changes, you won't need to feel bad any more, will you?

I wish you self-belief and a willingness to use the feedback you get in ways that will help you and others. Good luck.

quote:

Originally posted by Diccus62:
Dear AuntieRash

Darleeling or Breakfast?, I really can't decide. Oh and while i'm on was Limp Bizkit named after the chemical reaction between a Rich Tea and a cup of Builder's producing the same effect I get when watching Judith Charmers in a swimsuit on Holiday 1988?

Dear Diccus

Thank you for your letter. While I agree that the things you describe could point to an drinking disorder, they could also indicate other conditions so you need to see a doctor for a proper diagnosis. Many perfectly healthy teenagers dislike Judith Charmers (though thankfully people usually grow out of this), and unless your Limp Bizkits have gone from being regular over a year or so to irregular over several months they're not an accurate indication of your subconscious sexual desires towards Judith. You don't say how tall you are so I don't know whether you're actually undersized.

I do hope that you will seek the help you need, and that you will begin to support yourself once more. Good luck!

Dear Auntie Rasher,

When I was 10 I was told that in the near future my balls would drop, my voice would deepen and I would develop zits and bum fluff on my top lip. I am now 48 and I am still waiting. Can you help?

What should we do if our HiFi room is targeted by aliens from outer space?

quote:

Originally posted by acad tsunami:
Dear Auntie Rasher,

When I was 10 I was told that in the near future my balls would drop, my voice would deepen and I would develop zits and bum fluff on my top lip. I am now 48 and I am still waiting. Can you help?

Dear Acad

I do understand how lonely you can be when you've felt social inadequacy. But if loneliness is a curse, it's one we've wished on ourselves! Once you like yourself, other people will like you too, even if your balls haven't dropped or you have bumfluff on your lip! So how can you start being self-supportive instead?

I invite you to do two things. Firstly, listen to your thoughts about talking to new people. Do you catch yourself thinking critical things about yourself? For example, some people who've acted shy have discovered that their thoughts go something like, If I talk to this woman she'll reject me and I'll be on my own so I won't talk to her. And what's the consequence of that? They end up on their own! Do you sometimes have self-critical thoughts?

It helps to realise that most people feel a little self-conscious when meeting someone new, so if you concentrate on putting the other person at her ease she will feel valued and she'll know that you're a kind, considerate guy, even though you look inadequate! By the way, meeting someone is just a minute or two out of your life. A date is just an hour or two. A kiss is just a kiss. You don't need to put pressure on yourself by building it up into more! Why not just enjoy the moment? (Do carry some tissues with you though to begin with).

I wish you a wonderful social life, and pots of self-confidence! Good luck!

quote:

Originally posted by acad tsunami:
What should we do if our HiFi room is targeted by aliens from outer space?

Dear Acad

Thank you for your letter. I do understand how you feel. I'd like to reassure you that you are not alone in this. Over the years I've known a fair few teenagers who went through a stage of feeling this way but it is a stage. It does pass, and you can help it do so more quickly.

It helps to know that the scary things you hear about are news because they're different, unusual and outside most people's experience. Danger and violence are unusual in our part of the world. Most people live more or less in safety to a ripe old age, and it's the ones who don't who are newsworthy. Although you may know of someone who's had a bad experience, most people don't get abducted by aliens.

As a teenager you're learning more about the other side of life that children are generally shielded from, but that's because you're coming to an age where you can learn to deal with such things emotionally and practically. And it is a matter of learning, which is why children are protected until they can start dealing with all this. You're probably also a raging sea of new hormones in a changing body that you're still coming to terms with, and this can affect mood and confidence for a while.

So it does come down to following safety rules and developing confidence. Some people find that self-defence or judo lessons can help them feel more confident.

Please do discuss how you're feeling with other people because you're certainly not the only one. Your feelings matter and so does your wellbeing and happiness. You'll be fine, I'm sure. Good luck!

Dear Aunt Rasher



Caution: Please read our safety information before attempting any testing, maintenance or repairs.

In every home is a drain, waste & vent system, also called DWV. This drainage system is designed to carry away waste water while preventing the flow of sewer gases into your home. Some homes have a gray water system that has a drain line for sinks, showers, dishwasher and laundry and a separate black water line for toilets. The gray water can be used for irrigation and toilet flushes.

Water flows down hill. The whole DWV system is built on this principle and so most drain systems are gravity flow systems. Each drain in your home travels down to a larger branch drain. All the branch drains connect to a waste stack, a vertical pipe that carries water to the main drain or sewer line. A large pipe leaves your home and leads to the city sewer or your own septic system. All of this is downhill, all the way to the sewer or septic. In some cases, a home's sewer line will be below the level of the city sewer, or a basement bathroom is below the home's main sewer line and so pump equipment must be used to move the waste out to the main sewer or septic.

All fixtures and appliances have a trap. A trap keeps a few ounces of water at a low spot in the pipe to seal the drain. This plug of water prevents sewer gas from traveling through the pipes and into your home. An example of a trap is the "P-trap" found under a sink. The water runs through the drain and through the trap. The last few ounces remain behind in that trap. It fills the pipe and so prevents sewer gas from getting into your home. Toilets have there own trap built right into the fixture.

Along with all the drain and waste pipes, there is a system of vent pipes integrated into the drain system. These vent pipes allow sewer gas to be vented out above your home where it can quickly mix with the air and dissipate. The vents also serve the important function of preventing a vacuum or siphon from occurring. Because water traveling through the pipes would create a siphon effect, the water in the traps would be pulled along leaving the traps empty, allowing sewer gas to enter the home. Also, if a vacuum occurs, the draining water slows down much like how water gurgles out when poured from a bottle. This slower moving water results in the greater likelihood of clogging. A vent system is necessary for the proper operation of a drain and waste system. Each fixture must be properly vented and so a vent line branches off of the drain line, to either join up to the main vent or vents directly up through the roof.

The gravity system works well, unless something impedes the flow of draining water. Swiftly moving water carries waste away. However, if water cannot move swiftly, then the whole system starts to fail. First waste builds up, further slowing water flow until nothing is moving. The initial problem that results in this cascade effect may be simply inappropriate waste being sent down the drain. It can result from dips developing in the drain line as the result of earth settling. Deterioration of the drain pipes can result in rough surfaces that snag toilet paper, which builds up, eventually clogging the line. Tree roots grow through pipe fittings and also snag waste. Another problem is putting grease, sand, coffee grounds and other "coagulants" down the drain. While coagulants may not be a plumbing term, it conjures the image of exactly what is happening. Things like sand and grease tend to rest on the bottom of the pipe and aren't easily washed away. They just coagulate and build up over time.

The DWV system is really pretty simple. It has some important refinements and the system has to be put together well, with attention to details. However, it should not be intimidating to you because in the end, it is a bunch of pipes running downhil



What is your view ?


Sanch

Dear Sancho

At least you've been honest enough with yourself to know you have a problem!

So it's crunch time. How come you think you're so boring? Are you dissatisfied with your job or your prospects? Then what are you going to do about it? Take further training? Start applying for things that appeal to you more? Or keep pretending you're 007? If you don't have much in the way of interests, how about doing something different? Take up a sport such as canoeing at the local baths so you can then go white-water rafting? Arrange an outing to a paint-ball day, a go-kart track, hang-gliding or a theme park for you and your mates? And you could find something worthwhile you can do for your community whether it's clearing a canal-bank, shopping for the elderly, or litter-picking at a beauty spot, something meaningful that you can be proud of. Start trying to be interesting rather more often, and while not actually saying, "I'm boring," you could warn people that sometimes they have to allow for your co-efficient of dullness. You might also listen more and talk less.

Oh, and on the subject of girls, there are lots of girls you'll find that match perfectly with your dull character. Once you've done some casual dating and learned how to be yourself around women, you may - or may not - be ready to look for someone who does want a meaningful commitment (do carry some tissues with you to begin with).

Good luck, Sancho.

Dear Auntie Rasher,

My wife, who is a former supermodel and Michelin 3 star chef, was polishing my Ferrari Enzo the other day, when she said that she was wondering if I might consider moving my mistress out of the East Wing and into The Lodge at the other end of the park when her mother came to stay.

She also asked if she could be excused from joining my mistress and I in the Jacuzzi tonight for the usual after dinner entertainment, as her sister had been rushed to hospital and she would like to visit her after she had prepared and served our evening meal.

I was shocked and hurt and I would like to ask how you think I should deal with this unreasonable behaviour?

Regards

Mark

Dear Mark

One simple question really says it all: are you happy with this woman?

It probably doesn't surprise you that she's behaving as many abusers do, isolating their partner so she doesn't get any external feedback about the unpleasant behaviour.

Here's something you may at first find confrontational but it will give you one of the keys to unravelling your painful position. If you look at the pattern of interactions between you, you'll see you've been playing right into her hands. By doing what's she's doing, she gets just what she wants: someone who feels so dependent on her he'll move heaven and earth to try and give her what she wants.

But do nice girls play these kinds of games? No! Are you and your mistress happy and secure here? No!

Now to useful information. Firstly, there's good love and there's bad love. With good love you feel stable, valued, secure and cherished, and good love is reliably shown in word and deed. No doubt she was charming and reeled you in with attentiveness, but now you're hooked she's gone back to what she was before. A manipulator. Can you change her? Unlikely in the extreme.

Does this mean you've failed in some way? No. You've tried an experiment to see if you could find good love and happiness with this woman, and learned she's just not up to it. Now you can use that knowledge to help you and your mistress. After all, she needs to see you use that knowlege so she'll be able to use it in her turn. She needs to see you happy, well-loved and secure, all things this woman can't provide.

You could read Women Who Love Too Much (and the men who love them) by Robin Norwood, Barbara de Angelis' Are You The One For Me? and my own Make Love Work For You. All of these show ways of building up your self-esteem, picking good partners and building strong, mutually-supportive relationships. All relationships except the last one are just rehearsals, so it's not as if you've lost face. You've just had a learning experience.

I wish you happiness and good love. And that's for your mistress's sake as well as your own. Good luck.

Thanks Auntie.

I think I'll ask my other bit on the side in the West Wing, who is her best friend, to tell her to push off next time I let her out of the cupboard.

Mark

quote:

I think I'll ask my other bit on the side in the West Wing, who is her best friend, to tell her to push off next time I let her out of the cupboard.
Mark

Dear Mark

Probably a good idea to have some tissues handy at the time. Good luck!

quote:

Originally posted by Chillkram:
Dear Auntie Rasher,

My wife, who is a former supermodel and Michelin 3 star chef, was polishing my Ferrari Enzo the other day, when she said that she was wondering if I might consider moving my mistress out of the East Wing and into The Lodge at the other end of the park when her mother came to stay.

She also asked if she could be excused from joining my mistress and I in the Jacuzzi tonight for the usual after dinner entertainment, as her sister had been rushed to hospital and she would like to visit her after she had prepared and served our evening meal.

I was shocked and hurt and I would like to ask how you think I should deal with this unreasonable behaviour?

Regards

Mark

Mark,

You are a man after my own heart.

Acad