Aunt Rasher's agony page

Dear Acad

You are far from the only gay person who's drifted into a straight relationship and just stayed even though it's bound to be problematic and ultimately unfulfilling. No doubt, though, you've stayed not just because you care about her but because of your fears of upsetting all these other people. The question has to be asked: are you living your life only for other people, or for yourself as well? Mark may be after your heart, but are sure you are really after his? Good luck!

Dear Auntie Rasher,

I've had a total f*cker of a week. Life as a professional scapegoat is not all it's cracked up to be.

Suggestions?

Yours,
'A Million Miles Away'

Dear James

Get pissed.
Good luck!

Dear Rasher

Last night I left the landing lights on and now I can't get past the 747 parked outside my bedroom door. Any suggestions?

Regards and all that

Dear James

Thank you for your question. I was very sad to hear that you're feeling so low. I agree that the world can be tough for many people but other people's pain doesn't mean that yours isn't valid. After all, someone else might have a broken leg but if you cut your finger it still hurts you, doesn't it?

As you're feeling suicidal it's important to go and see your doctor. Depression is a state in which you feel no joy in the present, no enthusiasm and no optimism. Although you need a proper diagnosis by a qualified doctor it does sound as though you may be suffering from depression, as around one in four women and one in five men do at some point in their lives. Your doctor may be able to offer you medication so that you feel more able to make the most of your life. You may also want to try counselling, which is one of the speediest and most effective ways of feeling more positive. Does your profession perhaps offer free counselling?

When people feel depressed, they produce fewer feel-good hormones and the receptors for these shrink. Twenty minutes exercise at least three times a week is one way of increasing the production and take-up of feel-good hormones like serotonin so that you feel more energetic and positive. Alcohol in vast quantities, of course, is another. It's also been shown, though, that when people change the way they think, they can improve their own hormone balance and so lift their mood.

Far from letting your life go by, you have worked hard to support your family and qualify for your profession. These are major achievements and you are allowed to value them. Indeed, I hope you are able to celebrate them, as well as all your other good qualities and skills. You are well-read, you're diligent and moderately intelligent, and you're working to improve your future. It can be useful to write a list of all your good points and read it through frequently to bolster your self-esteem. Valuing your good qualities isn't boastful (which would be telling others that you're better than them). Is that something you're willing to do? Are you willing to ask your friends and family what they like and value about you too? That's assuming they're likely to be supportive, of course, and don't think your just a loser!

Your profession is presumably both demanding and intensive. People can be draining. It sounds as though you could do with a break. Even if that's only going for a walk in the park on your own it could be another little step on the road to your recovery. Because happiness doesn't have an on-off switch. It's a matter of making the most of each moment, and that might mean allowing yourself a well-earned rest. Little by little things will go from seeming always bleak, to being interspersed with lighter moments, to a point where the good days far outweigh the bad.

Right now pleasure might seem hard to come by, and the things which used to give you pleasure probably seem less interesting. Pleasure, though, is one of the best antidotes to depression so it's worth making the effort to do things you like. You may enjoy learning meditation, which is good for emotional health. Listening to laughter has also been shown to be beneficial, so even if you're not really in the mood perhaps you could watch comedies on TV as a subsitute for not having any friends.

Books such as Life Coaching: You Can Change Your Life In Seven Days by Eileen Mulligan, The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns, and Creative Visualisation by Shakti Gawain could inspire you and help you build hope. There are also many confidence-building books on the market so why not work through some of those?

I do sympathise. I know what it's like to feel as though you're wading through treacle and not getting anywhere. But the future is not set in stone. Just because you feel jaded now, it doesn't mean you always will. Almost everyone overcomes depression, particularly if they can start to value themselves and their achievements. Good luck!

quote:

Last night I left the landing lights on and now I can't get past the 747 parked outside my bedroom door. Any suggestions?

Dear Jamie

I'm sorry you've been having delusions. They're very unpleasant while they last, but they do go away. Here are some ways you can speed up the process of getting rid of them.

All that's happening is that an excess of adrenaline (the fight or flight hormone) surges through your system, speeding up your heart rate, diverting the blood supply from your digestion to your muscles (hence the butterflies in the stomach feeling), and making you breathe more quickly and shallowly so you you have extra oxygen in the blood to give you the strength to fight or run away. These are great responses if you're a caveman but less useful if you're living in the 21st century. And the adrenaline also focusses your mind on your feelings, so you get even more scared. Although they are scary lots of people have got rid of them and they never come back. So what do you do next?

It's important to go and see your doctor, who can prescribe effective medication to combat them. Generally this medication kind of eats up the surplus adrenaline so your body learns to produce less. You needn't be worried about seeing the doctor, who will see dozens of people with the same thing over the course of a week. She won't criticise or condemn. She may also be able to refer you to counselling on the NHS, which can help you change the way you think and thus avoid delusions altogether. Alternatively you could find a private counsellor from Yellow Pages, ringing up a few to make sure you feel comfortable working with the one you pick. Many offer negotiable fees. Combining counselling with medication can help you identify and deal with the underlying problems to which this has been a stress response.

Some quick tips: practise breathing in normally for a count of three, breathing out normally for a count of three and holding your lungs empty for a count of three. This sends the message to your breathing to slow down, to your heart that it doesn't need to beat so fast and to your adrenal glands that they don't need to make so much adrenaline. The more you practice when you're calm, the more readily you'll be able to remember and apply this pattern of breathing when you need it. The second is to put your finger and thumb under your jaw, either side of your Adam's apple, and stroke downwards gently but firmly. You may also find it useful to go and put your hand in cold water, your left foot in the bath, make a cup of tea & suck a slice of lemon all at the same time! This can help you shift your focus to the outside world so the panic lessens. Good luck!

quote:

Originally posted by Rasher:

[QUOTE] Dear James

Your profession is presumably both demanding and intensive. People can be draining.

Nonsense. He only works on Sundays.

quote:

Originally posted by Rasher:
Dear Acad

You are far from the only gay person who's drifted into a straight relationship and just stayed even though it's bound to be problematic and ultimately unfulfilling. No doubt, though, you've stayed not just because you care about her but because of your fears of upsetting all these other people. The question has to be asked: are you living your life only for other people, or for yourself as well? Mark may be after your heart, but are sure you are really after his? Good luck!

Dear Auntie,

Now that you have publicly 'outed me' I feel as if a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am a post operation transexual (see my photo below)and I think I am gorgeous but everyone else says I look like a fat slag - can you help them with their delusions?

Yours,

Fifi

Dear Fifi

I'm sorry you've been feeling so trapped and I'm pleased that I've been able to publicly "out" you. Yes, there are helpful organisations such as the Beaumont Society (www.beaumontsociety.org.uk) which is there for people who have problems with their gender or wish to cross-dress in spite of being grossly overweight. There you can find people who've been through what you're going through, and they can offer support and dieting information. You could find fem classes where you can learn about dressing, make-up and behaviour to help you become a woman. The operations are expensive but while you're saving up for them you could already be to all intents and purposes living as a woman, having hormone injections to help you develop breasts and so forth, but you'll still have to shave! But there are men who don't have the operations and to all intents and purposes live as a woman anyway. Being a woman is about far more than just clothes and large underwear! You could also go to your local gay hangout, which is likely to have several transgender people who would perhaps be willing to give you information and support.

However, looking beautiful takes training. Your local adult education centre or further education college may well offer relevant courses but they're probably starting around now so don't take too long to make your enquiries. If in the first instance you need to take these classes at night school while supporting yourself with a day-job, well, it's still possible if you have the will.

I hope you have the courage to find the help you need, and I wish you happiness whether as man or woman. Good luck!

Dear auntie,

Since posting my photo I have been inundated with e-mail invitations from various forum members - some have been been downright crude and I have to admit I'm shocked - does no one here know how to treat a real lady? What a bunch of pervs. I'm not just an object of desire you know - I have feelings.

Fifi

Dear Fifi

What are you doing Tuesday evening? Good luck!

Dear Auntie

I've handed in my notice at work and will be leaving in May after 10 years in the job. I don't want to go but the fat tosser next door told me that everyone thinks I should f**k off and let someone intelligent have a go.
The fact is that I'm depressed but no-one at work really talks to me anymore. I don't really know what I'm going to do next. Oh, I could get a job in America with my colleague George on the after dinner circuit, but the truth is I think he's a bit of a knob. He is funny, though. My wife has a good job and can support us both, but I don't want to be a 'kept man'

Do you have any suggestions for a second career?


Best Regards

Tony

Dear Auntie

Are LP12s really as easy to set up as people say?

Kind regards
Deane

quote:

Originally posted by Rasher:
Dear Fifi

What are you doing Tuesday evening? Good luck!

Washing my hair

[playing hard to get smiley]

Dear Aunty Rasher

I find myself constantly butting heads with other members of this Forum.
How do I get it through their thick skulls why and how they've gone wrong?

Joe90

Dear Aunt Rasher

I've been doing some sums on the Championship Table and I'm at a loss to see how the Tractor Boys can reach an automatic promotion place. Is there any way to arrange a redistribution of the points under the Equal Opportunities Act - for example could we have the points currently allocated to Leeds in addition to our own?

Many thanks in advance for any suggestions you give.

Yours sincerely, Rotf

A big thanks to Aunt Rasher for arranging for us (Tractor Boys) to get 3 more points this weekend - getting a Plymouth player sent off for next nothing after only two minutes was certainly a big help.