My Christmas Joke

It's always a nice day for it Have a good one!
Steve.
It's good to get back to normal.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is
of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter
in a large, fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup. Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck
in the cup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers,
pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something, Who cares.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Throw the bowl out of the window.
Check the whiskey again.
Go to bed.
Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

Andrew Randle
2B || !2B;
4 ^ = ?;

Emmanuel

One Christmas, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, "I like the mashed potatoes we have with the Christmas turkey!" and he sits down. Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael gets his turn, and he says "I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I hate them!"

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Paul rises and says, "I am fed up with this
constant bickering!"

Have a good'un one & all,

Steve

I notice you have listed as your interests "Pseudoacoustic Infectors". Perhaps you could continue the spirit of this topic and enlighten us?

Yes please.......BUT, as with the monks, only after Xmas..........NEXT YEAR!

Cheers

Don

I've already posted on this, but given the phenomenal demand, here it is again. Chris, you can click on this link now. Don, please wait till after next Christmas.

http://www.s2n.org/Articles/Pseudoacoustic.html

As the barman placed the whiskey on the bar, the old-timer asked "Any women in this old town?" "Nope!" said the barman, "Never has been, and I don't suppose there ever will be!" then continued, "But, if you're really desperate, there's always Old Bill in the back room!". "Christ!" said the old-timer (well it was Xmas) "Christ, I'm not like that, not like that at all!" And with that downed his whisky in one, jumped on his old donkey and set of for the hills for another three months.

Three months later, and really desperate, the old-timer was back in town on his worn out donkey. Once inside the bustling saloon bar he ordered his first whisky.

As the barman placed the whiskey on the bar, the old-timer asked again "Any women in this old town?". "Nope!" said the barman, "Told you before, never has been, and I don't suppose there ever will be!", then continued "But, if you're really desperate, there's always Old Bill in the back room!". "Christ!" said the old-timer (well it was Easter) "Christ, I'm not like that, not like that at all!" And with that, downed his whisky in one, jumped on his old donkey and set of for the hills for another three months.

Three months later, and really, really desperate, the old-timer was back in town on his worn out donkey. Once inside the bustling saloon bar he ordered his first whisky.

As the barman placed the whiskey on the bar, the old-timer asked again "Any women in this old town?". "Nope!" said the barman, "How many times do I have to tell you, never has been, and I don't suppose there ever will be!" then continued" But!, if you're really, really desperate, there's always Old Bill in the back room!". "Christ!" said the old-timer (well it was Whitsun) "Christ, I'm not like that, not like that at all!" And with that, downed his whisky in one, jumped on his old donkey and set of for the hills for another three months.

About half a mile out of town, the old-timer began to think about the long, lonely months ahead and Old Bill in the back room began to play on his mind. He turned his donkey round and headed back into town. Once inside the bustling saloon bar he ordered another whisky.

As he was being served, he said to the barman "I'm not like that, not like that at all! but this offer of Old Bill in the back room?, remember, I'm not like that, but how many would know about this?"

"SEVEN", says the barman straight up. "SEVEN, said the Old-timer!" quite taken aback. "SEVEN? why so bloody many?" asks the old-Timer.

"Well", says the barman, "There's you, me and Old Bill of course to start with, that makes three, then there's the four guys we'll need to hold Old Bill down, COS HE'S NOT LIKE THAT NEITHER!"

Cheers, Merry Xmas

Don

I heard one earlier in the week.

A senior executive decided he has had enough of his bullying boss, his nagging wife and obnoxious kids.

He packs in the job and divorces the wife and joins a silent monastory in order to find his true self.

The chief monk, known as the Abbot interviewed the guy and told him that he was only permitted to say two words once in every five years. The Abbot, of course, could talk as much as he wanted, that was a perk of being the chief. The guy accepted the deal.

He went into his cold frugal cell to study the meaning of life and after 5 years the Abbot came in and said..."have you anything to say".

The guy thought to himself...the cell is a bit cold and damp...so he said "more blankets. The Abbot left and next day a pile of blankets arrived.

Five years later, the Abbot came again and said..have you anything to say. The guy pondered the frugal diet and said...more food. The Abbot left and from that day onwards, the guy had more food.

Five years later, the Abbot came again and said...have you anything to say. By now of course, the guy had been there for 15 years and had found himself and was ready for the world.

He said to the Abbot..."I'm off"

The Abbot replied...good, I am pleased about that, you have done nothing but whinge since you came here.

Regards

Mick

Paddy replies that he's got geese.

The landlord shows interest, (given that Christmas is approaching, and it would be a welcome alternative to turkey) and says that if he could guess how many he's got under there, would Paddy give him one of them.

Paddy replies,

"If you can guess how many I've got, you can have both!"

It's always a nice day for it Have a good one!
Steve.
It's good to get back to normal.

So the Landlord disppears down the cellar with the ferret. Five minutes later he comes back, and says to the customer "Bloody hell, you were right, that was the best sexual experience I've ever had", and he reaches into the till and pulls out 5 £20 notes.

The Landlord rushes into the back, where his wife is making chips, and says "I've bought you a present".

The wife looks at the ferret, and says "What the hell am I supposed to do with that?"

The Landlord says "Teach it to cook, then bugger off!!"

Merry Christmas

Steve D