New Rules For Living!
Posted by: u5227470736789439 on 08 November 2005
My Aunt in the Bahamas just sent these to me. I thought they may brighten up someone else's day as well!
NEW RULES FOR LIVING, posted by Fredrik
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my
lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to
you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole
hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid,
the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you
have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target
is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I
look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN
number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing
me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been
called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.
It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently
televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If
I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then
you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys, who
have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are
permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know,
it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies
and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up
the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No
more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy
is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is,
I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
New Rule: Turn signals exist to let the rest
of us know what the numbnuts in the vehicle ahead
thinks he might be going to do next so we have a
small chance of not running in to him or someone
else. They require approximately zero effort to
use. Use them.
NEW RULES FOR LIVING, posted by Fredrik
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for
Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to
people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly
like them! Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my
lawn.
New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to
you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are
acting all shocked that a human finger was found in
a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a
dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?
Luckily, it was only a finger! If it was a whole
hand, Congress would have voted to keep it alive.
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still
collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid,
the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.
Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you
have two of them? Okay, we're done.
New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored
water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the
supermarket, water but without that watery taste.
Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink.
You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice
and let it melt. That's your flavored water.
New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target
is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's
square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to
open it his ass will be in the morgue.
Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social
Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks
order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a
Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy,
half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread
cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one
Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge
asshole.
New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I
look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN
number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing
"Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing
me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper,
plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been
called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!
New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.
It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently
televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just
too damned exciting. What's next, competitive
farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's
called "The Howard Stern Show."
New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If
I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you're going to insist on making
movies based on crappy, old television shows, then
you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote
so we can see what's playing on the other screens.
Let's remember the reason something was a television
show in the first place is the idea wasn't good
enough to be a movie.
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys, who
have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are
permanently damaged. I have a better description for
these kids: lucky bastards.
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know,
it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies
and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up
the stuff you want and having other people buy it
for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people
version of looting.
New Rule, and this one is long overdue: No
more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy
is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had
sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's
supposed to be there, or just some freak with a
fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I
just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is,
I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's
two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I
didn't care in the first place.
New Rule: Turn signals exist to let the rest
of us know what the numbnuts in the vehicle ahead
thinks he might be going to do next so we have a
small chance of not running in to him or someone
else. They require approximately zero effort to
use. Use them.
quote:Fredrik
quote:Do you have it !
What's it worth
