Limericks
Posted by: rodwsmith on 21 June 2013
Adam's posted a couple of limericks in the "solicitor-parked-at-owners-risk" thread, and I thought rather than join in there and drift the thread, I'd start a new one, because...
I was on a wine trip recently and one of the other people was an old boy who had been great friends with the late Cyril Ray - a celebrated wine writer but also a proponent of limericks and who had written books of them. He was noted as claiming that he could invent on the spot a limerick based on any British place name.
Someone one day proposed "Aberystwyth".
He thought for a minute and came up with this:
Two chaps from gay Aberystwyth
United the organs they kissed with
As they grew older
They became a bit bolder
And switched to the organs they pissed with.
Another was:
In the midst of her usual contortions
and despite the normal precautions
little Ermintrude
let a sperm intrude
Does anyone here do abortions?
Any more?
A professor from Trinity Hall,
possessed a mathematical ball.
Two times its weight, plus his prick, minus eight,
Was two-tenths of four-fifths of f*ck all.
There was a young man called Wyatt,
whose voice was exceedingly quiet.
Then one day, it faded away...
There was an old lady from Rhyde
Who ate some green apples and died
Those apples fermented
Inside The Lamented
And made cider inside her insides
There was a young lady from Bude
Who danced on the stage in the nude
A bloke at the front
Shouted "Christ, what a C***!"
Just like that, right out loud, F***ing rude!
A limerick fan from Australia
Regarded his work as a failure:
His verses were fine
Until the fourth line.
There was a young man from Ealing
Who boarded a train for Darjeeling
A sign on the door
Said 'don't spit on the floor'
So he leant back and spat on the ceiling
A young girl who came from Devizes,
Possessed titties of two different sizes.
One was small & did nothing at all,
the other was big and won prizes.
The version I have heard (from a Cardiffian) is:
Their was a young girl from Aberystwyth
Who found a young boy to play whist with
As they grew older
They also grew bolder
And played with the things that they pissed with.
The forum has reached an all time low....must be a slow news day.
The forum has reached an all time low....must be a slow news day.
The forum has reached an all time low....
must be a slow news day, I know
But to cheer us all up
You can drink from my cup
Of strong fermented hops that I grow
(You'll get the hang of it) G
Some say the top is at vinyl
While others claim streaming’s the way
But no one's opinion is final
Until Adam has had his say.
The limerick, peculiar to English,
Is a verse form that's hard to extinguish.
Once Congress in session
Decreed its suppression
But people got around it by writing the last line without any rhyme or meter.
The heated resistor’s aroma
Feeds stirrings of audio lust.
The motto on my diploma:
“In Sarum's black boxes we trust.”
The forum has reached an all time low....must be a slow news day.
Here's something a bit more highbrow for you then:
There was a young lady named Bright
Who travelled much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
And came back the previous night.
As recited by Kenneth Williams in "Carry on at Your Convenience", the greatest movie ever made (probably):
There was a young fellow called Reg
Who went for a poke in a hedge
When along came his wife
With a big carving knife
And cut off his meat and two veg
Hyuk hyuk phnar phnar
Who ate a packet of seeds
In less than an hour, his cock was a flower
And his arse was a patch of weeds.
From the classic 60s BBC radio comedy "Round The Horne"
A shy market gardener from Bude
Developed a cactus quite lewd
He said, "When it trembles
It rather resembles
Sophia Loren in the nude"
There once was a man from Japan
Whose limericks just didn't scan.
When asked why this was,
he answered, "Because
I always try to cram as many syllables into the very last line as I possibly can."
A Russian who danced the gavotte
On the deck of an Englishman's yacht
Lost his balance and drowned
And was buried on ground
In what's known as a Communist Plot.
My wife and I sadly are parting,
In our lounge is a farm she is starting.
She's fed all the pigs
On syrup of figs,
No wonder my eyes are still smarting.
************************************************
A weakness of Vlad the Impaler
Was to shout out at men: "Hello Sailor!"
In far Transylvania
He'd indulge in his mania,
And dress up as Elizabeth Taylor.
********************************************************
A TV producer called Perkins
Had this passion for eating raw gherkins.
He'd munch them while dreaming
Of a naked Jan Leeming,
Which played hell with his internal workins'
My wife and I sadly are parting,
In our lounge is a farm she is starting.
She's fed all the pigs
On syrup of figs,
No wonder my eyes are still smarting.
************************************************
A weakness of Vlad the Impaler
Was to shout out at men: "Hello Sailor!"
In far Transylvania
He'd indulge in his mania,
And dress up as Elizabeth Taylor.
********************************************************
A TV producer called Perkins
Had this passion for eating raw gherkins.
He'd munch them while dreaming
Of a naked Jan Leeming,
Which played hell with his internal workins'
Steady on, it's a family weakness...........
The medicinal power of brandy
Is vouchsafed for, so keep some of it handy.
Its wondrous effect
Kept Churchill erect,
But at the same time did sod all for Gandhi!
A horny young owl in the zoo
Fell in love with a gay caribou.
He slipped out one night
In search of delight
Saying: "D'you fancy an odd cockatoo?"
There was old woman from Neath
Who pulled back foreskins with her teeth
It wasn't for the thrill
That she acquired this skill
She just liked the cheese underneath
I resisted clicking on this thread. Now I know why. Just pathetic.
I resisted clicking on this thread. Now I know why. Just pathetic.
A forumite from Canada named Wink
Of limericks not much did he think
He said: "They are rubbish"
And stormed off with a flourish:
"How low this forum doth sink!"