Americans: How Fat, Loud, and Stupid are We?
Posted by: Russ on 17 December 2013
As some have pointed out, I am often guilty of bit of centrism where America is concerned. But you have to understand: Until I was fifty-five years old, I had never been out of good old 'Murika except for a few trips to northern Mexico. The first time I went to Paris, knowing I would not be able to find decent American food served in large quantities, I took 20 pounds of oatmeal granola bars. My wife said "My God, you are going to the culinary capital of the Universe, and you are taking FOOD BARS?" I replied that as far as I was concerned there was no difference between Paris, France and rain forests of the Congo. (And I can truthfully report that after spending a week eating in French restaurants, the next time I flew back there, I took 30 pounds of granola bars.)
A French waiter inquired of me: "How did you find your fillet, Monsieur?" "I just moved aside one my carrot slices, and there it was," I replied. Another waiter brought me coffee which essentially consisted of a thimble full of motor oil. I sent it pack (politely, I assure you) and ordered "Cafe Americain". The waiter brought me a steaming mug of hot water, pointed at it and said: "Voici cafe Americain, Monsieur!
OK, I know I probably stand out when I am in Europe, but I do cringe a bit when my European brothers and sisters accuse us of being fat, loud, horribly dressed and abysmally ignorant.
The main problem I have with defending myself and my fellows against such accusations---is that, God help us, they are completely true!
I have to admit that Europeans are, in general, more refined, better educated, and more soft-spoken than are we Americans. (And the good Lord only knows what the average quietly-refined Asian thinks of us--I suspect they wonder if they and we are members of the same species.)
If one ignores the fact that Brits eat pies with kidneys inside them and that the French and Italians smoke like Nineteenth Century locomotives, I have no doubt that Europeans are healthier as well. Most Americans have either quit smoking or never started. And we don't sit in restaurants with little dogs peering out of our overcoats and slobbering onto our 1.5-kilogram steaks.
(I used to smoke after sex, but now I use...but that's another story entirely).
I know what you are thinking: "how fat are these Americans?". Well, we are so fat that the same woman can keep a man warm in the winter and cool in the summer. Once when I saw an overweight woman walking down the street, I said to my grandfather: "Grandpa, look at that fat lady!" and he replied "that ain't no lady, boy--that's shade!"
If you walk into a doctor's office in the US, the chairs in the waiting area are about three feet wide. And at the huge wholesale chains where Americans can stock up on 50-pound bags of sugar, 5-gallon tins of hog lard, and 5-pound jars of peanut butter,) they have these electric carts large enough for Dumbo the Elephant. Even the push carts have a capacity of a full ton!)
So Americans are indeed fat. When Europeans point out how terrible our health care system is by a showing that our life-expectancy is maybe a year less than in say, Sweden, I think to myself--"In God's name, just think how GOOD our system is when you consider that millions of Americans pour 5 gallons of oil into a a cooker and fry entire turkeys in it. Jesus! I can't tell you how disgusting it is to see a morbidly obese couple in a super market, with two or three fat kids, running up and down the aisles eating donuts. And most often, they are wearing short pants! One wonders what kind of appliances they must have employed in order do what was physically required to produce their fat children. One also wonders how they...but no, I will leave it there.
And in addition to being obese, we are also morbidly stupid. We have fallen behind the rest of the World in education. I can remember when Harvard, Yale, and Princeton Universities were the equivalent of Oxford, Cambridge, and Edinburgh. Now major American Universities offer courses such as:
"GaGa for Gaga: Sex, Gender, and Identity" and:
"God, Sex, and Chocolate: Desire and the Spiritual Path"
Oh, sure, we have courses of study in Petroleum Engineering, but since we ourselves don't drill for oil any more, those courses are all reserved for students from Arab and Persian Gulf nations who charge us a hundred smackers U.S. the barrel for crude and finance attacks on us. Similarly, although there have been no reactors constructed here since Lincoln was President, we still offer PhD programs in nuclear physics--clearly meant for students from North Korea and Iran. Students from former Communist nations benefit from our university offerings in Business Administration and Economics. Happily, though, very few American students would allow themselves to be exposed to such running-dog-capitalist-pig subjects such as those.
Also, whereas men and women alike from France and Italy walk the streets of Paris and Milan wearing suits and shoes to die for, we Americans are slipping into ever more ill-fitting jeans and tee-shirts. Our women--especially the really fat ones, should be required by Federal Law to wear bras--if only that they constitute extreme safety hazards when swaying from side to side.
I think I mentioned that, as a group, we are also very loud and (I will add) vulgar in the extreme. I Have a cousin from East Texas (which today has much in common with the Mississippi circa 1875) who is about 2 meters tall and weighs over 350 pounds. This gentleman grew very wealthy through the sale of insurance which East Texans didn't know they didn't need. He sent me an email the other day which read as follows:
"Dear Russ, Me and my wife just got back from Paris, France. The people there was very rude to us. We asked directions from some woman selling perfume and she was very snotty, so my wife told her she was a French Bitch! Then we was at the train station and I was trying to flag down a taxicab and was yelling at the cabs as loud as I could and waving hundred-dollar bills in the air, and not a a goddamn one of them would stop for me! The waiters all say stuff like 'Chawntay, and Seevoosplait.' And i say back: 'Chevrolet Coupe--get me some coffee damned quickay!" I don't know why the French are so rude."
So yes, we stand guilty as charged of crimes against civilized society and behavior. We are inferior in almost every way--in literature, learning, science, medicine, and you-name-it. When I search for the roots of any superiority we might claim, it always comes down to one thing: tens of thousands of thermonuclear weapons.
I haven't even mentioned how I feel about the superiority of our Mother Country to our own--my own ancestors came from Northumberland circa 1600--and I have no doubt they would be able to understand every single word of every single episode of the seven seasons of Foyle's War that I own--but I don't. When you get right down to it, I think the problem with the United States is that we were the very first colony to declare our independence. Had we stuck it out a bit longer, learning at the parental knee, we too might have achieved a degree of the sophistication and savoir-fare of say, Somalia--or at the very least, Basutoland!
Best regards and cheers,
Russ