Advice on sex as part of a marriage

My marriage didn't work out, so I am perhaps a bad advisor. But sex is part of a normal marriage, while the frequency might not be so high anymore when one get's older. So something is clearly broken. It is your happiness which decides if this is ok or not, nobody can tell you that.

But before a divorce some counseling might also do some miracles, especially in this area people might find a renewed interest in each other.

Thought for the day.

Rather than seek out a lawyer, why not go down the route if extra marital sex by other means. Would be much cheaper. 

Exert caution as you could end up fighting over custody of the Naim systm

In the UK there are 5 grounds for divorce:

Adultery

Your husband or wife had sex with someone else of the opposite sex, and you can no longer bear to live with them.

You can’t give adultery as a reason if you lived with your husband or wife for 6 months after you found out about it.

Unreasonable behaviour

Your husband or wife behaved so badly that you can no longer bear to live with them.

This could include:

• physical violence
• verbal abuse, eg insults or threats
• drunkenness or drug-taking
• refusing to pay for housekeeping

Desertion

Your husband or wife has left you:

• without your agreement
• without a good reason
• to end your relationship
• for more than 2 years in the past 2.5 years

You can still claim desertion if you have lived together for up to a total of 6 months in this period.

You have lived apart for more than 2 years

You can get a divorce if you’ve lived apart for more than 2 years and both agree to the divorce.

Your husband or wife must agree in writing.

You have lived apart for more than 5 years

Living apart for more than 5 years is usually enough to get a divorce, even if your husband or wife disagrees with the divorce.

More info here:

https://www.gov.uk/divorce/grounds-for-divorce

As I recall the key factor in divorce in the UK is whether there is irretrievable breakdown.

This is then demonstrated by showing one of the circumstances mentioned in Lionel's post - which is the relevance of the "bear to live with them" in the adultery and unreasonable behaviour sections.

If it's been 10 years already what has triggered the current feelings?

Sex AND marriage , now THERE'S a concept.

If it's been 10 years already what has triggered the current feelings?

Cramp!

+1

Sounds like a sad and difficult time for you.

I guess you've talked it through with your other half more than once already and considered what are the options going forwards?

Marriage guidence councillor ? .Although divorced myself, I still think of it as a last resort when everything else has failed Good Luck

Sex? Far as I can recall it's wot posh people have their coal delivered in.

Sorry Tom, a difficult situation for you but I guess there's more than the lack of sex going on here?

Tom,

I would be more concerned  as to why your wife no longer wants to have sex with you. Is there an underlying reason and have you discussed it? Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, its the being together and the way you feel about each other that matters.

Saying that sex should be a normal part of a healthy relationship, so something is clearly not right. Before jumping to conclusions I would explore all reasons before considering divorce,

Regards

PB

Most solicitors will give a free initial consultation to outline the options.

Marriage - the end of a perfectly good sex life.

1+

Tom,

it's rarely, if ever, just about sex.  If it were then I doubt that divorce would even be a consideration.  However, if one of you stops wanting a sex with the other then that can cause problems which, if left unexplored or unresolved can lead to a breakdown in the relationship.

I would suggest first talking about this with your wife. Try to put aside any anger or frustration you may be harbouring.  Try to be honest, congruent and loving. Tell her how you feel.  Ask her to tell you how she feels.  From there you may wish to suggest to her that you would like to seek the help of a counsellor.  Explain to her that you would like to explore this together. She may be reluctant.  If so, tell her that while you would prefer to go together, if that's not possible then you'll go alone.  She will, of course, have the option at any time to either go with you or on her own.  

The thing about therapy is that it's only really effective if you enter into it willingly.  Forcing somebody to go to a humanistic therapy session such as for marriage counselling is a waste of time.

It's a mistake to think of counselling therapy as a last resort.  Much better if you enter into it sooner rather than later.

I wish you both the very best.

If it is not a medical problem then it is a serious issue and it is not fair for you.  You must feel being rejected (and 10 years is along time).  I will not give her anymore excuses. As your wife, she has to see if you are happy (if she still loves you).

Well it takes two to tango.....

I'm sorry I reject the idea that sex is somehow a duty within marriage on behalf of one partner to the other. That also sounds like pretty dull sex to me.

Unhappy marriages rarely have great sex lives; as a symptom rather than the cause.

Lots of happy marriages don't include much/any sex either. The libido of one or the other is bound to vary over time and events, it will not always match each other exactly. In a healthy relationship these things are discussed, negotiated and tackled within the context if everything else they do as a couple. If sex is the only block to your happiness is it worth divorce on that subject alone?

Lots of longstanding happy marriages also include continuing with plenty of mutually enjoyable sex. Quality not quantity perhaps.

Try Relate, expert relationship counselling. Maybe first just try looking at the marriage as a whole. If it is unhappy and irrepairable you don't need the 'excuse' of no sex to look for an exit.

Bruce

Agreed.  Sex without love is merely a biological function. But add flirting, romance, anticipation and passion, and sex with the person you love becomes something very wonderful.

After 34 years of marriage, I am as guilty of forgetting this as any other guy. But if you really love someone, it's not that hard to turn back the clock, and rediscover what made the earlier years of your relationship work well. It can start with something as simple as meeting somewhere for a cup of coffee, or going on a movie date. Are you still able to have interesting conversations? Can you still make her laugh? Do you open the door for her, or hold hand her hand when you go for a walk together? Do you reminisce? These little things can all add up over time, and can do much to communicate your feelings.

Rest assured Tom that you are dealing with something that most all married couples go through. Yes, ten years is a long period of physical estrangement. But if you are both still healthy, there is no reason why a fire can't be rekindled. Try to remember how you won her heart in the first place. The key is simply making the effort -- it's the only to know if she is still the person you want to spend the rest of your life with...and visa versa.

Hook

Is it ground for divorce ... well as others have said there is a difference between the legal position and perhaps what you might call the emotional position.

At some point you have to ask yourself if you still want to be married to your wife ... apart from the no sex are you happy?  If the answer to that is no then probably yes its getting to the point where some form of separation is inevitable.

If you want to stay together, they you are going to have to talk about your impasse on this subject.  Either just the two of you or with a relationship councillor.

Eloise

PS. I'm sure everyone wishes you the best with whatever decision you make.

 Not sure what your local council can offer.....

I'll get back in pedants corner!

Bruce

Tom,

You are a brave man to raise this subject on this forum. It goes to show how generally sensible and sympathetic most on this forum are as elsewhere the subject would have been severely ridiculed. Aside from the 'cramp' comment the replies have been very sensible.

I guess it shows that this problem is a serious matter to you and you felt there was nowhere else to air your concerns. I wish you luck but this is something you'll have to work out with your wife with or without counselling. As has been mentioned above there are a number of avenues to explore but I would suggest you sit down and have a good discussion with your wife and try and find a solution. If one isn't forthcoming then suggest counselling with Relate or another agency.

Good Luck.

Steve

the fact that you have lasted 10years since this issue surfaced suggests to me you two probably have something else other than sex that binds you and you can build on. perhaps find what that is and then proceed from there. talking about lack of sex is the negative bit. the more "positive" part is that, somehow, you have managed without marital sex for 10years.

good luck

ken

You can met the husband a descent man then the wife she is the same in the autum of their years,After bring up their children they split up and pay lawyers a lot of money,Sex is ok with different partners it is fun better to stay single I caught a man in my friend but I let him off because it was her husband.