Advice on sex as part of a marriage

Thanks for all the advice. It may seem strange but it's a messy, complex, dirty situation. It's been brought to a head by my two wonderful sons being now self sufficient so I now have other options to consider.

I don't want us to separate but there's such tension between us and she won't discuss it. I don't know where to go.

Tom, I would suggest taking a look at the BACP website and searching on your postcode for accredited counsellors in your area.  Most offer a reduced rate preliminary meeting so you have nothing to lose (and so much to gain) by taking a step in that direction.

Your case is extreme for sure but not unusual I suspect and the lust that drives you headlong into marriage in the first place is a difficult thing to sustain long term.  I am at an age where I am frankly surrounded on all sides by friends and colleagues wrestling with similar issues and many are walking away.  My observation is that as others have said much depends on how well the other elements in your relationship are working.

If you still get along well as 'friends' and parents then I think it would be rather less messy all around if you paid for sex on an occasional basis to take care of your physical needs.  That way your children still wake up on Christmas morning and share close relationships with both parents under the same roof.  Looking at the couples I see around me who have split up, most have found it difficult to find long term compatible partners.  Most dads in particular seem to end up living quite sad and lonely lives trawling the singles scene online and missing out on bringing their children up.  The saddest place in the world in my view is McDonalds on a Sunday afternoon because it's full of fathers having to say goodbye to their children for another week or more.

If on the other hand you and your wife simply don't get on anymore and can't enjoy the simple pleasures of a movie, a conversation, a meal or a walk in the park I would firstly pursue the counselling option but if I couldn't make it work I would reluctantly end the marriage.

The truth is that nature makes young people very sexually attractive in order to promulgate the species.  As we age and the peaches slide deeper into the clotted cream I suppose it's natural that we become less sexually attractive to each other but you've got to try and sustain a physical relationship through a bit more creativity and imagination.  Take her to see Fifty Shades of Grey and buy her a new babydoll to wear when you get back or go to a local gig dressed in denim and leather like you used to!  That's the kind of thing I'm suggesting can spice things up.

One final thing worth mentioning is that children rarely if ever improve a marriage.  I once spoke to a work colleague who was going through a divorce and she said to me that she and her partner had children partly because they thought it would bring them closer together.  In fact she said having children was like chucking a nuclear bomb into the marriage.  Sadly (and I would still regard myself as happily married) I have to agree.  Our holidays used to be like one long James Bond seduction scene in a 5 star hotel on a sun drenched beach in Thailand, nowadays they're a campsite in Dorset or a 3-4 star family hotel in the Canary Islands with my 10 year old sleeping in the same room...  Difficult to play 007 in such circumstances...

I wish you both the very best of luck.

Jonathan

One voice is missing from this discussion-that of your wife. I have to hope she can be engaged with the problems of your marriage, and professional counselling is one way to try to do that.

It cannot be solved by one party alone.

Where couples have found communication breaking down into conflict a carefully composed letter can sometimes be a way to open the discussion as it can be written and read away from the upfront emotional battlefield as a first step. A valued mutual friend whom you both trust could also act as a bit of an intermediary too. I'd also suggest making time for this stuff. We all have busy lives and have to find time to go to the dentist, repair the guttering, take the car for new tyres. Make explicit time in both of your lives to actually work on this problem as well.

Bruce

There is  zoo Curiter I think his name was Desmond  Morison wrote a best seller called the Naked ape,well worth the read because that's all we are animals we invented religion war can't even face our own mortality some where to go when we die ,Man invented marriage we all have our ups and downs but we are to clever our own good.

I join the voices here Tom in wishing you the best in how it all turns out.  And I laud your courage for bringing it up here.

"I don't want us to separate but there's such tension between us and she won't discuss it. I don't know where to go."

To me this is the most worrisome thing you wrote, because if she doesn't want to discuss the issue, then that means she may not be amenable to counseling either.  And in a sex withholding situation, the passive aggression of not having sex is the easy way out for the partner who doesn't want to have it....do nothing, and you "win". (In quotes because of course there are no "winners" in these situations.)

But I also agree with all those here who say that the sex issue is symptomatic of something deeper.  As my sister once said, "If marriage is a meal, then sex is the dessert."

Again, my best wishes to you and hopes for a good outcome.

It is a difficult situation, but there could be medical issues going on.depending on if your wife is pre or post menopausal. Is she on any kind of statin medication? statins lower cholesterol, but also affect brain function, memory and energy levels.

Personally I've been reading a number of health books, and now am reading grain brain by Dr David Perlmutter who is a neurosurgeon.

Maybe a change of food could lead to mood improvements. 

Good luck.