HOW TO SING THE BLUES...

Posted by: kuma on 26 May 2015

Found on the other forum. Just passing it along. 

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town"

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Wille Nelson has for years.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Slick Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

Posted on: 26 May 2015 by joerand

You can be English-born and sing the blues, just can't sing them with an English accent.

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by GraemeH

Very good. Thanks G

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by Komet

I like Sonny Boy Williamson's comment about the backing bands who accompanied him on a European tour: "those British boys want to play the blues real bad, and they do".

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by sjbabbey

The buzzin' amplifier blues

 

I woke up this mornin' and my amplifier was a-buzzin'
Yes I woke up this mornin' and my amplifier was a-buzzin'
It got me down so bad
That I commenced myself to cussin'

 

Well I wents to see my dealer to see what he could do

Yes I wents to see my dealer to see what he could do

He said "I'd like to help you son

But you see all our amps are buzzin' too"

 

He said check out the naim forum them guys is full of brains

He said check out the naim forum them guys is full of brains

Well I posted on that forum and they just said

That I's got lowdown dirty mains.

 

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by james n
Originally Posted by sjbabbey:

The buzzin' amplifier blues

 

I woke up this mornin' and my amplifier was a-buzzin'
Yes I woke up this mornin' and my amplifier was a-buzzin'
It got me down so bad
That I commenced myself to cussin'

 

Well I wents to see my dealer to see what he could do

Yes I wents to see my dealer to see what he could do

He said "I'd like to help you son

But you see all our amps are buzzin' too"

 

He said check out the naim forum them guys is full of brains

He said check out the naim forum them guys is full of brains

Well I posted on that forum and they just said

That I's got lowdown dirty mains.

 

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by kuma

+1! LOL!

 

It would have cinched it if an electric chair was somehow involved tho. 

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by ChrisSU
Originally Posted by Wat:

Funnily enough the greatest blues classic of all time was written and performed by a decidedly English band ... please click

 

 

Yes, and on that note, I think Rory Gallagher could give any blues artist a run for their money. He had the voice, the guitar, self-doubt, alcoholism, premature death, the lot.

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by kuma

A white blues player just doesn't do it for me tho. 

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by ChrisSU
Originally Posted by kuma:

A white blues player just doesn't do it for me tho. 

If you look backwards you can still end up on the wrong side of the Atlantic. Try Ali Farka Toure.

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by Tony2011
Originally Posted by kuma:

A white blues player just doesn't do it for me tho. 

Does that include the early British blues players, Kuma?

Posted on: 27 May 2015 by kuma

I thought that the blues was the American thing. ( specifically African American )

 

Just like Jazz music was.

 

We have some Japanese blues players, too but not very authentic. Pretty convincing. But not authentic.

 

But hang on a minute!

 

BB King with a computer! ( Amiga nonetheless )

 

Posted on: 28 May 2015 by DrMark

The Japanese guy above proves that playing the blues has almost nothing to do with playing all the right notes.  You don't play the blues, you feel the blues.

Posted on: 28 May 2015 by Kiwi cat
Originally Posted by kuma:

Found on the other forum. Just passing it along. 

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town"

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Wille Nelson has for years.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Slick Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

Regarding how Kiwi is not such a good first blues name, I'll have you know that Deaf Kiwi Washington is quite big hEre. Not had major success internationally as his singing isn't is kinda atonal!

Posted on: 28 May 2015 by kuma
 
 Originally Posted by Wat: 

I don't think colour makes any difference to whether somebody can sing a particular style of music 

For example: Peter Green was an excellent Blues man and he knew a Black Magic Woman.  

That's a blues influenced rock. 

 

Plus his real name is 'Greenbaum'. 

As Kosher wine is NOT a blues beverage*, Greenbaum is not a blues name. 

 

I suppose I prefer gritty blues like this is more authentic.

 

*The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

Posted on: 28 May 2015 by kuma
 
Originally Posted by Kiwi cat:

Regarding how Kiwi is not such a good first blues name, I'll have you know that Deaf Kiwi Washington is quite big hEre. Not had major success internationally as his singing isn't is kinda atonal!

That's ok son.

 

A success has nothin' to do with Blues. 

 

Down and out is even better.

Posted on: 28 May 2015 by Kiwi cat

Lord have mercy!

Posted on: 28 May 2015 by kuma

Amen~

Posted on: 28 May 2015 by joerand
Originally Posted by Kiwi cat:
Kiwi is not such a good first blues name

+1.

If you're going to include some sort of produce as part of your blues name, make it a crop from a Southern plantation ... Peanut, Cotton, Peach, Melon or Tobacco work much better.

Posted on: 29 May 2015 by sjbabbey
Originally Posted by kuma:

+1! LOL!

 

It would have cinched it if an electric chair was somehow involved tho. 

 How about:

 

Well them lowdown dirty mains, they drove to despair

Yes them lowdown dirty mains, they drove to despair

That I shot a man in Reno/Memphis/Jackson [delete as apropriate]

And got the electric chair.

Posted on: 29 May 2015 by TOBYJUG

 

 

 Andre Williams from Detroit was/still is a bad mother****er , who could keep a good women even when he was homeless.

Posted on: 29 May 2015 by kuma

That is still Blues influenced pop/rock genre. 

 

Muddy is synonymous with deep south delta Blues. 

Posted on: 31 May 2015 by Clive B
Originally Posted by kuma:

Found on the other forum. Just passing it along. 

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town"

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person and you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Wille Nelson has for years.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's the Blues.
Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
e. Slick Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn and Rainbow can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues.

I've just spotted this - had me in stitches!

Posted on: 01 June 2015 by kuma

Now listen to his monologue.

Howlin' Wolf is another blues heavy. I prefer acoustic Blues ( there was no electricity back then ) but this is nice.

Posted on: 01 June 2015 by joerand

I prefer Jim Morrison's interpretation, true blues or not.

Sometimes it's the performance you first hear.

Posted on: 07 June 2015 by Romi

Eric Clapton was good in Blind Faith but became boring when he tried to play the blues.  Compare his so called blues music to Jimi Hendrix's blues is like comparing Pepsi Cola to Coca Cola (the real thing!).