It can take a long time to die.....
Posted by: hungryhalibut on 06 July 2015
My dad is 94, and since my stepmum died six years ago, he's been living at home by himself. My stepsister has been wonderful, dropping in once or twice a day to help with lunch and to keep an eye on him. Fiercely independent, he's refused to have any carers, saying he didn't want 'strangers' in the house. He was so lonely, despite visits from family and friends, but was adamant that that he did not want to leave his home and go somewhere else.
Anyway, just under four weeks ago, he decided that enough was enough, sat on the floor, called the paramedics and told them he couldn't walk. He was taken into hospital and has refused food or water ever since. He was initially on a drip but as he gradually declined it was removed. That was about ten days ago. Since then his hearing has gone, and today he told me that he can no longer see. He just lies there, waiting to die. I go there every day, sit by his bed, hold his hand, and say 'yes, I know, but you are safe' every time he says 'I'm dying'. Life is on hold. It's so tragically sad. And it takes so long.
This is is not meant to sound mawkish, nor do I want sympathy. It's merely an observation.
I have every sympathy HH. Mum is the same age & due to dementia has been in a care home since February, she doesn't know much other than she is seriously fed up & wants out, problem is unlike your Dad she doesn't know how.
I hope it goes well & in due time you will look back & only remember the good times.
Terribly sad HH , it must be awful for you all to see . My thoughts are with your dad and all your family . I really hope things go peacefully .
Peter.
Thank you. I'm hoping for that call, but it doesn't come. Back on the train to Worthing tomorrow. All the staff at the hospital, from the consultants to the lady with the tea trolley, are simply wonderful. How they keep going is beyond me.
Thoughts are with you HH. My dad passed away fairly quickly, at a pretty young age, in pretty unpleasant circumstances a couple of years ago with the only comfort being that we had a brief respite, when we had lost all hope, and he was able to sit up and talk to us for an evening before he passed away - something I still look upon as a minor miracle. His passing was 'difficult' and it was a traumatic time for those of us who loved him and I feel for anyone who has to endure such times. No platitudes but he at least isn't alone and has people who love him to hand. Best wishes
My thoughts and prayers for you and your Dad HH.
Very sad news Nigel. The only upside I can see of losing a parent slowly is that we are given time and opportunity to communicate our last thoughts, and to say a proper goodbye. Even as close to death as your Dad is, I am certain your visits and holding his hand still mean something very important to him.
And yes, I agree completely about hospice workers. They were a source of great comfort to me when both my Dad, and later my Mom, were dying. It takes a very special person to do that job well.
ATB.
Hook
My english isn't good enough to support in words, but the post (I hope) would put all of us on the right way to spend well our life and take care of our loves as long as possible.
Is not easy to deal with the realty of a limited time for everyones.
Love is the answer, always and until possible.
Take care.
Thoughts are with you Nigel, and your father.
HH, my thoughts and prayers for you and your father.
Take care.
Erich
HH I am sorry to hear about your father. He sounds like a very independent and strong individual, who has decided to go out on his own terms. That doesn't of course make it any easier you and other loved ones. All the best and I hope he is at peace soon.
Perhaps when you look back you will actually value the time you have spent with him these last few weeks; being there, respecting and caring for him. In the perspective of 94 hopefully good years it is not much time really, and in time It will fade against the wider picture.
When people die suddenly many families regret not having had a chance to say this sort of goodbye.
I speak professionally and personally here. My mother in law is in a similar state these last few weeks but very confused and apparently derives no comfort from the presence of family as she has no recognition of anyone.
Regards
Bruce
I have empathy for you HH. My father in law is of similar age (91) and on the opposite US coast from us in New Jersey, so my wife and I have to experience his tribulations with dementia mostly from afar. We have a trip planned in October to see him and hope he will still be there to receive us. Take comfort in the fact that you're there and can hold his hand.
It's a very strange time, like being in suspended animation. Although it's heartbreaking to see him, it's worse not being there. So it's time to empty the dishwasher, have a shower, make the sandwiches and get down to the train station. Luckily it's only 35 minutes on the train; it must be awful being on the other side of the U.S.
Thankyou to everyone for your kind and perceptive words.
It's a very strange time, like being in suspended animation. Although it's heartbreaking to see him, it's worse not being there. So it's time to empty the dishwasher, have a shower, make the sandwiches and get down to the train station. Luckily it's only 35 minutes on the train; it must be awful being on the other side of the U.S.
Thankyou to everyone for your kind and perceptive words.
My father in law succumbed to dementia at the age of 90, by the age of 94 before he finally slipped away he was just an empty shell with no recognition of anything or anybody. There is no easy answer or solution to this situation. Sudden death leaves you grieving for things left unsaid or done but the slow prolonged physical / mental demise is even more painful to witness. My mother at 87 is on her last legs and constantly cared for (fortunately) by my sisters.
Although your father has bravely decided this is what he wants it must be as equally painful to bare as the other scenarios mentioned.
With sympathy,
Ken
So sorry to learn of your very sad situation HH. Just be aware we're all feeling for you at this difficult time and many of us have had a similar experience with our loved ones.
Take care and best wishes,
Tony.
Just want to echo what what others have said HH, I too have lost both my parents, mum at a young age and dad more recently, I never had time to say goodbye to my mum sadly but with dad I did get a few weeks before he slipped away, that time spent with him at his bedside in hospital was so special and I was grateful to be by his side when it was time for him to pass, my thoughts go out to you and yours and hope your dad is soon at peace.
Rob.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad.
HH this sad news.. At least your Dad knows his family is near him and thinking of him and that must be a huge comfort for him in his last days.
Simon
Your dad's "run up" to this very difficult time reminds me of my dad now who is 87 and insists on living alone still in his apartment in NJ, 5 hours drive from his nearest child (my sister.) He had polio as a kid so his "bad leg" is so weak he can't even go food shopping. When we siblings (there are 4 of us) talk, he is what we discuss. He should move near one of us so we can keep an eye on him but refuses.
But I extend my heart felt best wishes to you; I watched my mother pass away 3 years ago and while it is heart wrenching and almost surreal while it is ongoing, there is a peace that comes with the end along with the grief, and the memories that remain are treasured. I wish you the strength and wisdom to cope with the situation as it unfolds. If you have anything to say to him please be sure and say it. I'm sure he is proud to have such a caring son.
Kind of puts black boxes & cables in perspective...
Perhaps when you look back you will actually value the time you have spent with him these last few weeks; being there, respecting and caring for him. In the perspective of 94 hopefully good years it is not much time really, and in time It will fade against the wider picture.
Wise words, Bruce. The opportunity to say some sort of farewell is valuable. Someone told me decades ago that only when you become a parent do you fully understand what your own folks did for you. Now I get that, which puts a lifetime into perspective. My parents died at 57 and 70 and I am thankful we were able to have some time before the end.
Take care.
My thoughts to you and your dad.
HH - I can only echo other posters sentiments to spend as much time with him as you can in that which remains.
My wife lost her mother unexpectedly 12 years ago and never had a chance to say goodbye - a regret and sorrow which remains with her to this day.
You will at least have closure and the knowledge that you provided him with the support he needs while he moves on to wherever we go when we die.
My thoughts are with you and I hope the end is peaceful
Sorry to hear about the difficult time you and your family are going through Hungryhalibut. We don't always get to decide the circumstances of our end to this life, but your father is fortunate to be surrounded by his family. I'm certain he takes comfort in that.
HH, my thoughts and prayers for you and your Father.
Nigel my thoughts are with you. Your dad is lucky to have you by his side. It's a wonderful thing you are doing for him.
My best,
Bart