It can take a long time to die.....
Posted by: hungryhalibut on 06 July 2015
My dad is 94, and since my stepmum died six years ago, he's been living at home by himself. My stepsister has been wonderful, dropping in once or twice a day to help with lunch and to keep an eye on him. Fiercely independent, he's refused to have any carers, saying he didn't want 'strangers' in the house. He was so lonely, despite visits from family and friends, but was adamant that that he did not want to leave his home and go somewhere else.
Anyway, just under four weeks ago, he decided that enough was enough, sat on the floor, called the paramedics and told them he couldn't walk. He was taken into hospital and has refused food or water ever since. He was initially on a drip but as he gradually declined it was removed. That was about ten days ago. Since then his hearing has gone, and today he told me that he can no longer see. He just lies there, waiting to die. I go there every day, sit by his bed, hold his hand, and say 'yes, I know, but you are safe' every time he says 'I'm dying'. Life is on hold. It's so tragically sad. And it takes so long.
This is is not meant to sound mawkish, nor do I want sympathy. It's merely an observation.
I trust he had good life Nigel.
Yours is one of life's duties to perform now.
best
Graeme
I had a similar experience with my parents so I know what you're going through.
My thoughts are with you.
Dave
Reaction to death or impending death is a personal thing. What others experience is personal to them. There is no "this is how one should act or react" template.
Whatever you think or feel is right.
The nurse who was overseeing the life support machine holding up my mother, told us that the hearing faculty was the last of the bodies systems to shut down at death. Making that last goodbye more poignant when it was turned off.
The nurse who was overseeing the life support machine holding up my mother, told us that the hearing faculty was the last of the bodies systems to shut down at death. Making that last goodbye more poignant when it was turned off.
I find that disturbing, if it is true.
Nigel
Like others, my thoughts are with you. I lost both my parents to cancer at ages 70 and 80 respectively so I know what it feels like when confronted by the inevitable outcome. At 94, and hitherto being independent, that's a very full life so many will say he's had a good innings, but I also know that does little to mitigate the emotions at such a difficult time.
Mike
Mike - it does make a difference. 94 is an amazing age to reach. My mum died of cancer in her 40s when I was 11, and Hilary lost her mum and dad at 67 and 60 respectively, and her elder sister at 60, just last year. So my dad has indeed has a good innings and it's all in the natural order of things. It's just so heartbreaking seeing someone previously so robust becoming a skeleton day by day. He wants it over. We want it over. But time must take its course, and it takes so bloody long. It's just amazing - the drip was removed about two weeks ago. The human body is just so resilient.
Anyway, I'll be on the train from Emsworth tomorrow morning to see the lovely hospital staff who now greet me like one of the team. The tea lady even lets me have the tea my dad doesn't drink, and from a mug rather than a spill proof plastic beaker.
All the best H. I guess you can always remember who and what he has been through his life before this. Although having seen 4 close family members live through 'slow' deaths, one only a teenager, I find myself now remembering very little about them during their illlnesses but lots about them when living life more fully. Life is what it is.
HH, your Dad will appreciate your love and kindness. My thoughts and prayers for you both.
Just seen this thread Nigel. My thoughts are with you at this trying time in your life. As you mentioned on the OP some people reach the stage when they feel enough is enough. I remember a similar episode with my grandfather who was 87. Once he made his mind up he also refused food and drink and passed away peacefully some weeks later. One has to respect their judgment and support them as well as you can.
ATB
Steve
HH - Your dad, I am sure, will depart this earth a proud man. I wish you and your family all the best in such traumatic times.
Best Wishes
Steven
HH - Your dad, I am sure, will depart this earth a proud man. I wish you and your family all the best in such traumatic times.
Best Wishes
Steven
Just went through the deaths of both parents and father in law. Cancer was slow with my father, and I'll never be the same after these deaths.
It wasn't until *both* parents died that the real impacts came in, I thought I was a grownup until all of it happened.
Wish you the best and strength for the future.
I remember this phase with my mother HH. I asked the consultant when he thought she would go and he predicted five days. He was absolutely accurate.
I remember her hands cooling first. A peaceful passing is a very poignant and memorable time.
Best
Graeme
I guess I'll just add to this thread that having sat with many people in this situation there is nothing to fear. People do generally just quietly slip away.
Bruce
Thoughts are with you Nigel. Nothing more to say.
Take care
James
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.
We had a similar situation in our family a couple of years back.
A couple of which the wife had increasing levels of dementia, the husband refused help until the last few months of her life which was spent in care home. Both were in their 90's.After she passed away, he just decided he had had enough of life and slipped away a few weeks later.
I'm having a day off from visiting tomorrow; we have friends round for dinner, which has been planned for ages, so Hilary and I will cook something nice and drink too much wine.
Now the end is near and he is so peaceful it's all much easier to bear, almost like someone moving into the distance.
Thanks again to everyone for their thoughts and support.
My thoughts and best wishes to you and your family too.
I received lot of support here when my mum died two years ago, and took ages over it herself. I think she would have taken some delight in having proved the doctors' predictions wrong, but it didn't make it easier for us, nor I suspect for her.
My father lasted six months after that and he just gave up, allowing (I think) a viral infection to develop into pneumonia from which he never recovered. I am glad I was there at the very end.
I am currently working in Hong Kong and one of my friends here two weeks ago got the kind of phone call we all dread and which it is practically impossible to imagine - his dad and stepmum were on the beach in Tunisia. They didn't make it. The whole family is being very upbeat about it (together, quick and likely painless, doing what they loved etc etc) but nevertheless the chance to say goodbye is something rather beautiful, and I am very grateful for it.
Good luck.
My heartfelt sympathies goes out to you and yours HH. Although not quite the same as losing a parent, my Nan passed away a couple of weeks ago at the ripe old age of 95 and we all got the opportunity to say goodbye to her at the hospital. It was the first time I had seen somebody I loved and cared about so much dying and it was one of the most powerful and emotional experiences of my life. Nan was under a lot of medication but she knew we were there, and I'll never forget the strength in her grip as I held her hand. It was like she was finding the strength to say goodbye to us all and holding on till those that lived further away made it there. Truly remarkable. The human spirit and will is really a wonderous thing. I still can't get my head around that we'll never see her again or that we'll not get to enjoy her amazing cooking. I find the finality of death quite hard to deal but do accept it is a much a part of life as living is.
Thank you for sharing this graceful slow dance that you are taking part in. All the very best now and in the months ahead.
You have my sympathy. My father died last Sunday at the age of 92 in not completely dissimilar circumstances, he didn't seem distressed but seeing him fade was very hard to bear.
You have my sympathy. My father died last Sunday at the age of 92 in not completely dissimilar circumstances, he didn't seem distressed but seeing him fade was very hard to bear.
+1 Mum died last Wednesday after a fall 5 weeks ago. She would have been 87 today.
HH I can empathise with you. Stay strong.
Only one month ago my father asked me for his uniform, saber and service gun. And to be there to help him stand from his bed in the moment.
But today he enjoied my turkey stew with peperonata.
Holding on to life and ready to go at the same time.
Good luck HH.
Not long now, I think. I sat with him all afternoon today: he's got that rattly breathing that happens at the end. They are quite used to me at the hospital now, and they gave me a cup of tea without me even asking, and even gave me two digestive biscuits. That's never happened before! The nurses and support staff are all so lovely and caring, it's amazing how they do it.
Thanks again for your thoughts, which I reciprocate to those of you who have lost loved ones - it seems there's a lot of it about.