Dementia

No one should be subjected to a desease like that. It's cruel. I'm sorry for your wife and her Mother. And of course for you.

A

My mother died from Alzheimer's in 2009. Let's just say it was six very unpleasant months for her and the family. My thoughts are with you and her.

Commiserations Graemeh, my mother is getting close to the end with that horrible disease.  This is not the place to discuss such issues, but in my mothers case she is in an excellent professional & genuinely caring care home, she gets a visit from one of the family at least once every day, not that she is aware of this,  but very few of the other patients get more than one visit a week,  some less.     Its just so sad, tragic, unfair, unjust  ....... I really don't have the words.   But maybe I need to say that its effects around the greater family group over a long period of time is like a long drawn out period of something that is not grief or mourning, its worse as the person has died but has not gone & it gets worse as you inevitably end up wishing & praying for the end to hasten & that is something no one should ever have to wish on their family. 

Sometimes it is hard to have words that have any meaning in situations like this but my thoughts are with you and yours.

My condolences to both Graeme and Mike.  All end of life situations are difficult, but in IME, dementia and Alzheimer's can be uniquely heartbreaking.

ATB.

Hook

With all the syndromes that run in my family DNA, I am thankful that we do not have much in the way of what you are going through. End of life issues are always difficult, but when the person is gone before they are even gone has to make it even more challenging. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your loved ones.

Amidst the sadness of this situation keep hold of the memories of who she was, not who she has become.

It can be hard when you are looking in to know what they themselves experience but I have always felt the distress is for the family, not the patient. Any of the latter should be controllable by judicious medical help too.

I have plenty of personal, as well as professional experience of this.

with best wishes for a peaceful conclusion

Bruce

Thanks Bruce,  appreciated words - not forgetting the professional side.    In my case we have discouraged/stopped visits from those outside her immediate family.  It has preserved the better memories for them at least.   

My mother also had dementia (vascular rather than Alzheimer's) for several years and the last six months were terrible. I feel for everyone who is at all close to anyone who goes through the experience. It is scarily common and the only comfort is that as it gets worse, the person with the disease suffers less and effectively transfers many of their fears and problems to the family, who may be better placed to deal with them.

But I shall not forget, for example, the phone call she made to me, when I lived 100 miles away, when it became clear that literally overnight she had lost (permanently as it transpired) the ability to operate her microwave oven with which she reheated the pre-prepared meals that were delivered to her regularly or the time my brother found a cheque for £25000 from her bank which she had left in a pile of junk mail to be thrown away.  It is tough for the careers too.

best

David

Thank you all for your good wishes and shared experiences. She has hours left now after a week of 'false ends'. Her particular form is 'Dementia with Lewy Bodies' about which I knew nothing until 5 years ago.

We are all here providing support to my wife and Father-in-Law - Is it wrong to be willing the end I keep wondering...

Best

G

No, Graeme, it is not wrong. My dad died on 13 July last year and I sat with him in his last hours. It's a strange time. My thoughts are with you. 

This is sad for all and we do not know how the sufferer feels or knows what is happening.

It is time for a serious discussion on eol solutions, be it Diginitas which is a solution only for the privileged and reasonably  able  (due to the need to get to Zurich), society and parliament have to agree that more humane solutions are required - we treat our relatives worse than our sick pets. I am not seeking a mandatory solution but the enablement of an optional solution. Perhaps triggered by a "Do not sustain" letter signed when the person is fit and well. 

Graeme, my thoughts are with you - I always find the death of my loved ones difficult.. even though sometimes you feel a great ultimate relief for them once their suffering has ended. 

GraemeH posted:

Thank you all for your good wishes and shared experiences. She has hours left now after a week of 'false ends'. Her particular form is 'Dementia with Lewy Bodies' about which I knew nothing until 5 years ago.

We are all here providing support to my wife and Father-in-Law - Is it wrong to be willing the end I keep wondering...

Best

G

I don't think it's wrong at all to express your wish for the end to come quickly.  After all, the good lord will decide in his own time, not ours.  Like many things we pray for, sometimes he listens to us, often he doesn't, but I'm certain that we should allow our private wishes to be known to him without any feeling of guilt or regret.   

Roger

My mother is in her 5th alzheimer year that started revealing itself with a slight aphasia and sudden, apparently unmotivated anger surges. Passing by a constant, slow reduction of fingers and legs coordination together with hallucinations.

Just the other day i was washing her in the tub and she was happy like a child. But only after a couple of hours later, while  changing her for the night,  i saw insanity in her eyes while she was trying to explain me that there was a boy standing in the room corner looking at her.

She'll soon join a facility created for this kind of desease where, they say, she will be fine. The final cut to a friendship that lasted 50 years.

Thanks again everyone. Two medical visits in the night last night giving her '24 hours' and she's still hanging in there - Strong heart apparently. The body is a truly resilient thing.

G

My mother has just been moved into care with vascular dementia, my sisters have coped for the last four years with 24/7 supervision of her but after a fall resulting in a broken hip there was no way back. I hope the end comes soon for all our sakes but most importantly for her. It is so dreadful to watch and endure seeing someone who means so much to you degenerate into an 88 year old 'baby' interspersed with lucid intervals that do nothing but give you pointless hope. If my demise should end this way someone please be humane enough to pass me the revolver............ 

I empathise, Graeme. The impact on the patient and their family of dementia is in my view harder than cancer. To watch the abilities, personality and soul of a loved-one ebb away and be replaced with what seems a stranger inhabiting their body is heart-breaking. 

Mike

Best wishes matey

I empathise with you G, life take unexpected turns, some of them very hard, as the one you are facing. Don't feel guilty, your thoughts are absolutely legitimate. My best wishes.

Erich

Thanks gents. She passed peacefully a few hours ago - now for all the practicalities to delay the grief, for my Father-in-Law and my wife particularly. I'm the support-act here now.

All his time over the last 18 months has been spent at her beck and call and he'll be lost for a while. He's a very practical 'handyman' sort though so I hope the backlog of relatives 'things that need fixing' get's him out and about...in time.

I am getting an embroidered pillow with 'press here now' on it when it gets to my turn!

G

PS - The bit I didn't mention - We'd all come down, suitcases packed, to head off to Spain, so we've been sitting around in the most inappropriate dress...Quite funny really.

Our thoughts are with you and your family Graeme. I remember this from when my mother died a few years ago after a similar illness. A lot of the grieving will have already taken place and it is ok to feel relief that her suffering and your father in law's is over at last.

best

David

Graeme - I small quote form a song, which I think is quite fitting:

Let the Lord have His way in your life everyday.
There's no rest, There's no peace,
Until the Lord has His way;
Place your life in His hand,
Rest secure in His plan,
Let the Lord, Let the Lord have His way.

Adam