Quotes - One-liners: philosophical,comical or truisms

Oscar Wilde - Life is far too important to be taken seriously

Nigel Blackwell - You can’t put your foot up in Europe, they take a dim view of a slightly raised shoe

Homer Simpson - "Donuts... Is there anything they can't do?"

Calvin (Calvin & Hobbes) - "Your denial of my victimhood is damaging my self-esteem."

"Just 'cos you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Anybody know who first said that?

"Well I can tell you the bowler's Holding, the batsman's Willey"

Brian Johnston.

Homer Simpson: Alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

There is no such thing as bad music - only dull music.

Rossini.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results

or

Expectations are a planned resentment

quote:

Originally posted by dn1:
"Just 'cos you're not paranoid, doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Anybody know who first said that?

I love that one. The great groundbreaking african american baseball player Satchel Paige, who played til he was 60, had some great ones - "Age is question of mind over matter. If you dont mind, it dont matter." "Never look back - something might be gaining on you!" and "The only change is that baseball has turned me from a second class citizen to a second class immortal"

A couple more I've seen attributed to Oscar Wilde.

To a customs official "I have nothing to declare except my genius"

On his deathbed, in less than salubrious surroundings "Either that wallpaper goes or I do"

Just a few comic ones for you.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people seem bright until you speak to them.

Never ever under any circumstances take a laxative and a sleeping pill on the same night.

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They both should be changed regulary and for exactly the same reason.

I don't have a beer belly I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.

90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave their house. The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.

Woody Allen: I do not wish to become immortal through my movies, I'd like to do it by not dying.

Bruce

Grouch Marx is a great source of excellent quotes - "I'd never join a club that'd have me as a member" - "When on safari in Africa I got out of bed & shot an Elephant in my pyjamas. How he got them on I'll never know" - "Well, those are my principles, and if you don't like them; well, I have others..."

Another W.C. Fields quote - "Any man who hates animals and children can't be all bad!"

I'm also rather fond of the saying (not sure where it came from) - "Show me a good loser & I'll show you a loser"

Sam Goldwyn, the Hollywood director, was famous both for his partial grasp of the English language, and his high self-esteem:

"You think my bad English means I know fuck nothing. You're wrong - I know fuck all!"

Churchill has some corkers.

"He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

"I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

"I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me"

And a personal favourate...

"You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else."

Also from Groucho:

"Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flies like a banana."

Curly (of the Three Stooges) "All for one and one for all, and everyman for himself"

Another from Churchill after Bessie Braddock accused him of being drunk.
" And you Madam are ugly ,but I will be sober in the morning!"

"Hey listen. Don't you think you're bounding over your steps ?"

(Stan Laurel tells the policeman he's overstepping his bounds).

God gave us life, but he also gave us Tony Blair - Nigel Blackwell.

A couple from the HR files.

This person sets low standards and consistently fails to achieve them.

It is impossible to believe that this person beat one million other sperm to the egg.

my favourites, by far, are by Mark Twain.

"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it."

"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat."

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man."

"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."

"Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it."

"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow."

another Twain goes something like:

"Anyone who has had a bull by the tail knows a thing or two more than a person who hasn't"

Bertrand Russell 'Most people would die rather than think - and frequently they do.'

Henry Ford: "Whether you think you can do something, or whether you think you can't - you're probably right."