Beer drinker FEPs (equivalent)

Flat Earth Beer Drinker Test.

Further to Joe Petrik's FEP test of about four years ago I propose the Flat Beer Drinkers test.

See how many Flat Beer Drinker Points (FBDPs) you notch up in the following test:

Drinking in the pub

Do you drink beer just to get drunk?

Yes -100

No +1

Do you ever choose your pub in part for the convivial atmosphere but also for the range and quality of beers served in there?

Yes +10

Do you ever go to places that serve only fizzy or creamy gnats piss just to get a late drink?

Yes -10

No +5 (There are (or should be) plenty of pubs that sell decent beer and do after-time lock-ins.)

Is it possible to hold a conversation in there? No -5

Do fights regularly take place in there or just outside at chucking out time? Yes -10

Do you drink beer purely for the taste?

Yes -100 for being a tosser.

No +1

When you go to the bar what do you generally ask for?

You may answer more than one of the following:

A pint of...

Lager -5

Bitter -3

(If there are only one of each available and you are a guest at a wedding reception or some other social gathering 0)

(Not specifying your brand of beer is a mortal sin in a flat beer world and slightly worse if you order lager.)

Stella -4

Carling -10

Fosters -8

Carlsberg -4

Budweiser(USA) -10

Kronenbourg 1664 0

Grolsch +1

Carlsberg Export -3

Staropramen +5

Pilsner Urquell +10

Velkopopovicky Kozel +10

Budvar/Budweiser(CZ) +10

Guinness 0

If you thought Guinness served in the UK was still brewed here -5

If you knew that all Guinness is now brewed in Dublin and you think it tastes better as a result -10

Any German beer not listed in the five below +12

Beck's 0

Holsten -1

Warsteiner +1

Kaltenberg -4

Bittburger +3

A German brand of wheat beer +50 (they are bloody hard to find on tap in the UK)

Hoegaarden +4

Leffe +4

Any imported draught Belgian beer not brewed by the Evil Empire +50

(If you thought draught Stella was imported from Belgium -50 for being a plonker, and ditto any of the following from their respective countries of origin in name only: Grolsch, Kronenbourg, Fosters, Budweiser (USA), Carlsberg.

Any real ale +30

Any guest ale or ale you haven't tried before +40

(Add another 20 points if you ask for a small free sample to taste first)

Any imported draught beer you haven't tried before +30

Do you ever have a dash of lime/black cordial or lemonade poured into your beer?

Yes -500 for being a wuss who would be better off drinking alcopops

If you think all imported beers are lagers -20

If you prefer a sparkler to deliver you a nice creamy head -15

(if the above is because you tend to sip your beer and drink it rather slowly and you know that the lasting creamy head will keep your beer fresh until the finish -5)

If you have ever had the balls to ask for the sparkler to be removed before your pint is poured without making yourself look an idiot +40

If you think creamflow bitters taste just as good or better than their cask equivalents when in good condition -50

If you can't tell the difference -60

If you order bottled beer, it is because...

you think the pipes aren't cleaned often enough +5

the cellar is poorly managed/dirty/at incorrect temperature/real ales often served before they are ready or past their best, or just taste shit for whatever reason caused by the licensee and/or his staff +10

they've got in stock some of your favourite imported beers from Belgium, Germany, Czech Republic or France that aren't available on draught +10

you don't ask for a glass and drink the beer straight out of the bottle -10

you drink the beer straight out of the bottle because you want other punters to see what you are drinking -25, and if you do so to impress women -50

you drink Stella, Carling, Fosters etc at £2 or more for a 33cl bottle when these are available on draught at £2.50 a pint or less (add 30p if in London, another big city or the Home Counties) , and you know (or aren't concerned) that they are neither watered down nor are the pipes dirty -100 for being an idiot.

If you always insist (politely) for a fresh, i.e: clean glass for each pint +5

(If the bartender is refusing to give you a fresh glass because it is after Last Orders/Time and you are lucky still to be served +5)

If you order the beer (that isn't more than 5.5% abv) to be served in a half pint glass -10

If a stem glass is ordered by you for a "lady" -20

Any beer successfully ordered after permitted Time that isn't Carling, Stella, Fosters, creamflow bitter etc +10

(Double the points for each full hour after permitted licensing hours for each pint consumed)

Beer At Home (yours or someone else's)

Do you buy canned or bottled beer?

Just bottles +10

Are those bottles cheap stubbies? Yes -10

Just cans -5

A bit of both +5

5 litre kegs of imported German beer +10

5 litre kegs of Boddingtons or Stella -10

Are the bottles versions of real ales or imported beers? Yes +10

(Stella isn't imported unless your mate is a lorry driver and he brings them in for you, in which case -5)

Do you have a collection of proprietary beer glasses and they are (mostly) in active use?

Yes +10, add 1 bonus point for every glass above 5 glasses

Add two points for each glass that you've imported yourself.

Deduct 10 points for each stolen one.

Do you always pour your beer into a glass?

Yes +5, add 5 bonus points if it is usually the proprietary glass, although deduct 5 points if it is a pish-lager brewed in the UK under licence glass.

No -10

Have you ever bought any of the following by the case?

Carling -20

Stella -15

Carlsberg -20

Carlsberg Export -15

Fosters -10

Kronenbourg 1664 (UK) 0

Kronenbourg 1664 (French domestic version) +5

Ales or imported beers +20

Guinness 0

Do you go on booze cruises and buy a selection of continental beers?

yes +50

For as many cases of stubbies as will fit in the car -50

the van -200

Do you buy beer from Majestic, Oddbins or some other outlet catering for the discerning beer drinker?

Yes +20

Kwiksave -10

Do you recycle your empties? (I don't mean piss in them.)

Yes +10