The silly things people say.

Nothing can really beat the efforts quoted in Private Eye's 'Colemanballs' and 'Dumb Britain' columns. My all-time favourite from the latter is:

Q. Where is the Sea of Tranquility?

A. Weston-super-Mare.

Or when you've lost something and someone says "it'll probably be in the last place you look"

Rich

My late grandmother (rest her soul) was an absolute goldmine for this sort of thing, but my favourite was this;

The family were all sitting at the table eating the evening meal and my brother was being awkward and not eating his dinner. My grandmother was getting frustrated with him after her efforts to encourage him to eat up were met with increasing resistance.

Finally she snapped and shouted at him, "Right, that's it Neil, I've had just about enough now! You just eat it all up... or....or I won't give you any!"

We all fell about in fits and she looked at us in bewilderment.

Ok, well perhaps you had to be there!

Mark

I remember a gathering at my wife's aunt's place where my brother-in-law had brought a new girlfriend along to meet everyone. The aunt boldly told the girlfriend, seriously, that Paul was the cutest of the boys but she was always very worried at the small size of his willy. 10 years later we still can all recite it word for word.

Resting atop Slemish (a volcanic plug) after an energetic climb my daughter asked "what will we do if it interupts".

Regards,

Willy.

Recalling a programme about celebrety cooks that had been on the radio earlier that day my son struggled remember the name of one of the cooks. After much mental contortion he burst out "Vagina, Vagina Craddock!".

Regards,

Willy.

I hate to ask but what does he call you in moments of forgetfulness, er, Willy?

Mark

Or "Daddy"

Regards,.

Willy.

One of my pet hates is when people send congratulaion cards saying "It's a Boy!!" or "It's a Girl!!", like ...er... I hadn't actually been informed of which sex it was.
I remember when we had a particularly dense secretary who told me one day as I walked into the office "You've had your hair cut!". Oh..thanks for telling me - how did I not know that?

quote:

"You've had your hair cut!".

Not comemnting on SWMBOs new hairdo might not go down well though.
Don't forget if women stop using their mouths their brains start working.

I once, and only once asked a woman i knew when her baby was due. I think she had put on a little weight since the last time i had seen her. I dug a large hole and buried myself in it.



Diccus

Diana Dors was a girl from Swindon. After she had made it on the big screen, the parish church which she had attended as a girl invited her to come to officially open the new long-saved-up-for church hall.

It was a big day for the parish, and, as a special touch, the new priest was asked by some church members who remembered her as a girl to welcome by her family name, rather than stage name of 'Dors'.

The priest warmly agreed, it semed a nice touch. Then he asked what the family name was.

Fluck.

'Oh', he said - the room for error had not escaped him. Others recognising his dismay told him not to worry, just to practice it a few times.

In the time before Diana's arrival he was seen pacing up and down repeating to himself, 'Diana Fluck, Diana Fluck...'.

Then she arrived and was invited to the stage. The moment had come. The priest in welcoming Diana really laid it on...

'Great day for the parish...long time saving up and working hard to fund raise...and really good to be able to welcome back to the parish a famous local girl to open the hall...

'Ladies and gentlemen, to the world she is Diana Dors, but please will you give a warm welcome to someone who is still very much remembered in this parish as, simply, Diana Clunt.'

I remember a family holiday when I swimming and a rain shower broke the warm Spanish summer sunshine.

"Get out now, you're going to get wet" I heard a holidaying mother shout to her child.

I almost drowned laughing.

quote:

Originally posted by BigH47:
Not comemnting on SWMBOs new hairdo might not go down well though.

Depends on the comment Howard.

I was in a meeting last year when one guy was outlining a plan, and he said something like "giving the client an opportunity to vocalise their concerns.." I'm afraid I laughed, they stopped..and I said " Vocalise ?????". I know it was rude, but I just can't stand that sort of bullshit.

Rasher

OH.......god.........please tell me Paul is happily married.

Slow down! If you fall over and break your leg, don't come running to me.

quote:

Originally posted by Diccus62:
I once, and only once asked a woman i knew when her baby was due. I think she had put on a little weight since the last time i had seen her. I dug a large hole and buried myself in it.



Diccus

Only ask this question if you can see the feet sticking out.

Jono

quote:

Originally posted by Jono 13:

quote:

Originally posted by Diccus62:
I once, and only once asked a woman i knew when her baby was due. I think she had put on a little weight since the last time i had seen her. I dug a large hole and buried myself in it.



Diccus

Only ask this question if you can see the feet sticking out.

Jono

Quick Nurse the forceps