Abolutely, positively the worst film ever made
Posted by: Tim Jones on 02 December 2003
My bird insisted on dragging me out to see an squawking, gobbling turkey of a film last night. I'll give you a clue - it stars Hugh Grant.
"Love Actually" on one level manipulates the simplest sentiments of the audience, on another is just incompetently written, and on another is profoundly morally worrying. At the start of the film a man marries a woman with the level of schlock only Richard Curtis can deliver. By the end she is making eyes at his best friend for the sake of a halfway happy ending.
I knew it was going to be bad from the moment Mr Grant delivered a little lecture on the telephone messages left by 9/11 victims. From then on it was downhill all the way.
Perhaps the single worst moment is a woman's visit to her brother in a mental hospital. Apart from the utter unreality of the situation, this the most sickening attempt to to inject "authenticity" into a film I've ever seen.
Throughout the film, everyone is a cliche and lives a cliche'd life. Their houses are mews cottages, or bachelor studios, or the crisp warmth of a Heals catalogue.
All in all it was an experience that left me feeling kinda soiled inside. England isn't like this is it? Say it isn't so!
Tim
[This message was edited by Tim Jones on TUESDAY 02 December 2003 at 16:38.]
[This message was edited by Tim Jones on TUESDAY 02 December 2003 at 16:42.]
Posted on: 02 December 2003 by Steve G
I'm willing to accept it's bad, but surely it can't even be in the same class as the American remake of Get Carter?
Regards
Steve
Posted on: 02 December 2003 by P
Or the Italian Job!
P
Posted on: 02 December 2003 by Tony Lockhart
Do Americans believe that England and the English are as portrayed by Mr Curtis?
Tony
Posted on: 02 December 2003 by jayd
quote:
Do Americans believe that England and the English are as portrayed by Mr Curtis?
Tony
Probably no more than Brits believe America and Americans are as portrayed in various media.
"Can we have kippers for breakfast, mummy dear, mummy dear? They've got to have them in Texas, 'cause everyone's a millionaire..."
jay
Posted on: 02 December 2003 by Todd A
I'm sure that Love Actually is putrid, but it cannot be worse than Star Crash (from the late 70s) or, worse yet, Armageddon.
"The universe is change, life is opinion." Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
Posted on: 02 December 2003 by Mick P
I just cannot understand why the Sound of Music was so popular. I found it plain bloody tedious.
Regards
Mick
Posted on: 02 December 2003 by Rasher
Tell us Tim, what did her outdoors make of it?
I can't imagine that anything with the title "Love actually" could be anything remotely watchable anyway - much like that gushing girlie simpering bollox that was "Truely, madly, deeply" - along the same putrid lines I guess.
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by Tim Jones
Rash -
What I wanted to see was the reprint of "All Quiet on the Western Front". But my old lady insisted on going to see Hugh's celluloid turd. I suspect her motives were partly sadistic. But by the end of the film she had to admit this had turned to masochism. Even she, chick-flick enthusiast, was aghast. This weekend, I will be choosing the film...
Incidentally, someone mentioned 'Armageddon'. And it was that film that sprang to mind as I curled into the foetal position in my cinema seat, precisely because of the sentimental manipulation factor. The thing about Armageddon, however, is that I swear it does this in a tongue in cheek way.
Tim
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by BLT
I always exclude anything that is low budget from my worst films list, so here are a few that have no excuses for being so dire;
Braveheart
Matrix Reloaded
Highlander
Face Off
Mission Impossible
Also, there has been a disturbing trend for the US to re-write history in their films - usually to take credit for the actions of another country or to make the actions of another country look much worse than they were. U571 and The Patriot come to mind in this category. Perhaps we brits should make a film about how we had the first man on the moon?
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by Matthew T
quote:
Originally posted by Todd Arola:
I'm sure that Love Actually is putrid, but it cannot be worse than Star Crash (from the late 70s) or, worse yet, Armageddon.
"The universe is change, life is opinion." Marcus Aurelius, _Meditations_
Ah, but Armageddon was very funny, well maybe the the film itself wasn't funny but the fact that it was a film was funny, I laughed most of the way through.
Matthew
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by Robbie
Movies I think are crap:
Pearl Harbour
U 571
Independence day
Most american horror movies (very predictable, and not frightening at all)
Disney movies (pathetic, cheap sentimentalism)
Rob.
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by Tim Jones
Isn't there a film called "First Men in the Moon" (based on a Jules Verne story) in which a pucker British chap (David Niven?) is clearly shown to have made the first moon landing?
And the shadows, stars, Clangers, etc were all in the correct proportions. Unlike the 60's American effort.
Tim
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by TomK
quote:
Originally posted by Tim Jones:
Isn't there a film called "First Men in the Moon" (based on a Jules Verne story) in which a pucker British chap (David Niven?) is clearly shown to have made the first moon landing?
Tim
It was actually Lionel Jeffries with Edward Judd and a pile of other middling British actors from the early sixties. Mindlessly enjoyable stuff for a wet Sunday afternoon.
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by Madrid
Last year´s Solaris must rank as one of the most inane, meandering and pointless movies, particularly given the talent of its director (Soderbergh).
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by BLT
Solaris was strange - I almost thought that I was watching a good film, but I somehow lost interest half way through. I had forgotten about Pearl Harbour, though - it was (and is) truly dire.
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by Tim Jones
Alan -
perhaps you could ask Mr Grant do do us all a favour and show us what a talented actor he is by choosing a decent script in which he does not play a decent but slightly gormless public schoolboy.
Thanks.
Tim
Posted on: 03 December 2003 by Colin Lorenson
Worst recent movie -
Dreamcatcher - what a stinky pile of poo.
I had the good fortune to have only paid £2 for the pirate DVD, but even then I felt ripped off.
Colin Lorenson
Posted on: 05 December 2003 by domfjbrown
quote:
Originally posted by Tom Alves:
Forest Gump springs to mind but probably the worst I've seen was one about a party in a U-Boat that then got sunk. The plot and the acting sank faster than the submarine.
U571 rears its head again then? Unlike Jon Bon Jovi's character - who loses his thanks to the submarine hatch! A crap film but cool boat footage... Das Boot, err, Boots all over it of course.
Armageddon's not THAT bad - the line about "someone who's had less caffeine" is a classic - but it is a load of old crap. Entertaining crap, but not a great film... And with one of the worst layer changes I've ever seen - at least mine wasn't the flipper.
I think my worst film of all time accolade goes to...
SPAWN.
What a load of frog's ****. The only film in all time I've ever wanted to walk out of in the cinema - and if you how tight I am when it comes to money and entertainment, you'll know that's a BAD film!!! I mean, I even sat through The Chase for crying out loud.
quote:
Originally posted by Tom Alves:
perhaps you could ask Mr Grant do do us all a favour and show us what a talented actor he is by choosing a decent script in which he does not play a decent but slightly gormless public schoolboy.
He did - in Bridget Jones's Diary. And I paid money for that JUST for the scene where he gets the crap beaten out of him by Mr D'Arcy
Class. Mind you, I'm sure Hugh IRL is nice - but can you get nudey photos of Liz for us?
Sorry - in a funky Friday mood here!
__________________________
Make your choice, adventurous Stranger;
Strike the bell and bide the danger
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had.
Posted on: 05 December 2003 by ejl
The most recent Star Wars episode (whatever the hell it was called) is the first movie I remember walking out on (after 15 min). After 10 minutes, I realized that nothing that followed could possibly redeem the astonishing disaster of that film's opening...., erm, .."acting".
And to think Lucas did so well with kid actors in American Graffiti....
Posted on: 05 December 2003 by domfjbrown
quote:
Originally posted by Alan Scott:
You mean from my own private collection? 
Whoever's, so long as they're clean and large
He he he...
Star Wars 1 and 2 blew goats - but Natalie Portman's fit so that was worth it for me...
__________________________
Make your choice, adventurous Stranger;
Strike the bell and bide the danger
Or wonder, till it drives you mad,
What would have followed if you had.
Posted on: 05 December 2003 by Todd A
quote:
Originally posted by domfjbrown:
Armageddon's not THAT bad
Yes, yes it is that bad. There is not one redeeming thing about the movie. It does not work as an action film (whether serious or "tongue-in-cheek"), nor does it work merely as an acceptable diversion filled with nothing but lights and sounds. It is pure excrement. All extant copies should be melted down.
"The universe is change, life is opinion." Marcus Aurelius,
MeditationsPosted on: 05 December 2003 by Mike Sae
Of the crap movies of 2003, I think Matrix Revolutions and T3 were very, very bad but X2 was okay and good fun.
