Insults-with-artistic-merit thread?

Lady:..... ...... Sir you are very drunk.
W. Churchill:.. You madam a very ugly but I have the knowledge that I will be sober in the morning.

Keep talking I always yawn when I am interested.

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

Lady Nancy Astor:
Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put arsenic in your morning coffee.
Churchill:
Madam, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.

I always liked this one from Dorothy Parker on Kate Hepburn:

"She ran the gamut of emotions from A to B"

He has the IQ of a backward clam

He is so dense, light bends around him.

A lifetime ago when i was an apprentice engineer, one of our guys who always fancied himself on motorbikes/fast cars was known as "the hasbeen who never was"

Herbert Asquith's wife Margot's reply to Jean Harlow when asked about the pronunciation of her Christian name: 'The T is silent - as in Harlow'.

That's nice... give me a call and i'll give you my number!

Always liked this one from Aliens:

Hudson: Hey Vasquez, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

Vasquez: No, have you?

Journalist to Aristocatic Lady,

"I shall make a mental note of that."

Reply,

"On what?"

ATB from Fredrik

On an Army appraisal form:

"I would not breed from this man"

"He set himself consistently high standards and consistently fails to achieve them"

Phil

quote:

Originally posted by Phil Cork:
On an Army appraisal form:

"I would not breed from this man"

"He set himself consistently high standards and consistently fails to achieve them"

Phil

mm think it should be "He sets himself consistently low standards and consistently fails to achieve them"

I also like # His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
#

My old time fave:
"I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body."

- - - Walter Matthau (to Barbra Streisand)

During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson: "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!".
Stevenson called back "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!

'Charles Martel - Master of Wit and Repartie'

At the Circus on come the Clowns. Immediately one runs to man in the front row and, thrusting a microphone under his nose, says

“Are you the front end of an Ass?” “No”.
“Are you the back end of an Ass” “No”.
“Then, sir, you are no-end of an Ass!!”.

The audience collapse with laughter and the man feels a right prawn.

So he goes back the next night, determined to put the clown in his place if it happens again. It does. He doesn't.

So for the third night he decides to recruit professional help, and leafing through the Yellow Pages finds 'Charles Martel - Master of Wit and Repartie'.

So the third night the man goes back to the circus, but this time armed with 'Charles Martel - Master of Wit and Repartie'.

Enter the Clowns and make straight for the man, who this time has 'Charles Martel - Master of Wit and Repartie' next to him for moral support.

“Are you the front end of an Ass.” “No.”

“Are you the back end of an Ass.” “No.”

“Then, sir, I declare that you are no end of an Ass.”

The audience again collapes with laughter. The man turns embarrased and disappointed to 'Charles Martel - Master of Wit and Repartie' and asks, "Well, aren't you going to do anything?"

So 'Charles Martel - Master of Wit and Repartie' turns to the clown, winds himself up and proclaims ...

"Why don't you just f*ck off you red nosed, big shoed, little b*stard.”

Are you going to believe me, or what you see with your own eyes?

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

Time wounds all heels.

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of his head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

And I want to thank you for all the enjoyment you've taken out of it.

Why should I do anything for posterity? What has posterity ever done for me?

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you.

Churchill on Atlee:

"A modest man, with much to be modest about".

There's another one I remember, but I can't for the life of me recall who said it, and about whom (any info gratefully received): "He has delusions of adequacy".

Oscar Wilde once said: "Some people cause happiness wherever thyey go, others whenever they go".

And this all-time classic from Mark Twain: "Wagner's music is better than it sounds".

Oscar Wilde to Charles Dickens on a Crossing to America when he was seasick " I knew you would bring up something eventually"

quote:

Originally posted by Blueknowz:
Oscar Wilde to Charles Dickens on a Crossing to America when he was seasick " I knew you would bring up something eventually"

I doubt it. Charles Dickens died in 1851 and Oscar Wilde was born in 1854.

You're so vain. You probably think this song is about you.

Yes... take down a telegram, Bob. To Mr. Charlie Chaplin, Sennet Studios, Hollywood, California. Congrats stop. Have found only person in world less funny than you stop. Name Baldrick stop. Signed E. Blackadder stop. Oh, and put a P.S.: please, please, please stop

George, the day the war began I was cheesed off. Within ten minutes of you turning up, I had finished the cheese and moved on to the coffee and cigars, and at this late stage I am in a cab with two lady companions on my way to the Pink Pussycat in Lower Regent Street.

Men will follow this officer anywhere - mainly out of curiosity.

If you get this person to work for you, you will be very lucky.

If you haven't worked out who the course idiot is by day two, its you.

It's impossible to believe this person beat one million other sperm to the egg.

this is a quote from a fellow forumite. i think it's an excellent insult:

"You are more foul than the stench oozing from a camels rectum, you have as much decency as a Soho spiv and you are basically a moron devoid of all moral worth."

Fidelio

I think you should be banned for a few weeks to ram home the message that your sort of appreciation is not appreciated on this forum.