Favourite Groucho gags.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas i'll never know...

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour, which is probably more than she ever did!

two dogs

Ah well you can never have too much GM...

quote:

Originally posted by JamieWednesday:
two dogs

Ah well you can never have too much GM...

"The Queen and the duke were joined by tribal spiritual leader Bruce "Two Dogs" Bozsum and other Mohegans wearing deerskin leggings and headdresses made with turkey and eagle feathers at the memorial ceremony at Southwark Cathedral on Wednesday."

I thought I made it up ... perhaps I'm not going mad (Mother).

quote:

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

Groucho Marx hosted a TV Show called “You Bet Your Life", in which he uttered this gem.

Groucho: Why do you have so many children?
Female Contestant: Well, I love my husband very much.
Groucho: Hey, I enjoy a good cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Duck Soup

Rufus T. Firefly: Not that I care, but where is your husband?
Mrs. Teasdale: Why, he's dead.
Rufus T. Firefly: I bet he's just using that as an excuse.
Mrs. Teasdale: I was with him to the very end.
Rufus T. Firefly: No wonder he passed away.
Mrs. Teasdale: I held him in my arms and kissed him.
Rufus T. Firefly: Oh, I see, then it was murder. Will you marry me? Did he leave you any money? Answer the second question first.


A Night at the Opera

Otis B. Driftwood: I saw Mrs. Claypool first. Of course, her mother really saw her first but there's no point in bringing the Civil War into this.

Otis B. Driftwood: You're willing to pay him a thousand dollars a night just for singing? Why, you can get a phonograph record of Minnie the Moocher for 75 cents. And for a buck and a quarter, you can get Minnie.

Mrs. Claypool: Are you sure you have everything, Otis?
Otis B. Driftwood: Well, I haven't had any complaints yet.

I knew Doris Day before she became a virgin.

I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.........

How do you feel about women's rights ? I like either side of them

Spoken to margaret Dumont

I can see you bending over a warm stove ,but I cant see the stove

"Don't you know I was only with that woman because she reminds me of you?"

"If you don't like it you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff".

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Military justice is to justice is what Military music is to music.

Pick a card any card...
What shall I do with it??
Nothing,I have 52 left.....

...you've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Duck Soup-For your pleasure...



Duck Soup Script


[ Quacking ]



MRS. TEASDALE, I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER.
YES, YOUR EXCELLENCY ?



I'VE LOANED FREEDONIA
MORE THAN HALF THE FORTUNE MY HUSBAND LEFT ME.



I CONSIDER THAT MONEY LOST.
NOW YOU'RE ASKING FOR ANOTHER $ MILLION.



IT WOULD ONLY BE
FOR A FEW MONTHS.



WITH $ MILLION
IN THE TREASURY,



WE CAN ANNOUNCE A
REDUCTION IN TAXES.



I'M SORRY,
BUT I'M INCLINED TO AGREE WITH THE PEOPLE.



THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN MISMANAGED.
WHAT ?



I WILL LEND THE MONEY
ON CONDITION THAT HIS EXCELLENCY WITHDRAW...



AND PLACE THE GOVERNMENT
IN NEW HANDS.



YOU ASK ME TO GIVE UP MY OFFICE ?
YES, YOUR EXCELLENCY.



FREEDONIA NEEDS
A NEW LEADER,



A PROGRESSIVE,
FEARLESS FIGHTER.



A MAN LIKE RUFUS T. FIREFLY.
RUFUS T. FIREFLY ?



I WILL LEND THE MONEY
ONLY IF FIREFLY IS APPOINTED LEADER.



[ Fanfare ]



THE HONORABLE SECRETARY
OF FINANCE AND PARTY.



[ Fanfare ]



HIS EXCELLENCY, AMBASSADOR
TRENTINO OF SYLVANIA.



AMBASSADOR.
MRS. TEASDALE.



IT WAS SO GOOD
OF YOU TO COME.



I'M ANXIOUS FOR YOU
TO MEET THE NEW LEADER OF OUR COUNTRY.



NO MATTER WHO RULES,
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE FIRST LADY OF THE LAND.



OH, PERMIT ME.
MISS VERA MARCAL.



AMBASSADOR TRENTINO.
MISS MARCAL NEEDS NO INTRODUCTION.



I'VE SEEN HER DANCE MANY TIMES.
THANK YOU.



[ Fanfare ]



THE HONORABLE
PANDOOH OF MIFHTAN.



I MUST GREET
HIS HONOR.



WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND OUT ?
I'VE BEEN WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU.



I'VE GIVEN UP THE IDEA
OF A REVOLUTION. I HAVE A BETTER PLAN.



I CAN GAIN CONTROL
OF FREEDONIA EASIER BY MARRYING MRS. TEASDALE.



MAYBE THAT'S NOT GOING
TO BE SO EASY.



FROM WHAT I HEAR,
MRS. TEASDALE IS SWEET ON THIS RUFUS T. FIREFLY.



THAT'S WHERE YOU COME IN.
I'M GOING TO PLACE HIM IN YOUR HANDS.



AND I DON'T HAVE TO TELL
YOU WHAT TO -- CAREFUL.



I WANT YOU TO MEET HIS
EXCELLENCY'S SECRETARY.



BOB ROLAND. AMBASSADOR TRENTINO.
HOW DO YOU DO, SIR ?



MISS MARCAL.
WE'VE MET.



I HOPE HIS EXCELLENCY
GETS HERE SOON.



HIS EXCELLENCY
MAKES IT A POINT ALWAYS TO BE ON TIME.



AS LONG AS I'VE KNOWN HIM,
HE'S NEVER BEEN LATE.



HIS EXCELLENCY IS DUE
TO TAKE HIS STATION



BEGINNING HIS
NEW ADMINISTRATION



HE'LL MAKE HIS APPEARANCE
WHEN



THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
STRIKES TEN



WHEN THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
STRIKES TEN



ALL YOU LOYAL LADIES
AND YOU PATRIOTIC MEN



LET'S SING THE
NATIONAL ANTHEM WHEN



THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
STRIKES TEN



[ Chiming ]



[ Fanfare ]



HIS EXCELLENCY IS DUE
TO TAKE HIS STATION



BEGINNING A
NEW ADMINISTRATION



HE'LL MAKE HIS APPEARANCE
WHEN



THE CLOCK ON THE WALL
STRIKES TEN



WE'LL GIVE HIM
A ROUSING CHEER



TO SHOW HIM
WE'RE GLAD HE'S HERE



HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA



[ Fanfare ]



HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA



LAND OF THE BRAVE



AND FREE



[ Fanfare ]



HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA



LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE



[ Alarm ]



HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA



LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE



YOU EXPECTING SOMEBODY ?
YES.



HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA



LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE



OH, YOUR EXCELLENCY,
WE'VE BEEN EXPECTING YOU.



AS CHAIRWOMAN
OF THE RECEPTION,



I EXTEND THE GOOD WISHES OF
EVERY MAN, WOMAN AND CHILD OF FREEDONIA.



NEVER MIND THAT.
TAKE A CARD.



CARD ? WHAT'LL I DO WITH A CARD ?
KEEP IT. I'VE GOT LEFT.



WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ?
AS CHAIRWOMAN,



I WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN ARMS.
IS THAT SO ? HOW LATE DO YOU STAY OPEN ?



I'VE SPONSORED YOUR
APPOINTMENT BECAUSE I FEEL YOU ARE...



THE MOST ABLE STATESMAN IN ALL FREEDONIA.
THAT COVERS A LOT OF GROUND.



YOU COVER A LOT
OF GROUND YOURSELF. YOU BETTER BEAT IT.



I HEAR THEY'RE GONNA
TEAR YOU DOWN AND PUT UP AN OFFICE BUILDING.



YOU CAN LEAVE IN A TAXI.
IF YOU CAN'T GET A TAXI, YOU CAN LEAVE IN A HUFF.



IF THAT'S TOO SOON, YOU CAN
LEAVE IN A MINUTE AND A HUFF.



YOU HAVEN'T STOPPED TALKING
SINCE I CAME.



THE FUTURE OF FREEDONIA
RESTS ON YOU.



PROMISE ME YOU'LL
FOLLOW IN THE FOOTSTEPS OF MY HUSBAND.



I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE JOB
FIVE MINUTES AND ALREADY SHE'S MAKING ADVANCES TO ME.



WHERE IS YOUR HUSBAND ?
WHY... HE'S DEAD.



I'LL BET HE'S USING THAT
AS AN EXCUSE.



I WAS WITH HIM 'TIL THE VERY END.
NO WONDER HE PASSED AWAY.



I HELD HIM IN MY ARMS
AND KISSED HIM.



I SEE.
THEN IT WAS MURDER !



WILL YOU MARRY ME ?
DID HE LEAVE YOU MONEY ? ANSWER THE SECOND FIRST.



HE LEFT ME HIS ENTIRE FORTUNE.
IS THAT SO ?



CAN'T YOU SEE I'M
TRYING TO TELL YOU I LOVE YOU !



OH, YOUR EXCELLENCY !
YOU'RE NOT SO BAD YOURSELF.



I WANT TO PRESENT YOU
AMBASSADOR TRENTINO OF SYLVANIA.



HAVING HIM WITH US IS
INDEED A GREAT PLEASURE.



THANK YOU, BUT I CAN'T STAY VERY LONG.
THAT'S A GREATER PLEASURE.



HOW 'BOUT LENDING THIS
COUNTRY $ MILLION, YOU OLD SKINFLINT ?



$ MILLION IS A LOT OF MONEY.
I HAVE TO TAKE THAT UP WITH MY MINISTER OF FINANCE.



COULD YOU LET ME HAVE $ UNTIL PAYDAY ?
$ ?



YOU'LL GET IT BACK.
I'LL GIVE YOU MY NOTE FOR DAYS.



IF IT ISN'T PAID BY THEN,
KEEP THE NOTE.



YOUR EXCELLENCY,
HAVEN'T WE SEEN EACH OTHER SOMEWHERE BEFORE ?



I'M NOT SURE
I'M SEEING YOU NOW. MUST BE SOMETHING I ATE.



LOOK HERE ! ARE YOU TRYING TO --
DON'T LOOK NOW,



BUT THERE'S ONE MAN
TOO MANY IN THIS ROOM AND I THINK IT'S YOU.



I'M SO SORRY.



I WANT YOU TO MEET A VERY CHARMING LADY.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.



JUST A MOMENT.
I WANT TO PRESENT MISS VERA MARCAL.



GO AHEAD. I CAN TAKE IT.
OH, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.



THIS IS VERA MARCAL, THE FAMOUS DANCER.
IS THAT SO ?



CAN YOU DO THIS ONE ?



I DANCED BEFORE
NAPOLEON.



NO, NAPOLEON DANCED
BEFORE ME. HE DANCED YEARS BEFORE ME.



HERE'S ONE I PICKED UP
IN A DANCE HALL.



HERE'S ANOTHER ONE I
PICKED UP IN A DANCE HALL.



PERHAPS SOMETIME WE GET
A CHANCE TO DANCE TOGETHER ?



I COULD DANCE WITH YOU
'TIL THE COWS COME HOME.



I'D RATHER DANCE WITH
THE COWS 'TIL YOU COME HOME.



WHERE IS MY SECRETARY ?
HERE I AM.



GOOD HEAVENS !



TAKE A LETTER. MY DENTIST.
WHO TO ?



"DEAR DENTIST, ENCLOSED
FIND CHECK FOR $ ." SEND IT OFF IMMEDIATELY.



I'LL HAVE TO ENCLOSE THE CHECK FIRST.
YOU DO AND I'LL FIRE YOU.



YOUR EXCELLENCY,
THE EYES OF THE WORLD ARE UPON YOU.



NOTABLES FROM EVERY COUNTRY
ARE GATHERED IN YOUR HONOR.



THIS IS A GALA DAY
FOR YOU.



A GAL A DAY IS ENOUGH
FOR ME. I DON'T THINK I COULD HANDLE ANY MORE.



IF IT'S NOT
ASKING TOO MUCH...



FOR OUR INFORMATION
JUST FOR ILLUSTRATION



TELL US HOW YOU INTEND
TO RUN THE NATION



THESE ARE THE LAWS
OF MY ADMINISTRATION



NO ONE'S ALLOWED TO SMOKE
OR TELL A DIRTY JOKE



AND WHISTLING
IS FORBIDDEN



WE'RE NOT ALLOWED
TO TELL A DIRTY JOKE



HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA



IF CHEWING GUM IS CHEWED
THE CHEWER IS PURSUED



AND IN THE HOOSEGOW
HIDDEN



IF WE CHOOSE TO CHEW
WE'LL BE PURSUED



IF ANY FORM OF PLEASURE
IS EXHIBITED



REPORT TO ME AND
IT WILL BE PROHIBITED



I'LL PUT MY FOOT DOWN
SO SHALL IT BE



THIS IS THE LAND
OF THE FREE



THE LAST MAN NEARLY RUINED
THIS PLACE, HE DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT



IF YOU THINK THIS COUNTRY'S
BAD OFF NOW JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET THROUGH WITH IT







THE COUNTRY'S TAXES
MUST BE FIXED AND I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH IT



IF YOU THINK YOU'RE PAYING
TOO MUCH NOW JUST WAIT 'TIL I GET THROUGH WITH IT







I WILL NOT STAND FOR ANYTHING
THAT'S CROOKED OR UNFAIR



I'M STRICTLY ON THE UP AND UP
SO EVERYONE BEWARE



IF ANYONE'S CAUGHT
TAKING GRAFT AND I DON'T GET MY SHARE



WE STAND 'EM UP
AGAINST THE WALL AND POP GOES THE WEASEL



SO EVERYONE BEWARE
WHO'S CROOKED OR UNFAIR



NO ONE MUST TAKE
A BIT OF GRAFT UNLESS HE GETS HIS SHARE



IF ANY MAN SHOULD COME BETWEEN
A HUSBAND AND HIS BRIDE



WE FIND OUT
WHICH ONE SHE PREFERS BY LETTING HER DECIDE



IF SHE PREFERS THE OTHER MAN
THE HUSBAND STEPS OUTSIDE



WE STAND THEM UP
AGAINST THE WALL AND POP GOES THE WEASEL



THE HUSBAND STEPS OUTSIDE RELINQUISHES HIS BRIDE
AAAA



THEY STAND HIM UP AGAINST THE
WALL AND TAKE AWAY HIS BRIDE



YOU HAVE AN APPOINTMENT
AT THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES.



GOOD HEAVENS !
YOU CAN'T GO WITH YOUR TROUSERS UP !



I CAN'T, EH ?
THEY'LL NEVER CATCH ME ANY OTHER WAY.



MY CAR !
HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR !



- HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR.
- [ Fanfare ]



- HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR.
- [ Fanfare ]



I'M IN A HURRY.
IF YOU RUN OUT OF GAS, GET ETHYL.



IF ETHYL RUNS OUT, GET MABEL.
NOW STEP ON IT.



IT CERTAINLY FEELS GOOD
TO BE BACK AGAIN.



I HAVE FAILED, AMBASSADOR.
I KNOW IT, YOU IDIOT !



I'M SORRY.
YOU HAVE MUDDLED EVERYTHING.



IF YOU'D STARTED THE REVOLUTION
AS I PLANNED...



I COULD'VE STEPPED IN
AND PLACED FREEDONIA UNDER THE SYLVANIAN FLAG.



BUT FIREFLY BLOCKED US !



YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW POPULAR HE IS.
I'VE KNOWN OF THAT TOO.



THAT'S WHY I HAVE TWO SPIES
SHADOWING HIM.



I WANT TO FIND OUT SOMETHING
TO DISGRACE HIM.



TO DISCREDIT HIM
WITH THE PEOPLE.



AMBASSADOR, CHICOLINI
AND PINKY ARE HERE.



THESE ARE MY SPIES.
SHOW THEM IN. WAIT OUTSIDE.



WE FOOL YOU GOOD,
EH ?



GENTLEMEN !



[ Ringing ]



[ Ringing ]



GENTLEMEN,
WHAT IS THIS ?



SHH ! THIS IS SPY STUFF.
[ Ringing ]



[ Ringing ]



TELEGRAM FOR YOU, SIR.
OH.



HE GETS MAD BECAUSE HE CAN'T READ.
OH, I SEE.



GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE
SERIOUS MATTERS TO DISCUSS.



PLEASE BE SEATED.
ROCK-A-BYE



GENTLEMEN, ABOUT
THAT INFORMATION --



WAIT, HERE, HAVE A CIGAR.
THAT'S A GOOD QUARTER CIGAR.



I SMOKED THE OTHER THREE QUARTERS MYSELF.
NO, THANK YOU.



HERE, TRY
ONE OF THESE.



HERE,
THAT'S-A NO GOOD.



THAT'S-A GOOD !
THAT'S-A FINE.



THAT'S-A GOOD.



LET'S CONCENTRATE.



HAVE YOU BEEN
TRAILING FIREFLY ?



HA-HA !
HAVE WE BEEN TRAILING FIREFLY !



MY PARTNER HERE'S GOT A NOSE JUST LIKE A BLOODHOUND.
REALLY ?



AND THE REST OF HIS FACE
DON'T LOOK SO GOOD EITHER.



WE FIND OUT ALL ABOUT
THIS FIREFLY.



LOOK AT THIS.
AH, VERY GOOD !



WAIT. WE MUST NOT
BE DISTURBED.



YES, SIR ?
THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT CONFERENCE.



I DO NOT WISH TO BE INTERRUPTED.
YES, SIR.



[ Chicolini ]
UH-UH, UH-UH !



GENTLEMEN, WE ARE NOT
GETTING ANYWHERE.



YOU'RE OUT !



AH-AH-AH-AH-AH !
GENTLEMEN, PLEASE !



WILL YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU
FOUND OUT ABOUT FIREFLY ?



REMEMBER YOU GAVE US A PICTURE AND SAID "FOLLOW HIM" ?
OH YES.



WE GET ON THE JOB
RIGHT AWAY.



IN ONE HOUR, LESS THAN ONE HOUR,
YES ?



WE LOSE-A THE PICTCH.
THAT'S-A PRETTY QUICK WORK.



I ASKED YOU TO DIG UP
SOMETHING I CAN USE AGAINST FIREFLY.



DID YOU BRING ME
HIS RECORD ?



NO, NO !



[ Gunshot ]



AND THE BOY
GETS-A CIGAR.



CHICOLINI, I WANT
A DETAILED REPORT OF YOUR INVESTIGATION.



MONDAY, WE WATCH
FIREFLY'S HOUSE, BUT HE NO COME OUT.



HE WASN'T HOME.



TUESDAY, WE GO TO THE BALL GAME,
BUT HE FOOL US. HE NO SHOW UP.



WEDNESDAY, HE GO TO THE
BALL GAME, BUT WE FOOL HIM ! WE NO SHOW UP.



THURSDAY WAS A DOUBLEHEADER,
NOBODY SHOW UP.



FRIDAY, IT RAINED ALL DAY.
THERE WAS NO BALL GAME. WE LISTENED OVER THE RADIO.



YOU DIDN'T SHADOW FIREFLY !
WE SHADOW HIM ALL DAY.



WHAT DAY WAS THAT ?
"SHADDERDAY" !



THAT'S-A SOME JOKE,
HUH, BOSS ?



WILL YOU TELL ME, WHAT HAPPENED SATURDAY ?
I'M GLAD YOU ASKED ME.



WE FOLLOW THIS MAN
TO A ROAD HOUSE.



HE MEET A MARRIED LADY.
A MARRIED LADY ?



YEAH, I THINK IT WAS HIS WIFE.
FIREFLY HAS NO WIFE !



NO ?
NO !



YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK ?
I THINK WE FOLLOWED THE WRONG MAN.



OH, GENTLEMEN,
I AM DISAPPOINTED.



I ENTRUSTED YOU WITH A
MISSION OF GREAT IMPORTANCE AND YOU FAILED.



HOWEVER, I AM GOING TO
GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE.



I HAVE CREDENTIALS
THAT WILL GET YOU INTO ANY PLACE IN FREEDONIA.



IF I CAN ONLY --
AH, HERE WE ARE.



ARE YOU SURE THAT
YOU CAN TRAP FIREFLY ?



REMEMBER,
THIS TIME I EXPECT RESULTS.



GOOD-BYE AND GOOD LUCK.
OKAY, CAP.



COME ON, PINKY.
GOOD-BYE.



ALL RIGHT, THE
MEETING'S CALLED TO ORDER.



YOUR EXCELLENCY,
HERE'S THE TREASURY DEPARTMENT'S REPORT.



I HOPE YOU'LL
FIND IT CLEAR.



CLEAR ? WHY A
FOUR-YEAR-OLD CHILD COULD UNDERSTAND THIS REPORT.



FIND ME A FOUR-YEAR-OLD
CHILD. I CAN'T MAKE HEAD OR TAIL OUT OF IT.



MEMBERS OF THE CABINET,
WE'LL TAKE UP OLD BUSINESS.



I WISH TO DISCUSS THE TARIFF.
SIT DOWN, THAT'S NEW BUSINESS.



NO OLD BUSINESS ?
VERY WELL, WE'LL TAKE UP NEW BUSINESS.



ABOUT THAT TARIFF.
TOO LATE ! THAT'S OLD BUSINESS ALREADY.



AS YOUR SECRETARY OF WAR --
OUT OF ORDER !



WHICH REMINDS ME,
SO IS THE PLUMBING. MAKE A NOTE OF THAT.



NEVER MIND,
I'LL DO IT MYSELF.



THE DEPARTMENT OF LABOR
WISHES TO REPORT...



THAT THE WORKERS OF FREEDONIA
ARE DEMANDING SHORTER HOURS.



WE'LL GIVE THEM SHORTER
HOURS BY CUTTING THEIR LUNCH HOUR TO MINUTES.



GENTLEMEN, WE'VE
GOT TO START LOOKING FOR A NEW TREASURER.



YOU APPOINTED ONE LAST WEEK !
THAT'S THE ONE I'M LOOKING FOR.



GENTLEMEN, ENOUGH.
HOW ABOUT TAKING UP THE TAX ?



-HOW ABOUT TAKING UP THE CARPET?
-WE MUST TAKE UP THE TAX !



YOU'VE GOT TO TAKE UP
THE TAX BEFORE YOU CAN TAKE UP THE CARPET.



I GIVE MY TIME TO MY DUTIES
AND WHAT DO I GET ?



- YOU GET AWFULLY TIRESOME.
- SIR, YOU TRY MY PATIENCE.



YOU MUST COME OVER
AND TRY MINE SOME TIME.



THAT'S THE LAST STRAW !
I RESIGN. I WASH MY HANDS OF THE WHOLE BUSINESS.



YOU CAN WASH
YOUR NECK TOO.



PEANUTS !



HEY, COME HERE !



JUST THE GUY
I WANNA SEE.



WHAT DO YOU FIND OUT
ABOUT FIREFLY ?



YOU FIND OUT-A SOMETHING ?
YOU NO FIND OUT-A SOMETHING ?



YOU SPY ON HIM ?
YOU NO SPY ON HIM ?



WHAT'S-A MATTER ?
ALL THE TIME I TALK, YOU NO SAY-A NOTHING.



WHAT'S-A MATTER
YOU NO SPEAK ?



STOP-A THIS !
WHAT-A YOU FIND, EH ?



THAT'S-A NO GOOD !



HEY, COME HERE.
WHAT YOU MAKE A FACE FOR ?



COME ON,
YOU WANNA FIGHT ?



COME ON,
I GIVE YOU FIGHT.



UPSTAIRS THIS TIME,
NO DOWNSTAIRS.



COME ON.
WHAT YOU THINK YOU ARE, EH ?



WHAT'S THE IDEA
OF FIGHTIN' IN FRONT OF MY PLACE...



AND DRIVING MY CUSTOMERS AWAY ?
YOU GOT A MISTAKE SOMEPLACE.



I NO FIGHT.
THIS GUY HE'S-A WORKING FOR ME.



I ASK-A SOMETHING,
HE NO TELL-A ME NOTHING. ALL THE TIME HE NO SPEAK.



WHAT DO YOU THINK HE DO ? HE GO MAKE-A FIGHT.
WHAT'S THE IDEA ?



THAT'S-A NOT MY IDEA.
THAT'S-A HIS IDEA.



I SAY SOMETHING,
HE NO SAY NOTHING.



EVERY TIME I SPEAK --
WILL YOU SHUT UP !



WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' AROUND HERE ?
[ Honk ]



WHO ARE YA ?
[ Honk ]



CAN'T YOU -- CAN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING ?
[ Honk ]



HE NO SAY NOTHING, HE --
AW, SHUT UP !



I AM-A SHUT UP,
BUT YOU NO UNDERSTAND.



HE'S A SPY AND I'M A SPY.
HE WORK-A FOR ME.



I WANT HIM TO FIND OUT SOMETHING
BUT HE NO FIND OUT.



HOW AM I GONNA FIND OUT
WHAT I WANNA FIND OUT...



IF HE NO FIND OUT WHAT I GOTTA FIND OUT ?
WILL YOU QUIT ANNOYING ME ?



ALL RIGHT, I QUIT.
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS MAKE HIM STOP DOING THIS.



JUST FOR THAT I'M GONNA
TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB !



YOU'D THINK --



I NO SAY ONE THING, MISTER, BEFORE WHEN YOU --
NO, NO.



HAVEN'T I --



OH ! NOW,
NOW I'M GONNA GET YOU !



WHAT ARE
YOU DOIN' ?



[ Honk ]



WHY, YOU --
[ Honk ]



[ Laughing ]
[ Silence ]



[ Honk, Honk, Honk ]



[ Whistling ]



I'LL TEACH YOU TO KICK ME !
YOU DON'T HAVE TO TEACH ME. I KNOW HOW.



[ Chicolini ]
STOP IT NOW. LOOK OUT !



OHHH !
THAT'S-A GOOD, EH ?



PEANUTS !



HEY !



DO YOU WANT TO BE
A PUBLIC NUISANCE ?



SURE, HOW MUCH
DOES THE JOB PAY ?



I'VE GOT A GOOD MIND TO
JOIN A CLUB AND BEAT YOU OVER THE HEAD WITH IT.



PEANUTS... TO YOU !



HAVE YOU GOT A LICENSE ?
LICENSE ?



NO, BUT MY DOG,
HE'S GOTTA MILLIONS OF 'EM.



HE'S SOME SMART DOG.
HE WENT WITH ADMIRAL BYRD TO THE POLE.



I'LL BET THE DOG
GOT TO THE POLE FIRST.



YOU WIN.



COME UP.
I WANNA SCARE THE CABINET.



[ Ringing ]



HELLO ?
NO, HE'S NOT IN.



ALL RIGHT, I TELL HIM.
GOOD-BYE. THAT WAS FOR YOU.



I'M SORRY I'M NOT IN.
I WANT TO HAVE A LONG TALK WITH YOU.



YOU GIVE UP THAT SILLY
PEANUT STAND AND I'LL GET YOU A SOFT GOVERNMENT JOB.



HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB IN THE MINT ?
MINT ?



NO, NO.
I NO LIKE-A MINT.



WHAT OTHER FLAVOR YOU GOT ?
[ Ringing ]



HELLO ?
NO, NOT YET.



ALL RIGHT, I TELL HIM.
GOOD-BYE.



THAT WAS FOR YOU AGAIN.
I WONDER WHATEVER BECAME OF ME.



I SHOULD'VE BEEN BACK HERE
A LONG TIME AGO.



I'VE GOT A SWELL JOB FOR
YOU, BUT FIRST I HAVE TO ASK IMPORTANT QUESTIONS.



WHAT IS IT THAT HAS
FOUR PAIR OF PANTS,



LIVES IN PHILADELPHIA,



AND IT NEVER RAINS
BUT IT POURS ?



THAT'S A GOOD ONE. I GIVE YOU THREE GUESSES.
LET ME SEE.



HAS FOUR PAIR OF PANTS,
LIVES IN PHILADELPHIA.



MALE OR FEMALE ?
NO, I NO THINK SO.



IS HE DEAD ?
WHO ?



I DON'T KNOW. I GIVE UP !
I GIVE UP TOO.



NOW I ASK YOU
ANOTHER ONE.



WHAT IS IT GOT
BIG BLACK MOUSTACHE,



SMOKES A
BIG BLACK CIGAR...



AND HE'S A BIG PAIN IN THE NECK ?
DON'T TELL ME.



HAS A BIG
BLACK MOUSTACHE,



SMOKES A
BIG BLACK CIGAR,



AND IS A BIG
PAIN IN THE --



DOES HE WEAR GLASSES ?
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU GUESS IT QUICK.



JUST FOR THAT YOU DON'T GET THE JOB.
WHAT JOB ?



SECRETARY OF WAR !
ALL RIGHT, I TAKE IT.



[ Ringing ]



[ Honk, Honk ? ]



[ Honk, Honk ]



[ Honk ? ]



[ Honk ! ]



[ Honk Laughing
Honk ! ]



[ Whistle ]
I'D BE LOST WITHOUT A TELEPHONE.



DON'T GO AWAY,
I WANNA TALK TO YOU.



OH, YES, NOW THAT
YOU'RE SECRETARY OF WAR,



WHAT KIND OF AN ARMY DO YOU THINK WE OUGHTA HAVE ?
WE SHOULD HAVE A STANDING ARMY.



[ Firefly ]
WHY SHOULD WE HAVE A STANDING ARMY ?



THEN WE SAVE MONEY
ON CHAIRS !



[ Crashing ]



PEANUTS
[ Humming ]



SCAT !



SAY, WHO ARE YOU
ANYWAY ?



I DON'T GO IN MUCH
FOR MODERN ART.



HAVE YOU GOT ANYTHING
BY ONE OF THE OLD MASTERS ?



NOT BAD.



YOU DON'T HAPPEN TO HAVE
HER TELEPHONE NUMBER.



SAY, YOU COULD BE
A BIG HELP TO ME.



WHERE DO YOU LIVE ?



IT'S NOT MUCH OF A PLACE,
BUT IT'S HOME. MEOW !



[ Barking ]



I KNOW ONE THING,



I BET YOU HAVEN'T GOT
A PICTURE OF MY GRANDFATHER.



UH-UH ! NOT NOW.
SOME OTHER TIME.



[ Honk, Honk ]



YOUR EXCELLENCY ?
QUIET !



THIS LETTER'S THE WORK
OF TRENTINO.



THE MAN IS TRYING
TO UNDERMINE YOU. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ?



I'VE GOT A GOOD MIND TO
RING HIS DOORBELL AND RUN.



WE'VE GOT TO GET RID
OF THAT MAN AT ONCE. I'VE GOT A PLAN.



YOU SAY SOMETHING TO MAKE
HIM MAD AND HE'LL STRIKE YOU !



AND WE FORCE HIM TO LEAVE.
WHY COULDN'T YOU ARRANGE FOR ME TO STRIKE HIM ?



AMBASSADOR TRENTINO
IS A VERY SENSITIVE MAN.



HE'S VERY EASY
TO INSULT.



WHY, I SAID SOMETHING TO
VERA MARCAL IN HIS PRESENCE AND HE SLAPPED MY FACE.



WHY DIDN'T VERA SLAP YOUR FACE ?
SHE DID.



WHAT'D YOU SAY
TO HER ?



YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED. WHERE'D YOU HEAR THAT STORY ?
YOU TOLD IT TO ME.



OH YES !
I REMEMBER.



I SHOULD'VE SLAPPED
MRS. TEASDALE'S FACE WHEN SHE TOLD IT TO ME.



WHERE IS TRENTINO ?
AT MRS. TEASDALE'S TEA PARTY.



WAS I INVITED ? TAKE A LETTER.
NO.



YOU ARE CORDIALLY INVITED
TO ATTEND MY TEA PARTY.



SIGN MRS. TEASDALE'S NAME
AND TELL HER I ACCEPT.



COME ON, LET'S GO.



[ Fanfare ]
I'VE GOT AN APPOINTMENT TO INSULT AMBASSADOR TRENTINO.



I DON'T WANT TO
KEEP HIM WAITING. STEP ON IT !



THIS IS THE FIFTH TRIP
I'VE MADE TODAY AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ANYWHERE YET.



YOU DON'T SEEM TO BE
MAKING PROGRESS WITH MRS. TEASDALE, HUH ?



EVERY TIME I GET HER IN
THE RIGHT MOOD TO SAY "YES," FIREFLY POPS IN.



WELL, THIS IS
YOUR OPPORTUNITY. HE WON'T BE HERE TODAY.



ARE YOU SURE ?
POSITIVE !



I HELPED MRS. TEASDALE WITH THE INVITATIONS.
OH !



HIS EXCELLENCY,
RUFUS T. FIREFLY.



HAIL, HAIL FREEDONIA



LAND OF THE BRAVE
AND FREE



GLORIA, I CAN'T BE
PUT OFF ANY LONGER.



I LOVE YOU, I WANT YOU !
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M AT YOUR FEET ?



WHEN YOU GET THROUGH
WITH HER FEET, YOU CAN START ON MINE.



IF THAT ISN'T AN INSULT,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS.



GLORIA, I LOVE YOU.
I REALIZE HOW LONELY YOU ARE.



CAN'T WE GO SOMEPLACE
WHERE WE CAN BE BY OURSELVES ?



WHAT CAN THIS MUG OFFER YOU ?
WEALTH AND FAMILY ?



I CAN'T GIVE YOU WEALTH,
BUT... WE CAN HAVE A LITTLE FAMILY OF OUR OWN.



OH, RUFUS !



ALL I CAN OFFER YOU IS
A "ROOFUS" OVER YOUR HEAD.



YOUR EXCELLENCY, I REALLY
DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.



I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
IF I WAS IN YOUR PLACE. MAYBE YOU CAN SUGGEST SOMETHING.



YOU DO SUGGEST SOMETHING. TO ME YOU SUGGEST A BABOON.
WHAT ?



I'M SORRY I SAID THAT.
IT ISN'T FAIR TO THE REST OF THE BABOONS.



THIS MAN'S CONDUCT
IS INEXCUSABLE !



GENTLEMEN !
I DID NOT COME HERE TO BE INSULTED.



YOU SWINE !
COME AGAIN ?



YOU WORM !
ONCE MORE.



YOU UPSTART !
THAT'S IT !



Touche.
I'M AFRAID THIS REGRETTABLE OCCURRENCE...



MAY PLUNGE OUR COUNTRIES INTO WAR.
THIS IS TERRIBLE !



I'VE SAID ENOUGH.
I'M A MAN OF FEW WORDS.



I'M A MAN OF ONE WORD.
SCRAM !



A MAN DOESN'T LIVE WHO CAN
CALL A FIREFLY AN UPSTART.



THE MAYFLOWER WAS FULL
OF FIREFLYS... AND A FEW HORSEFLIES TOO.



THE FIREFLYS WERE
ON THE UPPER DECK...



AND THE HORSEFLIES
WERE ON THE FIREFLYS.



GOOD DAY, MY SWEET.
YOUR EXCELLENCY, I MUST SPEAK TO YOU !



I'LL SEE YOU AT THE THEATER.
I'LL HOLD YOUR SEAT 'TIL YOU GET THERE.



AFTER YOU GET THERE, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN.
HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR.



HIS EXCELLENCY'S CAR !



NO, YOU DON'T.
I'M NOT TAKING ANY MORE CHANCES.



YOU CAN ONLY FOOL
A FIREFLY TWICE. YOU RIDE IN THE SIDECAR.



THIS IS THE ONLY WAY
TO TRAVEL.



HEY, PINKY,
COME HERE.



WATCH-A THE STAND.
COME ON, PASTRAMI.



[ Silence ]



[ Whistling ]



[ Gasp ]
OH !



HEY !
HEY WHAT'S --



WHAT'S THE MATTER ?



I DEEPLY REGRET
THE UNFORTUNATE AFFAIR WITH HIS EXCELLENCY,



BUT HIS ATTITUDE LEFT ME
NO ALTERNATIVE.



MAYBE WE CAN STILL AVOID THIS TERRIBLE WAR.
IF WE ONLY COULD.



OH YES, I --
AH !



MRS. TEASDALE, I HAVE BEEN
RECALLED BY MY PRESIDENT.



THEN IT'S TOO LATE ?
NOT IF HIS EXCELLENCY WILL LISTEN TO REASON.



I AM PREPARED TO POCKET
MY PRIDE AND FORGET THE MATTER... IF HE IS.



THAT'S WONDERFUL BUT
I'M AFRAID HIS EXCELLENCY WON'T HEAR OF IT.



PERHAPS HE WILL
LISTEN TO YOU !



DO YOU THINK SO ?
YES, OF COURSE !



I'LL CALL HIM.
OH !



[ Ringing ]



I HATE TO DISTURB YOU,



BUT I MUST SEE YOU
AT ONCE.



WHERE ARE YOU ?
OH.



WHY NOT COME OVER HERE ?
COME IN THE BACK WAY. NO ONE WILL SEE YOU.



IF YOU THINK OF IT,
BRING SOME CHEESE.



YOUR EXCELLENCY,
YOU MUST COME OVER.



IT'S A LONG STORY.
I CAN'T TELL IT TO YOU OVER THE PHONE.



OH, IT'S THAT KIND
OF A STORY !



YOU OUGHTA BE ASHAMED.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.



HE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.
WAIT OUTSIDE 'TIL I'VE HAD A CHANCE TO TALK TO HIM.



WE'LL BE OUT HERE
IF YOU WANT US.



OH !
HOW'D YOU GET IN HERE ?



I'M SO SORRY
TO HAVE TO DISTURB YOU !



WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE ME ?
AFTER I LEAVE TONIGHT, WILL YOU FORGIVE ME ?



HERE ARE
THE PLANS OF WAR.



THEY'RE AS VALUABLE
AS YOUR LIFE AND THAT'S PUTTING THEM PRETTY CHEAP.



WATCH THEM LIKE A CAT
WATCHES HER KITTENS. HAVE YOU EVER HAD KITTENS ?



NO, OF COURSE NOT.
YOU'RE TOO BUSY PLAYING BRIDGE.



CAN'T YOU SEE I'M TRYING
TO TELL YOU, "I LOVE YOU."



WHY DON'T YOU MARRY ME ?
WHY, MARRY YOU ?



YOU TAKE ME
AND I'LL TAKE A VACATION.



I'LL NEED A VACATION
IF WE'RE GOING TO GET MARRIED.



MARRIED ! I CAN SEE YOU
BENDING OVER A HOT STOVE BUT I CAN'T SEE THE STOVE !



COME, COME, SAY THE WORD
AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN.



GLORIA.



RUFUS, WHAT ARE
YOU THINKING OF ?



OF ALL THE YEARS
I'VE WASTED COLLECTING STAMPS.



OH !



OH, I SUPPOSE YOU'LL THINK ME
A SENTIMENTAL OLD FLUFF,



BUT WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME A LOCK OF YOUR HAIR ?
A LOCK OF MY HAIR ?



OH, I HAD NO IDEA --



I'M LETTING YOU OFF EASY.
I WAS GONNA ASK FOR THE WHOLE WIG.



SO YOU'VE COME TO ASK
FOR CLEMENCY ?



THE AMBASSADOR'S HERE
ON A FRIENDLY VISIT. HE'S HAD A CHANGE OF HEART.



A LOT OF GOOD THAT'LL DO HIM.
HE'S STILL GOT THE SAME FACE.



I'M SORRY WE LOST OUR
TEMPERS. I'M WILLING TO FORGET IF YOU ARE.



FORGET ?
YOU ASK ME TO FORGET ?



A FIREFLY NEVER FORGETS.



WHY, MY ANCESTORS WOULD RISE
FROM THEIR GRAVES AND I'D ONLY HAVE TO BURY THEM AGAIN.



I'M GOING BACK AND CLEAN
THE CRACKERS OUT OF MY BED. I'M EXPECTING COMPANY.



PLEASE WAIT.
LET GO OF ME, YOU BULLY !



I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING
TO PREVENT THIS WAR.



IT'S TOO LATE.
I'VE ALREADY PAID A MONTH'S RENT ON THE BATTLEFIELD.



OH, YOUR EXCELLENCY,
ISN'T THERE SOMETHING I CAN DO ?



YES, BUT I'LL TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THAT LATER.



WON'T YOU RECONSIDER ?
PLEASE RELENT FOR MY SAKE.



WELL, MAYBE I AM
A LITTLE HEADSTRONG.



I COME BY IT HONESTLY. MY
FATHER WAS A LITTLE HEADSTRONG.



MY MOTHER WAS
A LITTLE ARMSTRONG.



THE HEADSTRONGS
MARRIED THE ARMSTRONGS AND THAT'S WHY DARKIES WERE BORN.



IT WAS SILLY OF ME
TO LOSE MY TEMPER...



ON ACCOUNT OF THAT
LITTLE THING YOU CALLED ME.



LITTLE THING I CALLED YOU ?
WHAT DID I CALL YOU ?



GOSH, I DON'T EVEN
REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.



WELL, DO YOU MEAN "WORM" ?
NO, THAT WASN'T IT.



I KNOW, "SWINE."
UH-UH.



NO, IT WAS A
SEVEN LETTER WORD.



OH YES, "UPSTART."
THAT'S IT. UPSTART.



MRS. TEASDALE,
THIS MAN IS IMPOSSIBLE.



MY COURSE IS CLEAR. THIS MEANS WAR !
OH !



YOU RUNT !
I STILL LIKE UPSTART THE BEST.



I SHAN'T STAY.
GO AND NEVER DARKEN MY TOWELS AGAIN !



MY HAT !
MY TOWEL !



I HAPPEN TO KNOW...



THAT FREEDONIA'S
PLANS OF WAR ARE IN MRS. TEASDALES POSSESSION.



I MUST GET HOLD OF THEM.
YES, BUT HOW ?



WE HAVE A WEEKEND GUEST
IN MRS. TEASDALE'S HOUSE.



MISS MARCAL.



GENTLEMEN, DO YOU MIND
WAITING FOR ME OUTSIDE ? I'LL JOIN YOU IN A MOMENT.



[ Ringing ]



EXCUSE ME.



HELLO ?



YES, I AM ALONE.
NO, NOT YET.



WE'VE GOT TO WORK FAST.
YOU MUST GET HOLD OF THOSE PLANS TONIGHT.



CHICOLINI AND HIS PARTNER
SHOULD BE THERE ANY MINUTE. DO EVERYTHING TO HELP THEM.



I MUST BE VERY CAREFUL.
THERE IS ANOTHER GUEST.



FIREFLY.
I THINK HE IS ASLEEP.



RING THE BELL.



[ Loud Ringing ]



PUSH THE BUTTON.



[ Doorbell ]



[ Doorbell ]



[ Doorbell ]



YOU GOTTA THE PLANS ?
NO, BUT THEY'RE SOMEWHERES IN THE HOUSE.



YOU MUST FIND THEM.
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T MAKE A SOUND.



IF YOU'RE FOUND, YOU'RE LOST.
YOU CRAZ', HOW CAN I BE LOST IF I'M FOUND ?



GOT A FLASHLIGHT ?



SHH ! SHH !



YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
SERIOUS THIS IS.



IF THEY CATCH YOU, YOU'LL
BE COURT-MARTIALED AND SHOT.



[ Mrs. Teasdale ]
OH, VERA !



I MUST GO BEFORE
SHE LOOKS FOR ME.



REMEMBER,
WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T MAKE A SOUND.



[ Chiming ]



[ Music Box ]



[ Ringing ]



[ Piano ]



[ Piano, Music Box, Ringing ]



[ Noises Stop ]



YOU STAY HERE,
BUT KEEP QUIET.



IF WE GET CAUGHT,
WE'RE GONNA GET, UH, COURT-PLASTERED.



[ Ringing ]



YOUR EXCELLENCY,
I'M WORRIED. I CAN'T SLEEP.



WHAT ? YOU'RE WORRIED ?
YOU CAN'T SLEEP ?



YOU WOKE ME UP.
NOW I CAN'T SLEEP.



IT'S ABOUT THOSE PLANS.
I WON'T REST UNTIL THEY'RE BACK IN YOUR HANDS.



WON'T YOU COME OVER
AND GET THEM ?



OH, THE PLANS.
I'LL BE RIGHT OVER.



LET ME OUT !
LET ME OUT !



[ Pounding ]
LET ME OUTTA HERE !



HEY, LET ME OUTTA HERE
OR THROW ME A MAGAZINE.



[ Pounding ]



SO THAT'S YOUR GAME, EH ?
I'LL HUFF AND I'LL PUFF...



AND I'LL BLOW YOUR DOOR IN.
[ Blowing ]



[ Knocking ]
COME IN.



OH, YOUR EXCELLENCY,
I'M SO GLAD YOU'VE COME.



I'M GLAD I COME TOO.
YOU GOTTA THE PLANS ?



WHY, YOUR EXCELLENCY,
YOU SOUND SO STRANGE. WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT ?



YOU SEE, MAYBE SOMETIME
I GO TO ITALY AND I'M PRACTICIN' THE LANGUAGE.



[ Pounding ]



I'LL SEE MY LAWYER
ABOUT THIS AS SOON AS HE GRADUATES FROM LAW SCHOOL.



[ Pounding ]



YOUR DIALECT IS PERFECT.
I COULD LISTEN TO YOU ALL NIGHT.



THAT'S ALL RIGHT, BUT I
CAN'T STAY HERE ALL NIGHT.



WHERE'S THE PLANS ?
THEY'RE IN THE SAFE DOWNSTAIRS. I'LL WRITE OUT THE COMBINATION.



OH, THERE YOU ARE.
HERE'S THE COMBINATION. IS THAT CLEAR ?



IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE
YOU WANT TO KNOW ?



WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU ?
HAVE YOU LOST YOUR VOICE

DON'T quote the above.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Ice Water? Get some Onions - that'll make your eyes water!

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Time wounds all heels.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.