What's your best (new) short joke?
Posted by: AL4N on 30 December 2002
Given that my memory is not what it used to be(I'm know in my 30's), what joke's can you offer that may have a chance of being remembered,
cheer's Alan
cheer's Alan
Posted on: 27 September 2003 by ErikL
Those in Germany have so much space that one has a man-made waterfall from his 2nd floor balcony to his living room, adjacent to the staircase. Bastards. 
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My favorite condom "joke" is the comment- "you're/that's as useful as a crocheted condom."
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My favorite condom "joke" is the comment- "you're/that's as useful as a crocheted condom."
Posted on: 28 September 2003 by Berlin Fritz
Hi Tom, I see your priorities have changed again, one wonders if Smart 1 will actually spot any Apollo Debris, not to mention footprints on her 6 months study of the cheescake, or will a Yankie Wirus upset her course ?
I used to know of a chap who could jump in and out of a barrel of eggs (standin jump mind) without crackin a shell, could have made a mint had he been a bit more Shwrewd !!!
Cheers,
Fritz Von Serioushangover
Graham Ricketts
I used to know of a chap who could jump in and out of a barrel of eggs (standin jump mind) without crackin a shell, could have made a mint had he been a bit more Shwrewd !!!
Cheers,
Fritz Von Serioushangover
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 30 September 2003 by Richard S
A priest in a small rural town was very proud of the ten chickens and one handsome cock he kept in a hen house behind the rectory.
One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time he heard rumours of illegal cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed he decided to say something during his sermon.
At mass the following morning he asked the congregation "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock ?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That's not what I meant. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock ?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh no" he said "That's not what I meant either. Who among you admits to having seen a cock that does not belong to you ?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh heavens " he said "Perhaps I should rephrase the question. Has anyone here seen my cock ?"
All the choirboys stood up.
I thank you !
One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the rooster was missing. At the same time he heard rumours of illegal cockfights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed he decided to say something during his sermon.
At mass the following morning he asked the congregation "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock ?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no" he said. "That's not what I meant. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock ?"
All the women stood up.
"Oh no" he said "That's not what I meant either. Who among you admits to having seen a cock that does not belong to you ?"
Half the women stood up.
"Oh heavens " he said "Perhaps I should rephrase the question. Has anyone here seen my cock ?"
All the choirboys stood up.
I thank you !
Posted on: 30 September 2003 by BLT
Scientists have discovered a food which reduces a Woman's sex drive by 90%, it's called Wedding Cake.
Posted on: 06 October 2003 by ErikL
Making Love
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently a tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies. "Zat is nutting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That ain't nuthin buddy. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."
The Italian says, "When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently a tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstasy."
The Frenchman replies. "Zat is nutting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That ain't nuthin buddy. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my wiener on the curtains. She hits the freakin' ceiling."
Posted on: 10 October 2003 by Berlin Fritz
What wiv the joke ov tryin t'get a Elvis Castella ticket 4 next weak, and a Stan Webb Chicken Shack jobby afterwards, I'm out of humour innit, that's wot them skinny burds put on toast innit.
Fritz the Pratt³
Graham Ricketts
Fritz the Pratt³
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 10 October 2003 by Dave J
I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.
moaner.
Posted on: 11 October 2003 by Rich Jerskey
Here's a toast to do on your favorite holiday. You gotta practice a few times when no one's listening.
"Here's to it and to it and to it again. If you don't get to do it when you get to it, you'll never get to it to do it again!"
Cheers!
"Here's to it and to it and to it again. If you don't get to do it when you get to it, you'll never get to it to do it again!"
Cheers!
Posted on: 12 October 2003 by Berlin Fritz
> A guy walks into a bar and notices a very large jar on
> the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
> The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in
> it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up
> with the jar?" "Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass
> three tests, you get all the money."
>
> The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are
> the three tests?"
> "Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules." So
> the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it
> into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you
> need to do. First you have to drink that entire
> gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...
> and you can't make a face while doing it. Second,
> there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
> You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
> Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has
> never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta
> make things right for her."
>
> The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm
> not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a
> gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things
> ..." "Your call," says the bartender,
> "but your money stays where it is."
>
> As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a
> few more, he asks "Wherez zatcteeqeelah?" He grabs
> the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
> Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't
> make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit
> bull is chained-up and soon all the people inside the bar
> hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear
> the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit
> bull yelping and then.... silence.
>
> Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he
> staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and
> large, bloody scratches all over his
> body.
> "Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore
> tooth?"
Fritz Innit.on bacon & mustard sarnies.
>
>
>
>
>
Graham Ricketts
> the counter and sees it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
> The man guesses there must be thousands of dollars in
> it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up
> with the jar?" "Well, you pay ten dollars and, if you pass
> three tests, you get all the money."
>
> The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are
> the three tests?"
> "Pay first," says the bartender. "Those are the rules." So
> the man gives him the $10 and the bartender drops it
> into the jar. "OK," the bartender says, "here's what you
> need to do. First you have to drink that entire
> gallon of pepper tequila... the whole thing, all at once...
> and you can't make a face while doing it. Second,
> there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth.
> You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands.
> Third, there's a 90 year-old woman upstairs who has
> never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta
> make things right for her."
>
> The man is stunned. "I know I paid my 10 bucks, but I'm
> not an idiot! I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a
> gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things
> ..." "Your call," says the bartender,
> "but your money stays where it is."
>
> As time goes on and the man has a few drinks, then a
> few more, he asks "Wherez zatcteeqeelah?" He grabs
> the gallon with both hands and downs it with a big slurp.
> Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't
> make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit
> bull is chained-up and soon all the people inside the bar
> hear a huge, noisy, scuffle going on outside. They hear
> the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit
> bull yelping and then.... silence.
>
> Just when they think the man surely must be dead, he
> staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and
> large, bloody scratches all over his
> body.
> "Now," he says, "where's the old woman with the sore
> tooth?"
Fritz Innit.on bacon & mustard sarnies.
>
>
>
>
>
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 13 October 2003 by Berlin Fritz
A couple of amusing recent newspaper articles shown by Jay Leno on his show last night.
One guy who couldn't get a drivers license in the States, stole the iderntity of another person to procore one. Unfortunately the guy's ID he took was a convicted Sex Offender, bad luck Mister.
Another headline read, Schitzophrenic Man recieves Two Life Sentences, and no we don't need a new thread telling everybody about how unfortuante a disease it is thank you girls.
Fritz ?
Graham Ricketts
One guy who couldn't get a drivers license in the States, stole the iderntity of another person to procore one. Unfortunately the guy's ID he took was a convicted Sex Offender, bad luck Mister.
Another headline read, Schitzophrenic Man recieves Two Life Sentences, and no we don't need a new thread telling everybody about how unfortuante a disease it is thank you girls.
Fritz ?
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 13 October 2003 by Berlin Fritz
A couple of amusing recent newspaper articles shown by Jay Leno on his show last night.
One guy who couldn't get a drivers license in the States, stole the iderntity of another person to procore one. Unfortunately the guy's ID he took was a convicted Sex Offender, bad luck Mister.
Another cracker was two "Chuckleheads" covering their faces with lemon juice in the belief that while's robbing a bank the camera's would only get blurred images of their faces, TRUE HONNIST:
Would I lie to You ?
Another headline read, Schitzophrenic Man recieves Two Life Sentences, and no we don't need a new thread telling everybody about how unfortuante a disease it is thank you girls.
Fritz ?
Graham Ricketts
One guy who couldn't get a drivers license in the States, stole the iderntity of another person to procore one. Unfortunately the guy's ID he took was a convicted Sex Offender, bad luck Mister.
Another cracker was two "Chuckleheads" covering their faces with lemon juice in the belief that while's robbing a bank the camera's would only get blurred images of their faces, TRUE HONNIST:
Would I lie to You ?
Another headline read, Schitzophrenic Man recieves Two Life Sentences, and no we don't need a new thread telling everybody about how unfortuante a disease it is thank you girls.
Fritz ?
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 13 October 2003 by Spock
For ChrisD
The "what's pink and hard" gag - I thought it was the Financial Times crossword so thanks for sorting me out
Spock
The "what's pink and hard" gag - I thought it was the Financial Times crossword so thanks for sorting me out
Spock
Posted on: 15 October 2003 by Greg Beatty
Three Irishmen walked out of a pub...
- GregB
Insert Witty Signature Line Here
- GregB
Insert Witty Signature Line Here
Posted on: 16 October 2003 by stevie d
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen,shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Stevie
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places.
Until that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Stevie
Posted on: 16 October 2003 by Berlin Fritz
quote:
Originally posted by Greg Beatty:
Three Irishmen walked out of a pub...
- GregB
Insert Witty Signature Line Here
That's a cracker t'be sure, I loved it, but on a slightly more serious note have a butchers at this site, one for the kids innit.
http://www.thecoolspot.gov/
Fritz Setting an example ?³
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 16 October 2003 by Berlin Fritz
As Lennon said "Opium is the Religion of the People" innit.
Fritz the Cheese.
Graham Ricketts
Fritz the Cheese.
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 17 October 2003 by blythe
Two cats are swimming across a river, one is called "One Two Three" and the other is called "Un Deux Trois" - which was the first to cross the river?
Answer: One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois Cat Sank...................
(I trust you did some basic French at school!!!!!)
Computers are supposed to work on 1's and 0's - in other words "Yes" or "No" - why does mine frequently say "Maybe"?......
Answer: One Two Three, because Un Deux Trois Cat Sank...................
(I trust you did some basic French at school!!!!!)
Computers are supposed to work on 1's and 0's - in other words "Yes" or "No" - why does mine frequently say "Maybe"?......
Posted on: 21 October 2003 by P
Q.What's the Popes surname?
A. Giorgianringo!
Hur hur
P
A. Giorgianringo!
Hur hur
P
Posted on: 22 October 2003 by Berlin Fritz
A FAIRY TALE FOR WOMEN OF THE 21st CENTURY
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
was accosted by large frog as she sat, thinking about the ecology of the unpolluted
pond in a GM free meadow at the back of her high-tech, solar powered castle. The frog looked long and hard at the princess. Then he hopped onto her Armani clad lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into a dapper, young prince. Then, my
sweet, we can marry and setup home in your castle with my mother. You can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and we will be happy ever after. That night,
as the princess prepared a rocket salad to go with the lightly sauteed frog legs,
seasoned in a white wine in an onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fucking think so.....
THE END
Fritz Von Blogger
Innit.
Graham Ricketts
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
was accosted by large frog as she sat, thinking about the ecology of the unpolluted
pond in a GM free meadow at the back of her high-tech, solar powered castle. The frog looked long and hard at the princess. Then he hopped onto her Armani clad lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into a dapper, young prince. Then, my
sweet, we can marry and setup home in your castle with my mother. You can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and we will be happy ever after. That night,
as the princess prepared a rocket salad to go with the lightly sauteed frog legs,
seasoned in a white wine in an onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
I don't fucking think so.....
THE END
Fritz Von Blogger
Innit.
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 22 October 2003 by count.d
A man decides to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends £5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home he stops at a news stand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29".
"I am actually 47". This makes him feel really good.
While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes, I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
Posted on: 22 October 2003 by BigH47
Fritz it was Karl Marx actually innit.
Posted on: 22 October 2003 by Berlin Fritz
Lenin quoted Marx as far as I'm aware innit ?
Fritz Von Highgate
Graham Ricketts
Fritz Von Highgate
Graham Ricketts
Posted on: 25 October 2003 by BigH47
But you said Lennon b4. I was just doing my usual getting fed up with the Beatles getting credited for every thing that happened in the 20th century.
Lenin may have been the source. My quotes search on Google came up with Karl Marx. (I know not the funniest brother).
Regards
Howard
Lenin may have been the source. My quotes search on Google came up with Karl Marx. (I know not the funniest brother).
Regards
Howard
Posted on: 09 November 2003 by Rich Jerskey
Inspired by thread "what cars do people own"
One day while driving his Porsche through the jungle Mr. Mouse heard some plaintive cries for help. As he drove over to where the sounds were originating from he noticed a big pit with an elephant trapped therein. Without hesitation, Mr. Mouse gingerly found a route down with his Porsche and was able to drive the poor elephant out to safety. The elephant as you can imagine was very appreciative. Well, it was not too long after the incident when Mr.Elephant was sauntering through a section of jungle when he heard some cries for help. Why, it sounded like his good friend Mr. Mouse! On arriving at the scene, he spied poor Mr. Mouse stranded in a pit but without his Porsche.
"Please help me I'm stuck" cried the mouse. Well, that kind hearted Mr. Elephant who never forgot a favor, straddled the pit and lowered his humongous "ramp" right down there so Mr. Mouse could just walk on out as happy as he pleased. The moral of this little tale: "Who needs a fancy sports car when you got a big dick?"
I guess this could be told in a kind of reverse way and have an accordingly inverse moral.
One day while driving his Porsche through the jungle Mr. Mouse heard some plaintive cries for help. As he drove over to where the sounds were originating from he noticed a big pit with an elephant trapped therein. Without hesitation, Mr. Mouse gingerly found a route down with his Porsche and was able to drive the poor elephant out to safety. The elephant as you can imagine was very appreciative. Well, it was not too long after the incident when Mr.Elephant was sauntering through a section of jungle when he heard some cries for help. Why, it sounded like his good friend Mr. Mouse! On arriving at the scene, he spied poor Mr. Mouse stranded in a pit but without his Porsche.
"Please help me I'm stuck" cried the mouse. Well, that kind hearted Mr. Elephant who never forgot a favor, straddled the pit and lowered his humongous "ramp" right down there so Mr. Mouse could just walk on out as happy as he pleased. The moral of this little tale: "Who needs a fancy sports car when you got a big dick?"
I guess this could be told in a kind of reverse way and have an accordingly inverse moral.
Posted on: 09 November 2003 by Berlin Fritz
quote:
Originally posted by BigH47:
But you said Lennon b4. I was just doing my usual getting fed up with the Beatles getting credited for every thing that happened in the 20th century.
Lenin may have been the source. My quotes search on Google came up with Karl Marx. (I know not the funniest brother).
T'was originally mean't to be a light play on words, but as usual with my attempts somebody else gets the last larf, do you have any German blood in you by any chance ?
Fritz Von Ithankyewplaymates
Regards
Howard
Graham Ricketts