What's your best (new) short joke?

What's the difference between a weasel and a stoat?
One's weasily recognised, the other's stoatally different!

Graham
Sorry for messing your joke

Howard

This jokette reminded me of American Football
for some reason ?


A Fairy told a married couple: " For being an exemplary married couple
for 25 years I will give you each a wish" "I want to travel around the world
with my dearest husband" said the wife. The Fairy moved her magic stick
and abracadabra! two tickets appeared on her hands. Now was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well....this moment is very romantic,
but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime. So.... I'm
my love, but....my wish is...to have a wife 30 years younger than me"

The wife was deeply disappointed but, a wish was a wish. The Fairy made
a circle with her magic stick and.... abracadabra! Suddenly the husband
was 90 years old. What is the lesson learned?: Men are bastards, but Fairies
are.......................... females!!!

Don't EVER try and mess with them!

Fritz Von Emanciüpazted :

Graham Ricketts

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins
to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen. MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?" MAN: "Yes." WOMAN: "I am at
the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is
it OK if I buy it?" MAN: "Sure . . . go ahead if you like it.
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004
models. I saw one I really liked." MAN "How much?" WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options." WOMAN: "Great!
Oh, and one more thing . . . the house we wanted last year is back on the
market. They're asking $950,000." MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an
offer of no more than $900,000." WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up and the other men in the locker
room are looking at him in astonishment. Then he asks: "Anyone know who this
phone belongs to?"

Fritz lushing it big style.

Graham Ricketts

Paddy pulls a good looking bird in a disco. He smooches a dance with her
and then tries it on with her. She says "You got no chance Paddy, I'm on
me menstruation cycle. He replies:- Oh dats fIne, Oiv got me moped I'll
follow you !

Straight in from a mate of moine down swindon way, and she's from Dublin, innit. Fritz Havin Breakfast

Graham Ricketts

George Bush met The Queen, and he turns round and says: "As I'm the President, I'm thinking of changing how my country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom"

The Queen replies "I'm sorry Mr Bush, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

George Bush thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?" To which the Queen replied "Again, to be a Principality you have
to bea Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr Bush". Bush thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replies "Sorry again, Mr Bush, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not
an Emperor."

Before George Bush could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country".

quote:

---

Originally posted by BigH47:
Graham
Sorry for messing your joke

Howard

---

Just to show off my German-ness: Marx said "Religion is the opium of the people." Lennon made a joke on that by changing it around a little.

Nowadays, people tend to get the meaning of Marx' dictum wrong. In his time, opium was a pain relief drug; in effect, Marx said religion is a vehicle for making life bearable for the people (by telling them that they shouldn't complain if this life stinks, as the afterlife will bring the happiness they're denied in their present life).

Spot on Markus. The whole paragraph (from The German Ideology IIRC) is much more nuanced than the "opium of the people" bit suggests, from memory something like, "Religion is the spirit of spiritless conditions, the sigh of the oppressed, the opium of the people".

Marx was a clever chap, and at times a wonderful writer. Shame nobody reads him any more.

-- Ian

What do Michael Jackson and Wal-Mart have in common?



Boys pants 1/2 off.

Have you heard the one about the porn stars site that was drowning in spam?

well its not exactly short, but its good.

A bit long winded but it's a gooden.


This bloke walks into a pub goes up to the bar and orders a white wine and sits down to relax. All of a sudden out of nowhere this music starts playing, it's the most beautiful music this guy has ever heard, were talking absolutely fantastic music here. The guy looks around the room to see if he can see where this music is coming from and over in the corner is this guy on the piano playing the music.

The man walks over to the piano player and begins talking to him:

Man: "that is one of the most beautiful pieces of music I have ever heard!"

Piano Player: "thanks"

Man: "what is the song called?"

Piano Player: "it's called Take it up The Arse You BITCH !"

Man: "you can't call it that!"

Piano Player: "look mate, i'm a piano player, I wrote the song, I'll call it what I like!"

Man: "ok, fair enough"

So the bloke walks back over to the bar and sits down and continues to drink his wine. 5 mins later he hears another piece of music, this song is EVEN better than the last one, it is THE MOST BEAUTIFUL piece of music the guy has ever heard, he is nearly brought to tears at the shear beauty of it. Curious again the man walks over to the piano player and asks what the song is called?

Piano Player: "this one is called I'm gonna cum on your chest you SLAG! "

Man: "you can't call it that!"

Piano Player: "look mate, I told you before, i'm a piano player, I wrote the song, I'll call it what I like!"

Man: "ok, fair enough, now look I have a problem. I'm having a big party this friday night with hundreds of guests and I haven't got a music act for the gig yet, I would love for you to come and play some music for the guests, I'll pay you well but on one condition"

Piano Player: "whats that?"

Man: "you can't tell any of the guests what the songs are called, they would be so offended if they found out"

Piano Player: "fair enough, see you on friday!"

So friday comes and all of the guy's guests have arrived, when the Piano Player walks in.

Man: "Great just in time, guests are here, piano is there, off you go!"

Piano Player: "I can't yet"

Man: "why the hell not?"

Piano Player: " well.....you see...............I can't play the piano until I have had a wank!"

Man: "you what?, don't be stupid, get up there and play the piano!"

Piano Player: "look mate, its just a thing I HAVE to do, if I don't have a wank I can't play the piano, thats just the way it is!"

Man: "Oh for gods sake, look theres the toilet, go in do your business and get out here and play the god damn piano"

Piano Player: "ok!"

So the piano player goes into the toilet to do his business, 10 mins later the is still in the toilet, the man is getting very frustrated by now and decides to go see what the hell is going on. He gets to the toilet and bangs on the door.

Man: "oight mate, come on the guests are waiting"

All of a sudden the door opens and out staggers the piano player looking an absolute state, his hair is all over the shot, his shirt is torn and ripped all over, his trousers are undone and he is tottaly covered in his own spunk.

Man: "Jesus look at the state of you, what do you think your playing at?"

Piano Player: "what?"

Man: "Do you know your dick's hanging out and your covered in spunk?"

Piano Player: "Know it mate?, I FUCKING WROTE IT!"

Overheard at the National Guard HQ, Atlanta GA.
" . . but Sir Tbilisi is not in Georgia. . . "

Roy T

When is it bed-time at Neverland ?

"When the big hand takes the little hand"


(Allegedly or whatever phrase is what is required - it's a joke !)

Why do blondes have bruises round their belly button ?

You think blond guys are clever ?

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
A: The autopsy started around 8.30pm.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing and autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in
a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practising law somewhere.

Fri´tz Von Swindon-Toon.

Graham Ricketts

Straight in from WA from my old Princess down Dublin way ?

It's hump day..

An Australian family of rugby supporters head out one Saturday to do
their Christmas shopping. Whilst in a sports shop, the son picks up an
England rugby shirt and says to his sister, "I've decided to be an
England supporter and I would like this for Christmas" His sister is
outraged by this and promptly whacks him round the head and says, "Go
talk to your mother" Off goes the little lad with the white rugby shirt
in hand and finds his mother. "Mum?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going
to be an England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas" The
mother is outraged at this, promptly whacks him around the head and
says, "Go talk to your father" Off he goes with the rugby shirt in hand
and finds his father. "Dad?" "Yes son?" "I've decided I'm going to be an
England supporter and I would like this shirt for Christmas". The father
is outraged and promptly whacks his son around the head and says "No son
of mine is ever going to be seen in THAT!" About half an hour later they
are all back in the car, heading towards home. The father turns to his
son and says "Son, I hope you've learned something today?"
The son says, "Yes dad I have" "I've only been an England supporter
for an hour and already I hate you Aussie b*st**ds

Cheers Mathew, that'll cheer your cockles old son, innit. Fritz Von Lektor

Graham Ricketts

> > Tom had been in business for 25 years and was finally sick of the
stress.
> >
> > He quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from
humanity
> > as possible.
> >
> > Saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month; otherwise it
> was
> > total peace and quiet.
> >
> > After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocked on
his
> > door. He opened it and there stood a huge, bearded man.
> >
> > "Name's Lars, your neighbour from forty miles up the road... Having a
> > Christmas party Friday night ... Thought you might like to come...About
> > 5:00..."
> >
> > "Great," said Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some
local
> > folks. Thank you."
> >
> > As Lars was leaving, he stopped and said, "Gotta warn ya... There's
gonna
> be
> > some drinkin'."
> >
> > "Not a problem," said Tom. "after 25 years in business, I can drink
with
> > the best of em."
> >
> > Again, as he started to leave, Lars stopped and said, "More 'n' likely
> gonna
> > be some fightin' too."
> >
> > Tom said, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright. I'll be
there.
> > Thanks again."
> >
> > Once again Lars turned from the door, saying "More'n likely be some wild
> > sex, too."
> >
> > "Now that's really not a problem," said Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've
> > been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way,
what
> > should I wear?"
> >
> > Lars stopped in the door again and said, "Whatever you want. Just gonna
> be
> > the two of us."

Fritz in splendid isolation.
> >
> >Piss. sorry about the gook, no time .
>

Graham Ricketts

Did you hear about the gay magician?

He vanished with a poof!

Women who read


A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,anchors, and
continues to read her book. Along comes a law enforcement officer in his
boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What
are you doing? "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but
I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll
have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge
you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you,"
says the officer." "That's true, but you have all the equipment." The officer
says, "Have a nice day!"

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also
think. Innit.

Fritz ?

Graham Ricketts

Women who read


A couple go on vacation to a fishing resort in northern Minnesota. The
husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing
and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance,anchors, and
continues to read her book. Along comes a law enforcement officer in his
boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What
are you doing? "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't it obvious?")
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but
I'm not fishing, I'm reading." "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll
have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge
you with sexual assault," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you,"
says the officer." "That's true, but you have all the equipment." The officer
says, "Have a nice day!"

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also
think. Innit.

Fritz ?

Graham Ricketts

Not really jokes as such, but brilliant childrens logic from sunday school 5th graders down in Ohio on the subject of history.

Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies.
Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have
a job, I guess.

Fritz Von Goethe:

There's plenty more @ Guess where, you got it !

http://graham.ricketts.bei.t-online.de

Graham Ricketts

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Woods turns to Wonder and says, "How is the singing career going?" Stevie Wonder replies: "Not too bad! How's the golf?" Woods replies: "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now." Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right. And Woods says: "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?" Wonder replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice." "But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice." Woods says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies: "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Once you agree to play, you can't back out or you forfeit the bet" Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night."

And check out yer drunken door opening skills:
http://vapaatila.net/alko/promillelukko/hutikka_v0_13.html

Have Fun, Fritz Von Infinnishasnorwegiansdon'tdrink

Graham Ricketts

Yes, we're defiatly not being watched!
oldie.

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.The bartender
can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles,
the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands
the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment
you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why
is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded
this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got
lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries
and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream.""No shit?"
says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued. "Yeah, so I picked up the frog
and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you
three wishes.'""Keep going!""I looked around to make sure I was alone and
gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous,
naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my
scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I
ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked,
What will be your second wish?'" "What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make
sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and
beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours! Afterwards,
as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking,
she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'

I looked at her and replied, How 'bout a little head?


Come again Fritz ?

Piss² The Mudfish joke was answered recently to me by a girlfriend who replied "Mudballs" innit.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Fritz Von Trainee Iraqi policemen don't understand any of the Slang ridden Machine Gun fire American English screamed at them by their teachers innit(?)