What's your best (new) short joke?

Talking of Old Farts !!!



Fritz Von Expublicschoolboy (Borstal Actually)

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move".
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

An englishman, an irishman and a scotsman walk into a bar, the barman says "what going on, is this some sort of joke?"

erm that was it, sorry

A brief collection of brief jokes (culled from various emails I've gotten):

1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was assaulted.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was brilliant.

7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

10. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Glad Wrap shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad, or maybe my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu. But I'm pretty sure it's Colin.

15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him $50. that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

17. I went to a seafood disco rave last week ... and pulled a mussel.

18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

19. A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um...well... I have five penises" replies the man. Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

"We're all going to Scarborough Fare" Latest Ditty from the Shed's Songbook innit. Fot those non Brits (I refer to Chelsea v Scarbourough )in next FA CUP round. Calling all Surbitonians please take note, there will be a violent cricket match on the green on sunday next, please avoid pushing in the sandwich queue, innit.

Fritz Von Andwelarfed

I'm just off to tend to my organic vegetable patch before milking the goat.
Simon

Never heard it called that before Simon

Ha!

Probably been mentioned:

What's the difference between a prostitute and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb!

Geoff

To avoid a repeat of the closest U.S. election in history President Bush was quoted as saying "This time around I wont vote for the other guy !!! "

Fritz Von Hillary'swettingherknickers

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the
city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint
pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of
Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big,
stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of
all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow
side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides
to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who
says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE
TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the Bobbie..."Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever
seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and
huge beds of gorgeous flowers all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he zips down and unburdens himself and is
greatly relieved.

As he goes back thru the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was really decent
of you....is that "British Hospitality?"




No its the French Embassy!!


Fritz Von Rathergoodithoughtinnit

I got a new car radio yesterday. It has voice
recognition.

You shout "soul" ....and it searches for a soul
station and starts playing soul music.

You shout "rock" and it plays rock and roll.

You shout "country" and it finds country music.



Some children ran in front of my car, causing me to
swerve at the last second.

I yelled out "F***ing kids". Now... my radio is
playing Michael Jackson.

That is the Question ?

Fritz Von Igotmyapartmentfrommichaeljacksonactually

Piss: It's true really; ask my No 1.

A woman once said that a man is like a deck of cards... you need:


A Heart to love him,

A Diamond to marry him,

A Club to smash his fucking head in,

A Spade to bury the bastard !


Fritz Von Abitharshithought

A TEST OF YOUR MORALITY AND ETHICS - (how's your ass?)


What would you do?



This test only has one question, but it's an important one.
Don't answer without giving it serious thought.
After the test you will be able to judge your moral turpitude.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional
situation, where you will have to make an important
decision. Remember, your answer must be honest but spontaneous.


Please scroll down slowly - this is important for the test to work correctly.



You're in Florida...



In Miami, to be exact.



There is chaos all around you - caused by a hurricane and flooding...



..torrents of water all over you.



You are a CNN photographer....

..in the middle of this disaster .....



... trying to take a Pulitzer prize-winning photo.

Houses and people are floating around you, disappearing into the water...




..nature showing its destructive power...... ripping everything away.




Suddenly you see a man, steering a big van...

He is fighting to prevent the van being washed away by the water and mud...



You look closer...



..and, suddenly, you recognize him - it's George W. Bush!

The raging waters are about to sweep him away, forever...

You have two options. You can save the life of George W., or you can shoot
the picture of your life...the death of the world's most powerful man.



So, here's the question: (Please give an honest answer)



Black & white or color?



Fritz Von Nottoohardforsomepeopleitrust ?

How can you tell if a drummer's stage riser is level ?

The dribble comes out of both sides of his mouth !

What goes bump in the night ?


Pissed guys like fritz on internet forums !


Fritz Von Hegotinwiththewrongcrowdofficer

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough,
as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor
and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go
home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be
the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in
a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the
job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a
beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4,
5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he
could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in
Manchester, Swindon, Coventry, Birmingham, Sunderland and anywhere in Wales.



BATS!

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in
fresh blood, and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling
him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some
sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. OK, follow me", he
said, and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down
through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest of trees.
Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him,
tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?"
he asked. "YES, YES, YES!!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good!,
said the first bat, "Because I fuckin' didn't!!"

Fritz Von Belfrybob'sbattyashellinnee

Spurs.

Fritz Von Andilarfed

Jeremy Beadle has a very small penis.
But on the other hand he doesn't.

Tony

Subject: a worldwide survey - don't take it too much to heart kids!

Last month, a worldwide survey was conducted by the UN the only question asked was:


"Would you please give your honest opinion about the solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was, not surprisingly, a huge failure because:


In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

and, in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.





WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)


To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"
"Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.

"Why"

"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" said the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"DID NOT!"

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN" INNIT !!!

THE PREPARATION

Friday Night is very much love-night for the Scottish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional
Scottish aphrodisiac - 12 pints, a black pudding supper and 3
pickled onions his mind set on one thing. LOVE! Or as he says
himself "ma nookie". His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous
excitement of a hard night's dominoes, he approaches his beloved
wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion - "any chance a ma
hole?" The good lady in question perhaps over excited by the
erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of picked onions
sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy
reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply "Awaity f*ck ya
bam".

FOREPLAY

Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the
male casting off his slightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his
wife, usually land skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed
singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant "Here we go, here we
go, here we go". Upon reaching the bed he comments proudly on this
rampant 8 incher. This is a classic example of alcohol induced
double vision.

INITIAL PROBLEMS

After 12 pints, sometimes the man's wee Willie Winkie is a trifle
reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a
blow to the man's self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful.
She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such
as "Ya useless bas*ard" or possibly "It never happens to the
Milkman". Oral sex is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He
approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, "How'd ya like to
put your teeth roon this?" The woman nods willingly and points
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside
tumbler. "On ye go" she says "but don't disturb me".

Unprepared by this slight rejection the man drives
enthusiastically to perform such a service for his wife. A
breakdown in communication often leads to problems. The man may
emerge from below, his face like a wet tomato, uttering a pointed
but tender rebuke, "Bas*ard, you could have told me it was your
bad week.

DOWN TO BUSINESS

Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again
alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man
decides which of his willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in
his excitement as he moves into his position he may suffer from
severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife
using the poetic phrase "Oh fu*k, I've shot ma load." If this does
occur it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by
uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing
her she's the nicest woman he's ever come across.

An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read the woman
likes to be spoken dirty to, says such things as "shi*e,
ar*ehole". The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away,
his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman
wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a
word of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in?". Given his
level of sexual expertise the Scotsman's ideal partner should be a
versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This takes the
form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big "man".

Eventually its all over. The man roles over, falls asleep, and
commences snoring like a pig. There's no one in the world performs
quite like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

Fritz Von A'nicketynacketynoo

Piss² Come again John ?

I just got this cracker in from my beautiful Dublin darlin who lives down Perth way.



This guy decides to have a party where his guests are asked to come as
different emotions e.g. fear etc.,

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and the host
opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what emotion
have you come as?" And the guy says," I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink." A few minutes later the next guest
arrives and the host opens the see a woman covered in a pink body stocking
with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts. He says to this
woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" She replies, "I'm
tickled pink." The host says, "I love it, come on in and join the party." A
couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time, and the host
opens the door to see two Irish blokes, Paddy and Mick, standing stark naked
one with his willy in a bowl of custard, and the other with his willy stuck
in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "What the hell are you doing?
You could get arrested standing like that out there in the street like that.
What emotion is this supposed to be????" Paddy replies,"Well, oim fking
discustard, and Mick here has just come in despair"

Fritz Von Nowdare'sating

On a tour of Scotland, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the west coast.
His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Glasgow Celtic jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Glasgow Rangers tops roared into view. Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Celtic fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore.......

It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach. Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard there were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true".

"I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal
harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."

He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct
contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows f**k all about shark fishing.
How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

posted Sat 14 February 04 17:52
Israel can't target civilians as a soldier who'll do it will find himself in prison for murder.
Israel can (and have to) target murderers who are planning to murder civilians in Israel. Israel have to target these murderers as the Palestinians authorities don't sentence them and don't put them in prison after they "sentence" them.

Arye

Fritz Von Andwhat'sforpudding ?