What's your best (new) short joke?

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were out golfing one fine morning. Moses went first and hit his ball towards the green. When it got to the water, the water parted and the ball proceeded up onto the green landing near the cup. Jesus was up next and hit the ball. When it came to the water, it
rolled along on top until it got to the green and rolled up near the cup. It was now the old man's turn. He pulled his driver back and swung hard hitting the ball right into the middle of the water. A fish appeared out of nowhere with the ball in its mouth, and swam to shore where a squirrel was
waiting. The fish popped the ball out of its mouth into the waiting squirrel's hands, and the squirrel ran with the ball and dropped it into the cup, making a hole in one. Jesus smiled, and then turned to the old man and said,

"Nice shot, dad!"


Fritz Von Fore

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical
engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of
the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and
trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not
knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified
and getting blocked somewhere.Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get
out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"

Fritz Von Remindsmeofthepaddedcellinnit

Piss: And yes, we know many of you wise guys have heard it all before, including every joke ever written, but some havent, that's why things are constantly repeated, repeated, repeated,

Me mate Manor Park Malcolme, reckons I'm a Chav ?

Fritz Von There'saratinthekitchenwhati'magonnado

2 sharks are swimming about in the sea. one says "i'm sick of eating fish all day and night" the 2nd shark replies "me too, fancy going to morcambe for a chinese.

a young spanish girl of 15 has baby twins but has to get rid of them as she needs to finish school. the twins, juan and amal are given up for adoption. 10 years later the spanish woman, now married yearns for the love of her lost children and confides in her husband that she wants to find the young boys but doesnt know what they look like. get the photos of them, the husband replies.but they're only babies on them the sobbing wife blurts out. youve seen juan-youve seen amal he says.

what were barn owls called before barns were invented?

The Chinese cockle-pickers were concerned about the warnings on the beach at Morecombe.

"Don't worry..." they were told "...if the water gets to knee high then you can leave the beach in plenty time"

Cockle-picking started but alas they all drowned for their driver, Nee-Hi, was sleeping in the van.

At New York's JFK airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, a calculator and log tables.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-g'bra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of an absolute value. They use secret code names like "x" and "y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns", but we have determined they belong to the common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

I like Bountys me !

Fritz Von Bringacaseofwinelikeweusedto

Police have found 20 pairs of shoes on Morecombe beach. But they were winkle pickers.

Tony

Doctor's Receptionist;

There's nothing worse than a snotty doctor's receptionist who
insists you tell her what is wrong in a room full of other patients.
I know you all have experienced this, and here's the way one old guy
handled it... An 86 year old man walked into a crowded doctor's office.
As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you
seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my penis,"
he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't
come into a crowded office and say things like that." "Why not? You asked
me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The receptionist replied,
"You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something
and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private." The
man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist
smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he
stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken
her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?" "I can't piss out of it."
The doctor's office erupted in laughter.


Fritz Von Mine'samackesonpal

A crusty old biker walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller
window "I want to open a damn checking account." The astonished woman
replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did
you say?""Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account
now!" says the biker."I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not
tolerated in this bank," the teller informs him. She then leaves the window
and goes over to the bank manager to inform her of the situation. The manage
agrees that the teller does not have to listen to foul language.They both
return to the window and the manager asks the old biker, "Sir, what seems to
be the problem here?""There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50
million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account
in this damn bank!""I see, " says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a
hard time ?


Fritz Von Steppenwolf

FORTUNE-TELLER: I have looked into your future and see much travel!
........................ unfortunately most of it to and from work!

How do you get t(w)oo wales in a mini ?

Drive across bloody bridge like !!!


Fritz Von There'slovelyboyobachinnit

An Englishman, an Irishman, a dog, two nuns and a stripper walk into a bar.

The barman says, "Is this some kind of fucking joke?"

These may have been here before, if you missed them the first time now is your chance to see them again.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational once again asked their readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the 2003 winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Howard

It says 'short' jokes, but I can't manage that I'm afraid. I haven't got through this entire thread yet, so apologises if I'm repeating anything.

HALLOWEEN
A couple were invited to a swanky masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice girl he could, grabbing a little feel here, and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and, as she was rather a seductive lass, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After a bit more to drink he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away home, put the costume away, and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would give for his outrageous behaviour. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other blokes, so we went into the spare room and played cards all evening."
Then she said with unashamed sarcasm, "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing cards all night!"
The husband responded, "Actually I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had a whale of a time."

OLD COUPLE

An old lady and an old man living in a residential home get close, they meet each other for an hour every lunchtime and as they are too old and frail to have sex, the old lady just sits & holds the old guys tackle. This goes on for months and both are very happy until one afternoon the old man doesn`t turn up. Two or three days go by and the old lady gets worried. On the fourth day she decides to go looking for the man and finds him sitting with another old lady. Devastated by this she demands to know what this lady has that she doesn't. 
"Parkinson's", grinned the old guy.

Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman talking about their wives...
Englishman..."My wife's really stupid, she's just spent £100 on meat and we haven't even got a freezer".
Scotsman..."My wife can top that. She's just spent £17000 on a car and she can't even drive"
Irishman..."You don't know when you're born. My wife is thicker than that. She's off to Spain on holiday with her mates and I watched her pack. She put at least 100 condoms in her case and she hasn't even got a dick"

Some football commentator quotes....

Des Lynam:
More football later, but first let's see the goals from the Scottish Cup Final

Elton Welsby:
And now the goals from Carrow Road, where it finished 0-0

Terry Venables as China organised a wall in a match versus Brazil:
Of all the teams in the World Cup you'd of thought China would be the best at building a wall

1994 World Cup in USA. Matt Lorenzo speaking with Don Howe at half time:
Matt.. "So then Don, tell us about the misses?"
Don.. "She's fine thanks, really enjoying her holiday"

More commentator stuff....

21 June, Shizuoka, 7.39am BST):
John Motson (barely able to contain his excitement): "And don't choke on your Shredded Wheat or your Puffa Puffa Rice or your Alpen Original, should you prefer that, and I must say I do when I'm having breakfast, which I would be if I was at home in Hertfordshire, because there's quite a time difference here... but England have a penalty here... in the World Cup quarter-final! "In fact there might just be time for those of you at home to pour yourself a second cup of tea, or even pay a quick visit to the lavatory, or possibly clean your teeth, but probably not have a shower or a shave, which obviously doesn't include the ladies among you, hahaha, because Michael Owen is being treated for a knock he took when he was cynically scythed down there ... Trevor!"
Trevor Brooking: "I'm not absolutely sure, but I think it might have been a dive."
Motson: "Well, the replay should clear that up. Now Trevor, you're wonderful at the sums, hahaha, so tell us what the implications are now that we – that is England, although after commentating on England for almost 30 years you can't blame me for getting slightly partisan here – have this penalty."
Brooking: "Well, if England score, it will be 1-0. If they miss, it will stay 0-0."
Motson (in wonderment): "I had a feeling, ha, that you'd have worked that out.' (Shizuoka, 8.20am BST):

Gary Lineker (mugging to camera): "And they said it couldn't get any better. England 2-0 up at half-time. We didn't expect that. Alan."
Alan Hansen: "Incredible. Terrific. Magnificent. Phenomenal. Stupendous. Awesome. Fabulous. Unbelievable. Having said that, the two goals were down to the worst defending in the history of the world. Shocking. Useless. Wretched. Scandalous. Lamentable. Calamitous."
Martin O'Neill (talking to Alan but not looking at him): "When you say the worst defending in the history of the world, I don't think you're taking into account the Maginot Line, which was not only much worse, but arguably more significant in the scheme of things."
Lineker (mugging to camera): "Right. Let's move on. Reidy, was it a penalty?"
O'Neill (still talking to Alan, still not looking at him): "And do you really mean the history of the world? The entire world? Its entire history? Right back to Paleolithic times? That's quite ridiculous hyperbole."
Peter Reid (surprised): "For me, the boy Hyperbole played quite well."

Meanwhile, over on ITV...
Des Lynam (raising an eyebrow to camera): "Still with us? Nothing better to do? [Perfectly-timed pause]. Terry, what did you think of that?"
Terry Venables: "I thought we done 'em up the flanks. You can't give Trevor Sinclair that much space. I thought he were terrific, in fact they was all terrific."
Lynam: "Paul?"
Paul Gascoigne (scrutinising notes): "弃(omega)(sum)ø Tel µ(omega)ø¼çß ßå(omega) Shem ¥å(sum)¼ their No 9 œµ Tel å¼(omega) our No 7..."
Venables (nodding vehemently): "That's right."

Meanwhile, back on BBC1...
Motson: "And the half-time news here in Shizuoka is that Darius Vassell is coming on for England, in place of Michael Owen who suffered a knee injury when being cruelly felled in that penalty incident. Trevor."
Brooking: "I still think it was probably a dive. As for Vassell, I can't be sure, but I think England will more than likely keep the same shape."
Motson (in awe): "Well, you're the one good at sums, Trevor. Haha. And here we go. England are within 45 minutes of the World Cup semi-final here. Can Sven Goran Eriksson bring home the bacon? Whatever happens, I can almost hear it sizzling back in England..."

America's Bible belt "Born Again Virgins"


Fritz Von Nothingchanges

Subject: Miss Bea

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was much admired for her sweetness an kindness to all. The pastor came to
call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her
Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all
things, a condom. Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity!
Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...! When she returned with tea and
cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about
the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him,
and he could resist no longer. "Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would
tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).! "Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't
it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package
on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it
would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter." innit:

Fritz Von Hellsbells

New York's ashtray Police Swat Teams:


Fritz Von Midnighttokers

Upper Management Training

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his
shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to thewaiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position: Come in, drink coffee,shoot shit, leave mess for others to clean up,disappear for rest of day.

A Jewish Parrot

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son,
"Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room,but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son,
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son,
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."