What's your best (new) short joke?
Posted by: AL4N on 30 December 2002
Given that my memory is not what it used to be(I'm know in my 30's), what joke's can you offer that may have a chance of being remembered,
cheer's Alan
cheer's Alan
Posted on: 27 February 2004 by Berlin Fritz
Two Chinese sharks hit the Mersey estuary for a liver dinner. 
Posted on: 28 February 2004 by cunningplan
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean,the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,"he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean,the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,"he couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight,"
Posted on: 29 February 2004 by quincy
An Irishman reverses his car into a car boot sale and ends up getting 25 quid for the engine.
Posted on: 15 March 2004 by jason.g
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LEICESTER CITY FC AND MAN UTD?
LEICESTER STILL HAVE PLAYERS IN EUROPE.
(it worked last week)
what were barn owls called before barns were invented?
LEICESTER STILL HAVE PLAYERS IN EUROPE.
(it worked last week)
what were barn owls called before barns were invented?
Posted on: 17 March 2004 by jason.g
Paul Mcartney got Heather Mills a state of the art prosthetic limb for xmas. It wasdnt her main present, just a stocking filler.
Paul Mcartney got Heather Mills a plane for her birthday. and a bottle of imac for the other leg.
what were barn owls called before barns were invented?
Paul Mcartney got Heather Mills a plane for her birthday. and a bottle of imac for the other leg.
what were barn owls called before barns were invented?
Posted on: 17 March 2004 by long-time-dead
It's midnight in the McCartney household and all of a sudden - CLUNK
"What's that ?" asks Paul
"Me getting my leg over" was the reply.......
"What's that ?" asks Paul
"Me getting my leg over" was the reply.......
Posted on: 23 March 2004 by Tony Lockhart
Tom,
It was aimed more at his current relationship.
Tony
It was aimed more at his current relationship.
Tony
Posted on: 24 March 2004 by JonR
What's white and can't climb trees?
A fridge.
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Essex girl joke (remember them?)...
What protection do Essex girls use when having sex?
A bus shelter.
A fridge.
Why do ducks have flat feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Essex girl joke (remember them?)...
What protection do Essex girls use when having sex?
A bus shelter.
Posted on: 25 March 2004 by Mat Bon 0013
Drank alot last night, why am I still thirsty today 
Posted on: 25 March 2004 by domfjbrown
Nightime in the Blobby household:
Mrs Blobby "Blib blob blobub blurb blib bloboblib"
Mr Blobby "Shut up and swallow, damnit!"
__________________________
Don't wanna be cremated or buried in a grave
Just dump me in a plastic bag and leave me on the pavement
A tribute to your modern world, your great society
I'm just another victim of your highrise fantasy!
Mrs Blobby "Blib blob blobub blurb blib bloboblib"
Mr Blobby "Shut up and swallow, damnit!"
__________________________
Don't wanna be cremated or buried in a grave
Just dump me in a plastic bag and leave me on the pavement
A tribute to your modern world, your great society
I'm just another victim of your highrise fantasy!
Posted on: 26 March 2004 by AL4N
a man love his wife so much that he decides to get her initials tattooed on his butt,her name was betty booth,so off he went to get the job done, one initial on each cheek.That night he takes off his pj's and say's"i've got a surprise for you dear"
his wife looks up and says "that's nice,but who's BOB?"
his wife looks up and says "that's nice,but who's BOB?"
Posted on: 03 April 2004 by hicapman
A guy walks into a bar......
Ouch!
Ouch!
Posted on: 07 April 2004 by minime
why are arsenal the housewife's choice?
because they stay on top for ages then come second.
because they stay on top for ages then come second.
Posted on: 14 April 2004 by Berlin Fritz
"When is a jar not a jar ?"
When it's a door.
When it's a door.
Posted on: 14 April 2004 by Berlin Fritz
My tap's have been phoned.
Fritz von michaelhowardisdangerous²
Fritz von michaelhowardisdangerous²
Posted on: 27 April 2004 by Tony Lockhart
How do you tell if a woman is ticklish?
Give her a test tickle.
Tony
Give her a test tickle.
Tony
Posted on: 03 May 2004 by rodwsmith
How many hamsters does it take to wallpaper a room?
Only one, but you have to slice it very, very thinly.
Only one, but you have to slice it very, very thinly.
Posted on: 03 May 2004 by ErikL
Oh my.
How do you catch a unique bird?
You 'neak up on it.
How do you catch a unique bird?
You 'neak up on it.
Posted on: 03 May 2004 by ErikL
How do you catch a tame bird?
Tame way!
Tame way!
Posted on: 03 May 2004 by ErikL
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quattro sinko.
Quattro sinko.
Posted on: 03 May 2004 by ErikL
What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
Subordinate Clauses.
Posted on: 10 May 2004 by Robmark
Charles was a young man who was due to inherit a fortune from his sickly widower father. Charles had always been shy, but relised he wanted a woman to share his life and his wealth.
Charles attended a single's bar. After some time there he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary bloke," he said, walking up to her. "But in the next week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit $20million."
That night the woman went home with Charles.
The next day she became his step-mother.
Charles attended a single's bar. After some time there he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
"I'm just an ordinary bloke," he said, walking up to her. "But in the next week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit $20million."
That night the woman went home with Charles.
The next day she became his step-mother.
Posted on: 17 May 2004 by BLT
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an
aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.". So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks abit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex Then Sean says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
Lulu, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Lulu said, "Sean, if Ah'm no bein too forward, Ah'd love tae hae sex wi an
aulder man. Let's go back tae mah place.". So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have even better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my baws in your left hand and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu looks abit perplexed, but says, "Okay." He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex Then Sean says,"Lulu, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. But again, hold my baws in your left hand, and my wullie in your right hand." Lulu is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing. Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Lulu asks "Sean, tell me, dis mah haudin yer baws in mah left hand and yer wullie in mah right stimulate ye while ye're sleepin?" Sean replies, "No, but the lasht time I shlept with a Glashwegian, she shtole my wallet."
Posted on: 21 May 2004 by JonR
From a letter in today's Metro regarding the 'purple powder' affair:
"So, after all the rumours of political isolation, Tony Blair has finally been marooned." [GROAN
]
"So, after all the rumours of political isolation, Tony Blair has finally been marooned." [GROAN
]Posted on: 27 May 2004 by long-time-dead
Martin O'Neill exits Celtic Park clutching both the Premier League and Scottish Cup trophies....
A beautiful young girl approaches him, lifts her skirt and pulls her knickers to her knees.
"Can I have your autograph here please ?" she asks, pointing under her skirt.
"Sorry love" Martin replies "You'll need to go to Ibrox"
"Why ?"
Martin replies "It's McLeish that signs all the fannies in Glasgow"
(Bhoyo - please translate to those over the pond !)
A beautiful young girl approaches him, lifts her skirt and pulls her knickers to her knees.
"Can I have your autograph here please ?" she asks, pointing under her skirt.
"Sorry love" Martin replies "You'll need to go to Ibrox"
"Why ?"
Martin replies "It's McLeish that signs all the fannies in Glasgow"
(Bhoyo - please translate to those over the pond !)