What's your best (new) short joke?
Posted by: AL4N on 30 December 2002
Given that my memory is not what it used to be(I'm know in my 30's), what joke's can you offer that may have a chance of being remembered,
cheer's Alan
cheer's Alan
Posted on: 27 May 2004 by rodwsmith
Could be easier said than done...
"Fanny" in American means bum. Something I only discovered years ago in the States after being very alarmed hearing a teacher shovelling kids onto a bus and saying "if you don't get a move on I'll slap your fanny"
"Fanny" in American means bum. Something I only discovered years ago in the States after being very alarmed hearing a teacher shovelling kids onto a bus and saying "if you don't get a move on I'll slap your fanny"
Posted on: 27 May 2004 by Bhoyo
quote:
Originally posted by long-time-dead:
Martin replies "It's McLeish that signs all the fannies in Glasgow"
(Bhoyo - please translate to those over the pond !)
Posted on: 27 May 2004 by undertone
Short joke:
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Irish joke:
American goes into a pub in Ireland and orders a Guiness. Bartender says 2 punt please! American gives him 2 pounds and as he is paying say's to the bartender "why do the Irish call the Pound punt?". Bartender thinks for a few seconds and say's "because it rhymes with bank manager!".
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
Irish joke:
American goes into a pub in Ireland and orders a Guiness. Bartender says 2 punt please! American gives him 2 pounds and as he is paying say's to the bartender "why do the Irish call the Pound punt?". Bartender thinks for a few seconds and say's "because it rhymes with bank manager!".
Posted on: 27 May 2004 by ErikL
What did George Bush get on his SATs?
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Drool.
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Drool.
Posted on: 28 May 2004 by greeny
guess who I bumped into at the opticians today?
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Everyone.
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Everyone.
Posted on: 28 May 2004 by tones
George Bush
Posted on: 28 May 2004 by quincy
A bloke on his way home from work in Leeds comes to a dead halt in traffic on Kirkstall Road, and thinks to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's moving."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies: "It's a Man U fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Arsenal, and been knocked out of Europe and the prospect of winning f*** all after mouthing off all season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job, I'm walking around taking a collection for him." "Oh really?" says the executive "How much have you collected so far?"
"Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks: "Officer what's the hold up?"
The officer replies: "It's a Man U fan, he's just so depressed about losing the premiership to Arsenal, and been knocked out of Europe and the prospect of winning f*** all after mouthing off all season, he's threatening to douse himself in petrol and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, his mates are all laughing at him and he has never had a job, I'm walking around taking a collection for him." "Oh really?" says the executive "How much have you collected so far?"
"Only about 1/2 a litre, but a lot of people are still siphoning."
Posted on: 09 June 2004 by Markus S
Car industry shocker! In a surprise announcement, Volkswagen and Ford have announced a merger. This also means that the cars they make will be blended into a single range.
Aparrently, plans are most advanced for the small cars. The new model, which replaces both the Polo and the Fiesta, will be called the Poliesta ...
Aparrently, plans are most advanced for the small cars. The new model, which replaces both the Polo and the Fiesta, will be called the Poliesta ...
Posted on: 09 June 2004 by Mekon
The Aristocrats.
Posted on: 09 June 2004 by matthewr
Way to go Pete -- some nice paedophilia jokes there.
Posted on: 09 June 2004 by roger poll
Not funny Pete, not funny at all.
Posted on: 09 June 2004 by Geoff C
Pete, if your best short jokes are ones about sick child murderers, then you really should be ashamed of yourself.
Posted on: 09 June 2004 by rodwsmith
Dire Straits to Reform!
Although Mark-Knopfler-less, the remaining members of Dire Straits have announced that they are to get back together and have invited Chris Rea to take over the Knoplfer role.
Legal constraints forbid the use of the original name, but work is nearly finished on the new album from: Dire-Rea.
Although Mark-Knopfler-less, the remaining members of Dire Straits have announced that they are to get back together and have invited Chris Rea to take over the Knoplfer role.
Legal constraints forbid the use of the original name, but work is nearly finished on the new album from: Dire-Rea.
Posted on: 09 June 2004 by Steve Toy
quote:
Car industry shocker! In a surprise announcement, Volkswagen and Ford have announced a merger. This also means that the cars they make will be blended into a single range.
Aparrently, plans are most advanced for the small cars. The new model, which replaces both the Polo and the Fiesta, will be called the Poliesta ...
Further up, the merger will result in job losses at middle and senior management levels. However, most of the losses will take the form of voluntary redundancy and payouts will be generous, so early retirement will mean more leisure time, and those affected will simply focus on their golf
Regards,
Steve.
Posted on: 09 June 2004 by long-time-dead
I'll pass atthat one and return to the fiesta....
<Collective Groan>
<Collective Groan>
Posted on: 10 June 2004 by Berlin Fritz
Removing comments from links one doesnt like.
Fritz Von Unsuprised innit.
Fritz Von Unsuprised innit.
Posted on: 10 June 2004 by Peter C
GOLF
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
I don't remember much after that...
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises,two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally,the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man.
"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into pasture of cows.
We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
I don't remember much after that...
Posted on: 10 June 2004 by quincy
Did you hear about the wee cannibal?
He was eight before he was nine.
He was eight before he was nine.
Posted on: 11 June 2004 by Berlin Fritz
Elton John goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.The doctor comes
back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS."Elton
is devastated."Doc, what can I do?" "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20
unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune
juice." Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave
you with a better understanding of what your arse is really for."
Fritz Von Slapper
back and says "Elton, I'm not going to beat around the bush.You have AIDS."Elton
is devastated."Doc, what can I do?" "Eat one sausage, one head of cabbage, 20
unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, ten Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40
peanuts, 1/2 box of Grape Nuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune
juice." Elton asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?" Doc says, "No, but it should leave
you with a better understanding of what your arse is really for."
Fritz Von Slapper
Posted on: 11 June 2004 by Bhoyo
Posted on: 11 June 2004 by Berlin Fritz
Dove with a sore throat trys to speak, his mate says that was much better than the last attempted coup !
What have the USS Enterprise and strawberry pickers from Tiptree in Essex got in common ?
They've both gotta Pickard !
What have the USS Enterprise and strawberry pickers from Tiptree in Essex got in common ?
They've both gotta Pickard !
Posted on: 12 June 2004 by Berlin Fritz
Arise Sir Clever Trevor.
Fritz Von Duryservice
Fritz Von Duryservice
Posted on: 13 June 2004 by long-time-dead
England 1 France 2
Best laugh I've had all week !
(Sorry for hijacking the thread !)
Best laugh I've had all week !
(Sorry for hijacking the thread !)
Posted on: 13 June 2004 by JonR
Scottish sense of humour....
Posted on: 13 June 2004 by long-time-dead
Aye