What's your best (new) short joke?

Thanks Alex, now go back to finding the penny difference in that bank rec!

JonR

A major earthquake measuring 5 8 on the Richter scale hit in the
early
hours of
Tuesday 24th February 2004. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fackin'
'ell".

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.25
worth of
damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and
Spanish
Costas
were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were
disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.

Essex FM News (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of
residents
were
confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the
fact that
something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 17-year-old mother of 5 said
"It was
such a
shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying.
My
youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was
still
shaking when I was watching Kilroy at lunchti me."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime are carrying
on as
normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Sunny
Delight
to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still
searching
through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal
belongings,
which
include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and
Bone
China
from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for
those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought
after,
items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa
tracksuit
tops
(his and hers), Shell suits (female), White sport socks and
Rockport boots.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the
same.
Required
foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked beans, ice
cream and cans
of
Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling i n the
compensation
forms,
£2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9,
£5.00
will pay
for a packet of B & H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those
affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in blood -
'Where are
you
bleeding from?' they asked- 'ROMFORD' said the girl 'Woss it
gotta do wiv
you?'

Fritz Von Corblimey

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an irish border checkpoint. Paddy the officer stops them and tells them: "It is illegal
to put 5 people in a Quattro."

"What do you mean it is illegal?" asked the Englishmen.

"Quattro means four" replies Paddy.

"Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen retorts
disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five
persons."

"You can not pull that one on me," replies Paddy. "Quattro means four.
You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the
law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over -
I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

Dubyas latest interview with RTE, scary stuff yes indeedy, innit.


Fritz Von Shuddupandletmefinishyoubitch

Piss: Of course his violent tendencies started very early, when the doc slapped his arse at birth, Dubya gave him a right hander back.
B.Bush.

Quite amusing I thought !

"Aggressive earnings management is the new creative accounting."

(Begbies Traynor Forensic Accounting Group - London)

Fritz Von They'retheone'sthatreallycount

quote:

---

Piss: Of course his violent tendencies started very early, when the doc slapped his arse at birth, Dubya gave him a right hander back.
B.Bush.

---

This would have been a matter of weeks before George Bush Senior dropped him on his head.



Regards,

Steve.

Quite possible old bean, quite possible !


Fritz Von OddsonthatF-9/11get'squashedsomehow

Germany's latest TV smash hit that's toppled the Poll Charts with lighting speed, innit.


Fritz Von Basilicumwobistdu ?

If any of you lucky workewrs get a spare moment ?

These individual quotes were reportedly taken
from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom... and has started to dig."

(2) "His men would follow him anywhere, ... but only out of morbid curiosity."

(3) "I would not allow this employee to breed."

(4) "This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'."

(5) "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

(6) "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

(7) "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

(8) "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

(9) "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

(10) "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

(11) "This employee should go far, ... and the sooner he starts, the better."

(12) "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

(13) "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

(14) "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

(15) "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

(16) "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

(17) "He's been working with glue too much."

(18) "He would argue with a signpost."

(19) "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

(20) "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

(21) "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

(22) "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ... he's the other one."

(23) "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

(24) "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

(25) "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

(26) "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

(27) "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

(28) "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

(29) "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

(30) "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans."

(31) "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

(32) "One neurone short of a synapse."

(33) "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;... he only gargled."

(34) "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

(35) "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

(36) "Anyone who can get Mr Smith to work for them will indeed be fortunate."

Fritz Von SoryyseagullIforgotthere'stwoll'sinnit

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa."

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay, " says the lawyer, "your turn".

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, "Thank you, " and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

1.2 billion Chinese walk into a bar and order a Coke. The barman, flustered, says "We don't get so many Chinese in here;" so the Chinese reply "And with service like this, you won't be getting any more!"

A horse walks into a bar, orders a drink. The barman inquires, "Why the long face?"

A white horse trots into the pub next door and orders a pint. The suprised barman kept cool, and say's "We named a Whisky after you", the horse repiled.
"What ! Eric ?"

what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

full

Zidane, Luis Figo and David Beckham are standing in Heaven before the
throne of God. God looks at them and says; "And so here you are here to face your Lord and maker. I shall ask each of you a question."
Addressing Zidane first he asks, "Zinedine, the world's greatest football player, what is it that you believe brought you here before me?"

Zidane looks God in the eye and says passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people, from the slums of Marseilles to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people, with little else, who stood on the terraces supporting their team." God smiles and offers Zidane a seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo, "And similarly you, Luis, a hero to so many, what do you think it was brought you to my throne?"
Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these commitments." God, moved by the passion of his speech offers Figo a seat to his right.









He then turns to Beckham,

"And David, presumably you just want your ball back?"

Fritz Von Malcolm

Arye's eaten all the blue smarties !

Not really a short joke but....

Yeah, I fawt a foot was 12 inches as well ?

What's 60 foot long, has 30 mouths and no teeth ?

The front row of a Danielle O'Donnell concert !

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How can you breathe through that?".

Girl goes into a hairdressers in Sunderland and asks "can you give me a perm?"

"Okay"

says the hairdresser.

"I wondad lurnley as a clood..."

Q. What did the inflatable headmistress say to the inflatable boy who walked into the inflatable school, with a pin?


A. You've let me down, you've let yourself down and you've let the whole school down.

quote:

---

Originally posted by rodwsmith:
Q. What did the inflatable headmistress say to the inflatable boy who walked into the inflatable school, with a pin?


A. You've let me down, you've let yourself down and you've let the whole school down.

---

That is Brilliant I laughed my socks off, luvvly jubbly.

Fritz Von Daft²

A guy goes to see the Mel Gibson movie, The Passion, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on holiday his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of US$10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US$500.

The guy says, "We'll ship her home." The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a man here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.

At least tommorow you can order a Ruby Tuesday:

One for Girls!

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day
so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a big f*cking red mark on his forehead. Maybe
next time he'll buy me a diamond !!!!

One for men!

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his
wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache". "Perfect," her husband said. "
I was just in the bathroom powdering my d*ck with aspirin. You can take it
orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!!!


One for men!

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end
of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They
open the casket and find that the woman is Actually alive. She lived for ten
more years, and then dies peacefully. A ceremony is again held at the same
place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out
the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the f*cking
wall!"

One for girls!

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on
Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"
The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man." Santa looks at the
little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said
the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."


One for men!

A bloke is driving happily along in his car with his girlfriend when he's pulled
over by the Police. The police officer approaches him and asks: "Have you been
drinking Sir?" "Why?" asks the man, "Was I driving
badly?" "No" replies the Officer, "You were driving splendidly. It was the ugly
fat bird in the passenger seat that made me suspicious"


Enough t'make yers Scream, innit ?

Fritz Von PCismysecindname