What's your best (new) short joke?

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf.....Of course, the wife
promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house
adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now
we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy
drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on
the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw
the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique
bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the
couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh...yeah, sir. We're
sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary.
Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in
that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to
grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll
keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He
pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the
rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I
can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!" "And now you, young lady,
what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete
with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the
genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural
disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in
more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband
looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune,
and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments
and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I
wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" You know I love you sweetheart," said
the husband. I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs
where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. After about
three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her
eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she
responded breathlessly. "No Kidding." He said, "Thirty-five years old and both
of you still believe in genies?


Graham George of Charlottenburg

Subject: Fw: Peter Kay's Thoughts!


> >
> > 1. I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
> > Thyroid problem?
> >
> > 2. When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I
> > realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked
> > him to forgive me.
> >
> > 3. My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For
> > ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
> >
> > 4. I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go
> > swimming.
> >
> > 5. I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get
> > on with my real ladder.
> >
> > 6. I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I
> > ordered French toast during the Renaissance.
> >
> > 7. Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.
> > But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may
> > break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From
> > thereon it was sticks and stones all the way.
> >
> > 8. My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably
> > why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
> >
> > 9. Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd
> > better have a good hand.
> >
> > 10. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour
> > said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
> >
> > 11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of
> > meat?
> >
> > 12. I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
> > give the wrong answers.
> >
> > 13. You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.
> >
> >
> > Peter Kay's questions...
> >
> > 1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
> >
> > 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to
> > the core of the earth?
> >
> > 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
> >
> > 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?
> >
> > 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
> > stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
> >
> > 7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
> >
> > 8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
> > centuries' have a 'use by' date?
> >
> > 9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a
> > horrible crisp no one would eat?
> >
> > 10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
> >
> > 11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
> > squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
> >
> > 12. What do people in China call their good plates?
> >
> > 13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but
> > don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
> >
> > 14. What do you call male ballerinas?
> >
> > 15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
> >
> > 16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
> >
> > 17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
> > vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
> >
> > 18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
> > stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is
> > wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
> >
> > 19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
> >
> > 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad
> > at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of
> > the window?
> >
> >
> > Peter Kay's Universal Truths
> >
> > 1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
> >
> > 2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
> >
> > 3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
> > pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
> >
> > 4. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
> >
> > 5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into
> > a calculator
> >
> > 6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
> >
> > 7. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
> >
> > 8. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
> > fire in your back garden.
> >
> > 10. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
> >
> > 11. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
> >
> > 12. It's impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
> >
> > 13. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
> >
> > 14. Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
> >
> > 15. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
> >
> > 16. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
> >
> > 17. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
> > your teacher mum or dad.
> >
> > 18. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at
> > the first given opportunity.
> >
> > 19. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
> >
> > 20. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way
> > through and then raced against the flush.
> >
> > 21. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
> >
> > 22. It's impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
> >
> > 23. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
> >
> > 24. You never ever run out of salt.
> >
> > 25. Old ladies can eat more than you think.
> >
> > 26. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
> >
> > 27. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
> > your hand or head stuck in something
> >
> > 28. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
> >
> > 29. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
> > their arm broken by a swan.
> >
> > 30. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on
> > an upturned plug.
> >
> > 31. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
> >
> > 32. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of
> > wood specifically to stir paint with.
> >
> > 33. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
> >
> > 34. Bricks are horrible to carry.
> >
> > 35. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
> >
> > 36. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it
> > in a fruit salad.
> >
> > Graham George Von Sorrynotimetomakeitallpretty --------------------------------------------------------
> >
> >

Two gay Irishmen:

Patrick Fitzwilliam & William Fitzpatrick

Fok, I'm gettin old !

What's the only part of Popeye that doesn't rust.....??

....the bit he dips in Olive Oyl.

Scouse A: Eh, dere's been a fire at one of dem supermarkets today

Scouse B: As dere?

Scouse A: No, Tesco.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Matthew Robinson:
Scouse A: Eh, dere's been a fire at one of dem supermarkets today

Scouse B: As dere?

Scouse A: No, Tesco.

---

Not bad our Matt, you just made that up didn't you, nearly Friday lunchtime son.

G.G.v.Readingforliverpool Kult - Trell Innit:

It's from Martin Kelner's wonderful Phoenix Nights travelogue "When Will I Be Famous" which I can highly recommend.

Matthew

Matthew,

For the sake of political correctness you are supposed to apologise to all Scousers for any offence that may have been caused, and offer assurances that no Scouser was harmed by the making of the above post.

At least that was what Blzebub did on Pink Fish when he told the same joke over there not long before the thread was deleted by the moderators.



Regards,

Steve.

So you can't call a scouser in a suit and tie the accused anymore then ?

An Australian ventriloquist visiting deepest Wales walks into a village
and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have
little fun.

Ventriloquist: "G'Day Mate! Good looking dog, mind if I speakto him?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?? (Pointing at
The villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me
to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner??

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,brushes me
down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "The sheep's a f***ing liar.


Regards
Clive

A man and his wife were in a court for their divorce case. The problem was who should get custody of the child.
The wife screamed and jumped up and said :
"Your Honor. I brought the child into the world with all the pain and labour. The child should be in my custody."
The judge turned to the husband and said :
"What do you have to say in your defense?"
The man sat for a while contemplating.....then slowly rose.
"Your Honor... If I put a pound in a Pepsi Vending Machine and a Pepsi comes out.....Whose Pepsi is it.....the machine's or mine?

Steven Toy -- There is nothing remotely "politically incorrect" about that joke and I would be astonished if a thread got pulled on PFM becuase of that joke.

FWIW it's joke written by scousers, performed by scousers and until recently could be heard in the play it's from at Liverpool's Royal Court Theatre.

Matthew

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

My Kinda Woman, innit:

Mind you the post before this one takes a lot of beating, God did i Larf.

A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have
special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one
whole month." The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the
Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the
husband obviously very depressed. "You are back so soon... Is there a problem?"
the pastor inquired. "We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage
to abstain from sex for the required month...." the young man replied sadly. The
pastor asked him what happened. "Well, the first week was difficult.... However,
we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible,
but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain." "However, the third week was
unbearable. Wet tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible.... anything
to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can
of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with
lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man,
shamefacedly."You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor. "We know." said the young man, hanging his head.............



"We're not welcome at Homebase either."


innit:

The Reverend Ian Paisley dies and approaches the pearly gates. St. Peter stops him.

'You can't get in here' says St.Peter.

'Why not' says Paisley. 'I've been a good Christian man all my life'.

'Not according to our records. It says here you've been preaching hatred against Catholics and the Pope for years' replies St.Peter.

'Now, Just a minute. I haven't done that for a long time. I'm a changed man. Why, just a few weeks ago, I was walking past a Catholic church in Belfast and I heard some beautiful music. I looked inside and these wee girls were all dressed up for their first communion. Well, I called over one of those girls and gave her a pound.'

'We don't have any record of that here' said Peter.

'And a couple of weeks later, I walked past another Catholic church and saw some boys being confirmed. I walked over to one of those boys and gave him a pound'.

Again Peter looked puzzled. 'We have no record of that either'.

Paisley continued, 'And just last week there, I saw a nun helping the homeless in downtown Belfast, so I gave that nun a pound.'

St.Peter said 'There must be something wrong with our computer, because we don't have any of this on file. Let me talk to the Big Fellow for a moment.'

Ian Paisley paced up and down, waiting anxiously for the answer. Eventually St.Peter returned...

'What did He say?' said Paisley.

'He said......here's your three pounds back, now fuck off'.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ...CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you lost your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What the hell is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.


Innit:

P.S. Of course some husbands/men are murder too whilst their better half is driving, ain't they Mickey me old clever bastard ? Cor there narf bin some !Innit:


N.B. Time to run off and pay my contributions for today's porpoise murders off of the Blitisch Coast metinks !

Girl joins a convent:

Top nun: "welcome to our silent order. I hope you will be happy here and find you way with God. You will not speak for 3 years, whereupon you will come to my office and you will be allowed two words. Thereafter you will come to me every five years for your two words".

Three years pass

Top nun: "My dear girl, what are your two words"

Nun: "Bed hard"

Top nun: "Well, I will see someone about that and we will find a more comfortable bed for you"

Five years pass

Top nun: "My dear girl, what are your two words"

Nun: "Food horrible"

Top nun: "Well, I will see the kitchen staff and I will ensure that your food is improved"

Five year pass

Top nun: "My dear girl, what are your two words"

Nun: "I'm leaving"

Top nun: "I can't say I'm sorry. All you have done since you've been here is complain!"

A Pacific cruise ship sinks with only three survivors - David, Danny and Daisy. They swim to a small island and live there for a couple of years doing what comes naturally. Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both David and Danny that she kills herself. This is very sad for David and Danny but they get over it and, again, nature takes it's course. After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are doing....... so they bury her.

Elementary, My Dear Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Love the last joke, that's a crackin classic. I wonder where the idignation from Sting, Bono, Fat Reg, Phil Phil has gone regardin Cat's knock back, this is a joke, we should be told?

Graham George Of/von I'malrightjack

Oh and I forgot our beloved London Bubble of course who likes to spout off a bit Michael George thingy, great woice though.

Tried the last post in Babelfish but it didn't work. No choice for gibberish to english!

Just in from the Beruit office:

Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym.His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his
birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets
them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's
been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When
they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a
Budweiser.His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she
know that you drink Budweiser?" "She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We
share lanes with them." A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says "Hi Davey. Want
your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.Before she
can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how
the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having
none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4
letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked
up a real bitch this time".

A woman has suffered with severe ugliness all her life and has never found the cause of it despite visiting many eminent experts.
She is eventually referred to a specialist in Shanghai called Dr.Wang.
When makes the plane journey and makes her way straight to his surgery.
The receptionist shows her into Dr.Wang's office straight away where he introduces himself and proceeds to sit and stare at her for a full 2 minutes before speaking a single word.
When he does speak it is with a request:
"Prease take off your crothes"
The woman hesitates thinking this a little unusal but then decides "oh what the hell, he's the expert" and strips naked.
"Prease can roo turn awound"
She turns around
"Prease go down on all fours"
The woman complies
"now come towards me"
She turns around and shuffles towards him
"no go backwards"
She goes backwards
"Rook up at me"
She looks up at Dr.Wang who is studying her and stroking his chin thoughfully..
"Doctor, do you know what's wrong with me??" she begs him.
"Yes I do, you have Ed Zackery Disease"
"What the hell's that?" she cries,
"That's when your face look Ed Zackery like your arse".

One morning a farmer strides in to the kitchen with his dog and says to his wife "right missus, get your coat and wellies 'cos you me and Rover are going huntin' today".
"No Jed, I don't wanna go hunting,you go on your own".
"Well, if you don't wanna go huntin' then you've either gotta give me a blow job or let me shag you up the arse" he says.
"Well Jed, I think I'll take the blow job then".
"No problem love, get on your knees and go for gold"
But as she approaches her husband's organ she reels backwards retching and gagging.
"Jesus Jed, I'm not going near that, it stinks of shit!"
"I know", says Jed,"Rover didn't wanna go huntin' either"....