What's your best (new) short joke?

Yeeeeeccchhhhhh!

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to serve venison for
supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what
it is -- so he does not tell them. His little boy, Joey, keeps asking him,
"What's for supper? "You'll see," says his dad. They start eating supper and his
daughter keeps asking what they're eating."OK," says her dad, "here's a hint,
its what your mother sometimes calls me."Joey! Quick, spit it out! We're eating
a**hole!" she screams.


innit:

Talkin of Dophin's floatin in tin cans in space, maybe Mr Branston could unpickle them ?

It's all a matter of interpretation

A Mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?" He replied, "Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse" The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
What in the world happened? asked her husband. Danged if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle.I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose".



Dinnit!

A couple of die-hard old Aussie fishermen knockin out ice cold VB's at ten to the dozen down on the quay at Freemantle ponderin on how accurately they'd guess the Freeo- Doc's arrival that day (local wind) when one asks the other, "Hey Pete, what's that Pommy Bastard's brat over there doin with today's catch, floggin those fish like that with that rope ?", "I dunno mate, but ee's gonna get a hidin from me very soon if I catch the little monkey, Coome here yer bloody little 'Snapperwhipper'," Innit.

I just made that up, Honnist: can you tell ?

Graham George Von Limeybastard's³

P.S.

What's more likely ?

Me getting a letter published in Private Eye one day, West Ham winning the next FA Cup Final, or Jack Straw being our Tony's successor `?

At the end of a tiny deserted bar is a huge scouse bloke - 6ft 5in tall and
350lbs. He's having a few beers, when a short, well dressed and obviously
gay man walks in and sits beside him.
After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say
something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over, he cups his huge ear.
"Do you want a blow job?" he whispers.
At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks
the man in the face, knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all
the way out of the bar.
Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the car park and returns to his
seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you
react like that" he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies." Something about a job."

Q. If you see a Scouser on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bike

Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
A: Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin

Q: What's the difference between a Scouser and a coconut?
A: One's thick and hairy, and the other's a coconut

Q: What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
A: Big Mac and fries please

Q: What's the first question at a Liverpool pub quiz night?
A: What you looking at?

Q: What do you call a scouser in a White Shellsuit?
A: The Bride

Q: Why does the River Mersey run through Liverpool?
A: Because if it walked it would be mugged

Yoko xx

N.B. Being mentioned by Lord Robinson was quite a priv², talk abouit takin the Spirit back to St Louis eh ?

Having been born, educated, and lived (for 23 years) in Liverpool, and have only moved to the other side of the River Mersey due to my now wife living there; I take jokes about the 'scouser' very personally.

Yes the city has declined massively, and no doubt deserved the image you portray, but please leave off and give the city a chance. Its trying to change the image it once had, maybe so should you.

Talking of venison my local tesco sell's it FREE RANGE

Stuart

quote:

---

Originally posted by Steve Hall:
Having been born, educated, and lived (for 23 years) in Liverpool, and have only moved to the other side of the River Mersey due to my now wife living there; I take jokes about the 'scouser' very personally.

Yes the city has declined massively, and no doubt deserved the image you portray, but please leave off and give the city a chance. Its trying to change the image it once had, maybe so should you.

---

Fuckin Briliant Mate, Best one I've heard in years

Dopey
>
> The Seven Dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are
> "the seven dwarfs" they get ushered into see the Pope.
>
> Dopey leads the pack.
>
> "Dopey my son," says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
>
> Dopey asks, "Excuse me, Your Excellency, but are there any
> dwarf nuns in Rome?"
>
>
>
> The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for
> a moment and answers, No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
>
> In the background a few of the dwarfs begin giggling.
>
> Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
>
>
>
>
> Dopey turns back to face the Pope.
>
> "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
>
>
> The Pope, puzzled again, thinks for a moment and then
> answers, "No Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in all of Europe."
>
> This time all the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
>
>
>
> Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them all with
> an angry glare.
>
> Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are
> there ANY dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
>
> The Pope answers, "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf
> nuns anywhere in the world."
>
> The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling, and
> laughing, pounding on the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they
> begin chanting:
>
> "Dopey screwed a penguin! Dopey screwed a penguin!"
>
>
>
>
>
> innit ?

Straight in from Graham Cracker Country:

Cowboy Boots

Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. Upon arriving home, he walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?" Bessie looks him over, "Nope." Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?" Bessie looks again, "Nope." Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for his boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?" Bessie looks up and says, "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today. It was hanging down yesterday. It'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Sam yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam.

Shoulda bought a hat."


innit.

Just picked up a real bargain on ebay. A wheelchair and a red cape for a tenner!

Tony

Not funny, Tony.

No it isn't funny.

What happened to Christopher Reeve could happen to anyone of us.


Regards,

Steve.

Sorry if you've this before... damn funny though and always worth repeating!

In the middle of a gynaecologists conference, an English and a French gynaecologist are discussing various interesting cases they have
recently treated.

French gynaecologist : "Only last week, zer was zis woman ooh came to see me, and 'er cleetoris... eet was like a melon!"

English gynaecologist : "Don't be absurd my good man, it could not possibly have been that big, the poor woman wouldn't have been able to
walk if it was."

French gynaecologist : "Ooooooo la la, you eengleesh, zer you go again, always talkeeng about ze size... I was talkeeng about ze taste!"

Seven Degrees of Blondes

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning.The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a
moment and said,"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung
up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is
clear
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact.The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells,
"No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.! "
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W.
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was
about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George
Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware!
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked
and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached
the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,
shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my
possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They
send me a BLIND policeman."

Not funny Howard.
Being blonde could happen to any one of us.


(sorry Steve)

You could always dye your hair then no one would know. Right?

Only until you open your mouth

SO there's this little German guy who walks into a Brothel in Budapest one day with a suitcase.
He pays for an hour's worth of female companionship and is shown upstairs where his willing partner is waiting patiently.
"Hi", she says, "I'm Lola, who're you?"
"My name's Rainer and I want you to take off your clothes and get on the bed".
"My my" says Lola,"you're in a hurry aren't you?"
"Well, I want to get my money's worth", he says.
"O.K", says Lola and strips off, gets on the bed and awaits her lover.
The next 45 minutes are a whirlwind: the little German takes her in every way imaginable but just as he reaches his peak he gets off, goes to his suitcase and starts rummaging around.
Lola watches speechless as he pulls out bedsprings, attaches them to his knees with rubber bands followed by a rubber bird beak which he straps to his face.
"What the hell are you doing?? she exclaims.
"Have you not heard of the four sprung duck technique before?" the little Teutonic love God replies.

Good eh?

quote:

---

Not funny Howard.
Being blonde could happen to any one of us.


(sorry Steve)

---

Being blonde has little to do with hair colour (real or peroxide.)

I few weeks back I was sent to pick up from no 17 Acacia Close.

I thought, "Acacia Close doesn't go that far up on the odd-number side, surely?"

I checked it out thinking maybe I was going a bit blonde meself, and surely enough, on the even nunmbers' side it went up to 18 but on the odds' side only to number 7.

Perhaps it was 17 Acacia drive about 4 streets away, I knew that street went up to 23.

I went there and waited a few minutes.

No joy.

Then a call was received by our office from 16 Acacia Close so I went back, picked up a group of four girls and dropped them off at Wetherspoons.

Young lass: Sorry, I didn't know what number I lived at."

Me: Your hair looks a bit too dark for you to be a blonde!"


Regards,

Steve.

British Banks = Service

?


Regards,

Steve.

Bloke goes into a bakers in Glasgow:

"Excuse me, is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

"Nae, ye're reet, s'a doughnut."

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an
obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served them food and
drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people,
if you could just put your trays up, that would be
super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a
well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved
a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big
brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so
the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I
am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing
a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a
Queen, so I out rank you.
"Tray-up, Bitch."

Q: How do you sell a duck to a deaf man?



A: "WANNA BUY A DUCK!!!!!"

(You're s'posed to lean towards the ear of the person you're telling the joke to and yell that last bit really loudly..........sheer brilliance.)