What's your best (new) short joke?

I read the other day that Paul McCartney is buying Heather a plane for Christmas this year.

He's getting her a ladyshave for the other leg.

Bdum Tisch!

Jonathan

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
sh*tting herself.

- Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child .. well maybe one or two grams to get me to
sleep at night.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly


Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?

- Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I
was two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw*t.

- Susan Murray at the Underbelly

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All
right, but we're not going to get much done."

- Jimmy Carr at the ICC

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a
goat.

- Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

- Jimmy Carr at the ICC

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite
flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ...
Self-raising?"

- Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.

- Jeremy Limb, at the Trap


Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

- Jimmy Carr


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".

- Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron


I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork ..

- Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.

- Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a
winner and a loser at the same time.

- Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm
bears.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of
our family holidays in Customs.

- Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon


A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The
hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join
the circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a
plumber".

- Steven Alan Green at C34


Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

- Brendon Burns at the Pleasance


I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already
got one!"

- Norman Lovett at The Stand


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

- Chris Addison at the Pleasance


I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not
very good at it.

- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,
then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're
trained for that.

- Milton Jones at the Underbelly

I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this
sign:
"This door is alarmed." I said to myself: "How do you think I feel?"

- Arnold Brown at The Stand

If you laughed you have a sick sense of humour......

If you didn't laugh, I humbly apologise.

1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your night-gown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
14, Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.
15, Frisbeetarianism (n.), the belief that when you die, your soul goes up
on the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

They reckon Jacko will get life for having 'relations' with children. Yet Christopher Reeve got the electric chair for riding a horse!

Tony

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and
D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly
how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls
up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location
which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in
Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database
through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex
formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and,
after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a
full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet
printer.

He turns to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on
amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car.

Then the shepherd says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?" The young man thinks
about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?".

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! that's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew
to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. "Now
give me back my dog."

I didn't have the stamina to read all previous entries, so apologies if these are repeats.

1.Patient to Doctor: "I've got a cricket ball up
my arse."
Doctor to Patient: "How's that?"
P to D : "Don't you start!"


Alternatively,

2. Did you hear the story about the gynaecologist who painted his house through the letterbox?

G

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him,
"Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him.

He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runsdown the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs,

"Oh, sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side,then asks the lizard, "what's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaaaark dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

Nice one Mat!

Regards,

Steve.

Yasser Arafat regained consciousness just long enough to ask to die wearing a Newcastle shirt, Tottenham shorts, Glasgow Rangers socks, and a Lazio headscarf.

Reports said that his last wish was that he wanted to be buried in the Gazza Strip

....and
A Day at the Zoo

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions' cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion answers "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

Our Macker tearfully informs his kids that their beloved Linda is dead, but cheers up with the good news that we've got bangers & mash for tea.

F

A well hard gun toting John Wayne / Parry / Kenneth Williams-Esque Cowboy walks slowly into a Yacht Chandlery, and utters in a dark brown voice.

"I've come for my Buoy !!!"

Fritz Von Justmadethatupcanyoutell ?

That there's absolutely no connection with the timing of Boris's sacking by the Count, and Our Tones speech giving and presence at Mr Bigleys Church memorial in Cliverpool yesterday, innit.

Fritz Von Idcardsforall²

Fast forward to 2006 - it is just before Scotland v Brazil at the next World Cup in a group game.

Ronaldo goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team-mates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Scotland. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered

Ronaldo looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldo goes out to play Scotland by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - Scotland 0 (Ronaldo 10minutes)". He is beating Scotland all by himself!

Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on".
They put the teletext on.

"Result from the Stadium "Brazil 1 (Ronaldo 10 minutes) - Scotland 1 (McFadden 89 minutes)".

They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against Scotland!! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. But they find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against Scotland, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes!!"

My ex Boss of about an hour ago who's just given me my notice out of the blue and without reason. Twice fired in a life-time, not bad, maybe I'll get the hatrick one day, their loss, not mine innit.


Fritz Von Backtosquare on innit:

My local Spanish Gaff is lookin for an English
worker, sounmd like just the Juan for me !

That is short but is it a joke ?

Fritz

When you've seen Juan you've seen them all !

Paddy and Murphy need a drink.

They pool their money, but only have 50p - not enough. Paddy takes the money to a butcher and buys a sausage. They enter a bar and order two pints of Guinness and quickly down them. When the barman asks for cash, Paddy pulls the sausage from his fly and Murphy sucks on it. The barman goes crazy and throws them out.

At the 10th pub, Murphy says "I can't go on with this, my knees are killing me" Paddy replies "Your knees ? I lost the sausage about 5 pubs ago !!!!"

One for Andy c!



The Honest Wife

A man who was driving a car with his wife was stopped by a police
officer. The following exchange took place.

The man says, "What's the problem, officer?"

Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."

Man: "No sir, I was going 65."

Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gave his wife a dirty
look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken
taillight. "

Man: "Broken taillight? I didn't know about a broken taillight!"

Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that taillight for weeks." (The
man gave his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt."

Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."

Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt."

The man turned to his wife and yelled, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!"

The officer turned to the woman and asked, "Ma'am, does your husband
talk to you this way all the time?"

The wife said, "No, only when he's drunk."
__________________________________________

Regards


NB

quote:

---

"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes!!"

---

Very drôle.

Regards,

Steve.

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled "we were counting today and all the other kids could only count to 4, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!
Very good, said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde? "Yes, it's because your blonde," said the Mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. " Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, all all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,B,C,D,E,F,G!
"Very Good," said her Mother.
Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?
"Yes it's because your blond!
The following day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in Gym class today, and when we showered all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"No Honey, it's because you're 24."

Regards


NB

Will the newly proposed anti-terrorism laws in UK mean that those folks being held for over 2 years already in UK jails completely uncharged, will in future be charged under the new laws, so it wilöl be allright then.

FRitz Von Neverbloodymindguantanamobaypeoplelookclosertohomeinnit

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise.
He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He
yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there? Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says "Gonna catch some
chickens."Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
wire!" Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes
walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken
wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.Same time next morning the old man is
out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of
round in his hand. Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"Boy yells back
"Roll of duck tape."Old man says "What you gonna do with that?" Boy says back
"Gonna catch me some ducks."Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch
ducks with duck tape!"Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around
sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is
trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in
it. Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what
looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end. Old man says "Hey boy,
whatcha got there?" Boy says "It's a pussy willow." Old man says "Wait up....
I'll get my hat".


FRitz Von I'msuprisedthisthreaDHASN#TBEENSTOPPEDDUETOITSSIZEANDAGE ?