What's your best (new) short joke?

Why do cows have bad memories.......



Whatever you tell them goes in one ear and out the udder!

Mick Parry's understanding of our world and GWB!

Boom boom?

Or toast?

Suit yerselves.

Nime

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and on being
told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase
one and enter it in the races.
However at the local auction, the going price for a horse was
so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.
To his surprise, the donkey came in third. The next day the local
paper carried this headline: PASTOR'S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it
in the race again, and this time it won. The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he
ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next
day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to
get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the
following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to
buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD
AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."
The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.
The next day the daughter was riding with her boy friend who said,
"My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up." He did, and warmed his hands.
The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."

The girl replied "Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm it up." He did, and warmed his nose.
The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?"
Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies, "They make one hell of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Take it easy-And if it's easy-Take it twice.

Me secretly becoming a Groupee without the Mat & Mickey's Clique's permission.


Fritz Von Well that's allright then, innit

Every community needs its jester Fritz.

Nime

Fritz,

Seconded.

Welcome back to the Groupee-owned madhouse!

Cheers,

JR

Whils't recently beachcombing along the Dover coast in southern England I spied a rather forlorn looking flatfish with two horribly bulbous protusions eminating from its sides. "What an earth can that be ? " I asked my 'smart' chum Micky (who knew about such things ) and who was hopping (sane) along beside me.

"Obvious innit ! Ftitzy me old China !"

'Tis', "Two fish bowls swimming in a lost sole"



Fritz Von Same procedure year after year

I've just sent John's Guvnor at the bank an e-mail with the Career change link, so that's sorted son, you won't have to even organise an interview now will you, just book that holiday flight after payin a few bills up front, and get yer arse out of there for a week or five.

Fritz Von No wonder you're pissed off mate livin in that watford gap, innit.

ESSEX A To Z

ASSA COMMONS - Our Parliament Building.

ART ATTACK - Extremely perturbed, as in "Don't tell Sharon, She'll have an art attack."

ARST - Past tense of ask. "Jordan, I must've arst ya free fazzund times to clear up yer room."

BANNSA - A person employed to deny access or eject troublemakers at a club."Dave's got izself a job as a bannsa."

BANTY - A chocolate and coconut snack bar.

BAVE - To wash oneself.

BOAF - The two. "Oi Dave, ooja fancy most, Sharon or Tracy?" "Boaf" is the reply.

BRANSATCH - Motor racing circuit in Kent.

CANCEL - Administrative body of a town. "Darren, wive ad annuvva letter from the cancel."

CANTAFIT - Fake, as in money.

CHOONA - An edible fish purchased in a tin and usually prepared with mayonnaise.

CORT A PANDA - A big hamburger (smaller than an arf panda)

DAN TO URF - Sensible, practical.

DANNING STREET - Where the Prime Minister lives.

DANSTEZ - On the ground floor , where the biggest telly is.

DREKKUN - Do you consider? as in "Which dog drekkun'll win the next race?"

EFTY - Considerable. "Ere, Trace, this credit card bill's a bit efty."

EJOG - A small, spiky animal (hedgehog).

ERZ - Belonging to her.

EVVY - A big geezer who protects a smaller and more intelligent geezer, usually for money. "My name's Frank and this is my evvy, Knuckles."

EYEBROW - Cultured, intellectual.

FANTIN - A jet of water for drinking or ornament.

FARVA - A posh way of saying Dad.

FATCHA - Margaret, British Prime Minister 1979 - 1990.

FINGY - A person or object whose name doesn't come to mind. "I ad it off wiv fingy last night."

FONG - Skimpy undergarment.

FOR CRYIN AT LAAD - Mild expletive showing annoyance or surprise. E.G."For cryin at lad, Britney, if I say Yes will you give it a rest?"

GAWON - Go on. "Gawon Darren, eat ya granny's cabbage, it'll do yer good."

GIVE IT LARGE - To be thorough or enthusiastic.

GRAND - A football stadium. "It all wennoff atside the pub near the grand."

HAITCH - Letter of the alphabet between G and I.

IBEEFA - The Spanish holiday island.

IFFY - Dubious. "Ere, Trace, I fink this bread pudding you made last munf's a bit iffy."

INT - Indirect suggestion. " I gave Darren a sort of int that it was time to wash iz feet."

IPS - An unknown area of a woman's body to which chocolate travels."That Mars Bar will go straight to me ips."

JA - Do you, did you. "Ja like me new airdo, Sharon."

JACKS - Five Pound note. "Lend us a jacks, wilya?"

JAFTA - Is it really necessary? "Oi mate, jafta keep doing that?"

KAF - Eating house open during the day.

KAFFY - A girl's name.

LAD - Noisy. "Jordan, turn that music dan, it's too lad."

LARJ - Enjoying oneself.

LEVVA - Material made from the skin of an animal.

LOTREE - Costs £1 for a ticket.

MA BLARCH - An arch near Hyde Park.

MAFFS - The study of numbers.

MANOR - Local area.

MINGER - An unattractive person (usually woman).

NARRA - Lacking breadth, with little margin. "Mum wannid to come rand but changed er mind. That was a narra escape."

NARTAMEAN - Do you know what I mean? (sometimes used as janartamean).

NEEVA - Not one nor the other.

NES - National Elf Service.

OAF - A solemn declaration of truth or committment.

OLLADAY - Time taken away from home for rest and adventure.

ONNIST - Fair and just, without a lie. "I never did it, onnist."

OPPIT - Go away , as in "Oi you, oppit."

PADDA PUFF - Soft, lacking aggression. "They're alright up front but they got a padda puff defence."

PACIFIC - Specific.

PAFFUL - Having much power or strength.

PAIPA - Sun, Mirror etc.

PANS AN ANNSIS - Imperial weight system.

PLAMMANS - A pub lunch usually made up of cheese and bread.

QUALIDEE - Good, as in "West 'Am's new striker's qualidee."

RAND - A number of drinks purchased for a group.

RANDEER - Locally. "There ain't much call for it randeer."

REBAND - Period of recovery after rejection by a lover. "I couldn't 'elp it. I was on the reband from Craig."

ROOFLESS - Without compassion.

SAFF - A direction of the compass, opposite north.

SAFFEND - An Essex seaside town.

SAWTED - Done, arranged, resolved.

SEEVIN - Very angry. "I woz seevin when I urd wot 'e sed."

TALENT - Attractive members of the opposite sex. "Dave's gan dan tan to eye up the talent."

TAN ASS - A modern terraced house.

TOP EVVY - A woman of plentiful bosom. "Ere look at that, Darren, she's well top evvy."

UG - An unattractive person. "Sharon's new geezer's a bit of an ug."

UMP - Upset, as in Got the Ump.

VACHER - A document which can be exchanged for goods or services. "I got a vacher to get in cheap at Forp Park."

WANNED UP - Tense. "I'm all wanned up at the moment."

WAWAZUT? - I beg your pardon.

WENNOFF - A fight commenced as in "It all wennoff".

YAFTA - You must : "Even if yer guilty, yafta av mitigating circumstances."

YOOF OSTALL - A place where holidaymakers can stay the night.

ZAGGERATE - To suggest something is better or bigger than is true."Craig, I must've told ya a fazzund times already." "Don't zaggerate, mum."

The mass hysteria in Liverpool over the Ken Bigley case, and the Non³ Welcome home today of the four innocent 'BLACK' Cuba hoilday makers, I suspect Castro in his younger days would have closed it down a long time ago, irresspective of what pressures the Country was made to bare, and independent of Moscow.

Fritz Von I heard thazt 7V had an original mind once ?

Fritz Von I heard thazt 7V had an original mind once ?

Nope, I'm just a 'run with the herd' kind of guy.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Berlin Fritz:
I've just sent John's Guvnor at the bank an e-mail with the Career change link, so that's sorted son, you won't have to even organise an interview now will you, just book that holiday flight after payin a few bills up front, and get yer arse out of there for a week or five.

Fritz Von No wonder you're pissed off mate livin in that watford gap, innit.

---

Just seen this...

Cheers Fritz, much obliged!

Yeah B'wood ain't where it's at, to be perfectly honest...

Cheers,

JR

Can't you just see it? :

He's standing there at the Pearly Gates with a drip on the end of his nose.

"AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH YOUR LIFE MY SON?"

"Well I worked for a bank in the Watford Gap"

"GOOD GRIEF! SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHY I BOTHER! TAKE THE STAIRS DOWN! NEXT!!"

Nime

Man walks into his kitchen with a duck under his arm. He says "This is the pig I've been f*cking.

His wife says "That's not a pig, it's a duck."

Man "I was talking to the duck"

Why is a Pork Pie like a pensioners minge ?

You have to bite off the crust and lick out the jelly before you get to the meat !

I've not read back so this might have been covered....

Mickey Mouse is in the dock during his divorce from Minny.

The judge asks mickey to clarify his statement, "Mickey, I'm confused by your grounds for divorce - the statement here says that you want to divorce Minny because she has big teeth?! Is this right?"

Micky says, "No judge, I said I wanted a divorce because she was fu**ing Goofy"

Will somebody please Bury, St Edmund !



Fritz Von Robert Graves Fan

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub.

Barman says: "is this some kind of joke?"

Heard about the dyslexic rock star? ...Choked on his own vimto.

Or the dyslexic pervert? ...Went into an S&M shop and bought a nice cardigan

Keats and Chapman were entrusted by the British Government with a secret mission which involved a trip to India. A man-of war awaited them at a British port. Leaving their lodgings at dawn, they were driven at a furious pace to the point of embarkation. When about to rush on board, they encountered at the dockside a mutual friend, one Mr Childs, who chanced to be there on business connected with his calling of wine importer. Perfunctory and very hasty courtesies were exchanged; Keats and Chapman then rushed on board the man-of war, which instantly weighed anchor.
The trip to India was made in the fastest time then heard of, and as soon as the ship had come to anchor in Bombay harbour, the two friends were whisked to land in a wherry. Knowing that time was of the essence of their mission, they hastened from the docks into the neighbouring streets and on turning a corner, whom should they see only -----

Mr Childs? No.

Just a lot of Indians, complete strangers.

`Big world,' Keats remarked.

How to kill a circus:
Go for the juggler.

Spit or swallow , mademoiselle?
Ah, cum ci, cum ca.

Brian Boru the Irishman died in a fire, very badly burnt, and the Dublin
morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Mick and
Les, turned up.Mick went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Mick said
"God >bless us, he's burnt pretty bad, isn't he? Roll him over".
The mortician did as requested. Mick looked and said
"Nope, it ain't Brian".
The mortician thought this rather strange behaviour, so he brought Les in
to see if he could identify the body. Les's reaction was the same as Mick's.
"Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over". The mortician did > so.
"No, it ain't Brian," said Les.
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Les said, "Y'see, Brian had two arseholes."
Everyone knew he had two arseholes.
Every time we went into town, folks would say,
'Here comes Brian with them two arseholes ..........................'."