What's your best (new) short joke?

Ellen McArthur was on the brink of retiring from her round the world record attempt after she was overtaken by a sri-lankan woman on a deck chair>

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm
and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager," he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."
A few minutes later a 'phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile 'phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided
he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna
and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper
hanging from his ass.

The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman glanced around behind and said ....
" B-Jesus, will you look at that, I'm getting a fax!!!"

Subject: No speeka da same language


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in
an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men
say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country ... we don't speak aloud in public places about our
sex lives . . . "

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man ... "Who talkin' bouta sexa? ...
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda,how to spella 'Mississippi!"

I BET YOU READ THIS AGAIN !!

How can you get four suits for a dollar?
Buy a deck of cards.

How do dinosaurs pay their bills?
With Tyrannosaurus checks.

What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots?
Tyrannosaurus Tex.

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?
They had reservations.

How do you make a hot dog stand?
Steal its chair.

How do you make an egg laugh?
Tell it a yolk.

How do you prevent a Summer cold?
Catch it in the Winter!

How does a pig go to hospital?
In a hambulance.

If a long dress is evening wear, what is a suit of armor?
Silverware.

What bird can lift the most?
A crane.

What bone will a dog never eat?
A trombone.

What can you hold without ever touching it?
A conversation.

What clothes does a house wear?
Address.

What country makes you shiver?
Chile.

What did one elevator say to the other?
I think I'm coming down with something!

What did one magnet say to the other?
I find you very attractive.

What did Tennessee?
The same thing Arkansas.
What did Delaware?
Her New Jersey.

What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
It's time to go to sweep.

What did the necktie say to the hat?
You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while.

What did the rug say to the floor?
Don't move, I've got you covered.

What do bees do with their honey?
They cell it.

What do you call a calf after it's six months old?
Seven months old.

What do you call a guy who's born in Columbus, grows up in Cleveland, and then dies in Cincinnati?
Dead.

Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose?
His powder puff is on the wrong end.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She ran away from the ball.

Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
She couldn't control her pupils.
What do you call a pig that does karate?
A pork chop.

What do you call a song sung in an automobile?
A cartoon.

What do you call the best butter on the farm?
A goat.

What do you do when your chair breaks?
Call a chairman.

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer!

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia!

What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit?
Bugs Bunny.

What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook?
Wet feet.

What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover?
A rash of good luck.

What happens when frogs park illegally?
They get toad.

What has 6 eyes but can't see?
3 blind mice.

What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors?
A piano.

What has one horn and gives milk?
A milk truck.

What is a tree's favorite drink?
Root beer.

What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed?
Sleep somewhere else.

What kind of cats like to go bowling?
Alley cats.

What kind of eggs does a wicked chicken lay?
Deviled eggs.

What kind of ties can't you wear?
Railroad ties.

What lies on its back, one hundred feet in the air?
A dead centipede.

What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a red car?
A red carnation.
What do you call a country where everyone has to drive a pink car?
A pink car-nation.
What would the country be called if everyone in it lived in their cars?
An in-car-nation.

What's gray, eats fish, and lives in Washington, D.C.?
The Presidential Seal.

What's green and loud?
A froghorn.

What's round and bad-tempered?
A vicious circle.

Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon?
He took them to a pignic.

Where do fortune tellers dance?
At the crystal ball.

Why did the doughnut shop close?
The owner got tired of the (w)hole business!

I'm bored.....

Want cheesy? Here's some more...

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to
> arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
> You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the
> night before and shoot the fox.
> The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I
> said "Did you get my drift?".
> So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint,
> this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".
> I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a
> fast one".
> So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
> "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
> So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He
> said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
> I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack
> myself into a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
> My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic
> converter.
> I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller",
> he said "Not you again".
> So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there
> was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
> He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
> condiment".
> And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's
> bisatchel.
> So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I
> thought "That's a turtle disaster".
> Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want
> your type in here"
> A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't
> start anything"
> A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in
> here"
> A seal walks into a club...
> A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint
> please, and one for the road."

"How to keep a healthy level of insanity "

I got this a few years ago from a German who probably got it from an American

1. At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want that super sized.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "in"
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your cheques, write for sexual favours.
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Don’t use punctuation.
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what gender they are.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard Kim.
17. When the money comes out the atm, scream, "I won!” I won!" "3rd time this week!!!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Run for your lives, they're loose!!"
19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

A letter received by the B+Q customer services department after the yacht they sponsored managed to make the round the world trip
Dear Sir/Madam, My congratulations to you on getting a yacht to leave the UK on 28th
November 2004, sail 27,354 miles around the world and arrive back 72 days later.

Could you please let me know when the kitchen I ordered 96 days ago will be arriving from your warehouse 13 miles away.


Fritz Von Nothing new there then

Is Prince Charles a virgin ?

Prime Minsters Questions which I'll hopefully be watching live in about 15 minutes time, innit.

Fritz Von Oh the stress of it all

A young blonde is on vacation and driving through the Everglades. She wants to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but is very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors are asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouts, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper says with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!"

The blonde heads out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp. Lying nearby are 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their backs.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles and flips the gator onto its back. Rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in frustration, she shouts ..



"DAMN ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

A Redhead Problem

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken

A gas station in Alabama was trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying, "Free Sex with Fill-Up".
Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The redneck then guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time."

A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for a fill-up. Once again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor gave him the same story. The redneck guessed 2 this time. Again the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close,but no free sex this time."

As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, Bubba, "I think that game is rigged. He doesn't really give away free sex."
Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy. My wife won twice last week."

At a risk of offending various minority groups - eg Americans, pilots, airline passengers and the visually challenged:



The following is from an American Airlines employee:

The entrance opens, two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the
aisle.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other
is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads
through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and
the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign
that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people
sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at
the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water,
panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts
smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly,
and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the
plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're
all gonna die."

quote:

Originally posted by Earwicker:
A Redhead Problem

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body
hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.

She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead are you?"

"No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken

I had a real good larf over that one !

Glad you liked it, mate!

I hear that in the event of Michael Jackson being found guilty, he is to be melted down into miniature Michael Jackson dolls so that the kids get a chance to play with him .....

You can do better than that Sir.

I know, but it will make the offices of the masses busy tomorrow - it's Friday tomorrow !

Boom Boom

A guy goes into a sex shop and asks for a latex doll.

"Do you want Western Pacifist or Asian Terrorist ?" asks the shop assistant.

"What's the difference ?" is the reply.

"The Asian Terrorist blows itself up !"

Boom Boom !

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose..... ?



Full !!

Buying shares in Lea & Perrins W-Sauce

A farmer in New Zealand buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So,
he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has
sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. "Try
again," he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out
to the woods. He spends all day banging the sheep and upon returning home,
falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in
the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them
is beeping the horn."

quote:

Buying shares in Lea & Perrins W-Sauce

It wasn't the Lea and Perrins stuff that got loaded with the carcinogenic dye.

quote:

Originally posted by Steve Toy:

quote:

Buying shares in Lea & Perrins W-Sauce

It wasn't the Lea and Perrins stuff that got loaded with the carcinogenic dye.

That's my point mate, it's on the up & up where it should be, innit.